The (Illustrated) Centre Of The World
By Jessica Bano
Published by Books For Babies With Attitude
398 pp.

Once upon a time, there existed a secret cave in the hills of Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab. This cave was surrounded by the fabled Forest of Whitaker. It was hidden deep in the hills. Nobody knew it existed. Except the people who knew it existed.

Every morning, hundreds of secret agents would crawl, walk, run, climb and fly to the cave to sit at their desks and do their daily work. Every evening, they would turn off their computers and crawl, walk, run, climb and fly from the cave to their homes. But nobody in the forest ever saw them go in or out because the cave was the biggest secret in Aitchisonia. Everyone in Aitchisonia knew how to keep a secret a secret.

One morning, when everyone was at work and the cave people were busy working at their desks, a loud noise was heard in the forest.

“What was that?” asked a startled J.D. Vancelot.

“It could have been anything,” replied T.S. Ellyet. “From the Big Bang to the combustive genuflections of our thermonuclear reprocessing plant,” he added.

“I don’t know what any of those big words mean,” J.D. said.

“Why don’t you?”

“Because I am in a story written for children between the ages of three and five. Children of that age do not know what a genuflecting thermonuclear reprocessing plant means,” answered J.D.

“I am in that same story and yet I know what I am talking about. It seems to me that story characters like you are lazy and have become used to being fed words for free. You don’t make any effort to better your vocabulary or consult a thesaurus,” said an irritated T.S.

“What is a vocabulary, and didn’t the thesaurus go extinct 60 million years ago?” said J.D.

“I wish you had gone extinct 60 million years ago,” mumbled T.S.

J.D. Vancelot sat back in his chair and looked out the window. The forest looked green and fresh, as if it had just been cleaned and washed.

“Doesn’t the forest look green and fresh today as if it had just been cleaned and washed?” said J.D to T.S.

“Yes, it does. It’s for the guests. They are coming from far and wide,” answered T.S.

“Finally! We are going to have guests. That is good news,” said a smiling J.D. “Who are they? When will they be here? Where will they stay?”

“You should know better than to ask that. What happens in the forest, stays in the forest. That’s the first rule of the forest,” said T.S. “It’s all very hush-hush. It’s a big secret. The biggest secret in the history of secrets. No one knows and no one can tell.”

J.D. looked confused. He had heard rumours. The social media was abuzz with all kinds of rumours. The experts on Ex had predicted the arrival of foreign guests some time ago. But J.D. had never taken these experts seriously. Most lived outside the forest and only visited the forest for weddings and funerals. And hardly any of them even knew the cave existed. Or what went on inside the cave.

So, when T.S. confirmed the rumours about the guests, J.D. was taken aback.

“I am taken aback by your confirmation of the rumours,” said J.D.

“Yes, you would be. But I had known all along that the forest would one day entertain guests from around the world, who will arrive on a secret mission organised by the cave and all of us who work in it,” said T.S.

“But I work in the cave, and I do not know who is coming and when they are coming and why they are coming and how they are coming and who they are here to meet,” said J.D.

“Very well then. Pay attention. This is a very important lesson for any child who cannot wait to grow up and become an adult. All great events in the world are a result of secret meetings. And how do great events come to be, you wonder? Well, when all the important and powerful officials in the world want to talk to each other about critical issues, they go on social media. There they abandon all decorum and dignity and share their ideas while exchanging insults.

“Once they are done yelling and screaming and using foul language against each other and each other’s cultures, religions and nations, they are invited as guests for a face-to-face chit chat to a special place like the forest,” explained T.S.

“What a lovely lesson for our three- to five-year-old readership!”

“Indeed, it is. Lessons for our younglings to follow. Why else do you think this story was written?” asked T.S.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 19th, 2026