Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, January 25: Ginormous egos, wrapped in pomp and circumstance and draped in elaborate firework displays, resonated throughout the Republic’s gated communities, as Cliftonians welcomed the new year with great joy and delight.
Despite the situation the world finds itself in today, Cliftonian thought leaders expressed a renewed sense of joie de vivre which they felt had been missing in years gone by and which, they feel, has finally returned with the advent of 2026.
“Finally! Finally, we are all on the same page, no matter where we come from and no matter who did our hair transplants,” said Mian Anwar Awanfeld, senior statesman, even more senior resident of Mayfair and a die-hard imbiber of sattu.
“It’s a beauty when the richs and the powerfuls are speaking the same language. Same to same methods are being used by police against noisy troublemakers on the streets of London, Berlin, Chicago, Delhi, Paris and Tehran. Every country is now openly having its na maloom afraad going house to house without warrants and with covered faces, picking people up in front of their families. Law is finally being applied against lawbreakers by the chosen ones,” he added.
As 2026 dawns, Cliftonia’s powerful celebrate a global shift in which the masks are off…
“Yesterday on my way to the food section at Harrods, I wanted to check if they have fresh nalli nihari. I saw many, many policemans on the streets arresting old and weak and poors and also many womans, who were being thrown in the back of police vans,” said Mian Awanfeld. “They were sitting quietly and holding posters, but police said they were terrorists.
“And if fair and lovely policeman — who is speaking fluent English, mashallah — is saying they are terrorists, who am I to question him? Just like I never question my own police when I give them orders to catch terrorists and, by chance, they catch all the peoples I hate,” he said with a smile.
For the country’s premier politician and messiah, National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr., the global cabal’s ‘No more Mr Nice Guy!’ routine could not have come at a better time.
“I have never been more hopeful for the world than I am today,” he exulted. “Not from a personal point of view, mind you, but from a socio-political point of view. Everything for me is socio-political and/or socio-economic these days because, as you may have heard, I am finally reading books. Even though I already knew everything, now I know even more than everything. And that’s a lot of everything that I don’t think any human man has ever known!” he added.
“What I have been saying and was stopped from doing, my closest friend Donald T. is doing in his country… catching all the railoo kattas and throwing them in prisons, chucking them out of the country, destroying their evil lives and lifestyles… it does not sound ‘PC’ but, believe me, the poors and the helpless frequently try to blackmail populist leaders.
“It happened to me, so I know first-hand the trickery of the marginalised. Like me, Donald is the quintessential Cliftonian anti-establishment revolutionary — he is strong, rich and supremely deluded… and, like me, it is from these delusions that he draws his enviable strength,” said Chairman Nazir Jr.
He said he was pleased to see ruling elites across the world ripping off their masks and speaking the same language when it came to getting what they wanted. “It gives me hope that, when I am at the helm and wielding real power, no one in the world will be able to stop me, for in me they will see themselves, just as I see myself in them today,” he stated.
The world has become Cliftonian in more ways than one, and the poors and the unshaven are finally beginning to accept their place in the food chain, believes Gen GHQ, the Republic’s great uniformed one.
“At last, all my fellow Cliftonian brethren running their own fiefdoms around the world have started to speak the language we’ve been speaking for years. And it does not matter who you are and what your location pin is, you will now get the same treatment everywhere, ICE-style,” he said while addressing the media in his first official press conference of the year.
“For Cliftonian rulers — as if there are any other kind! — all across our beloved planet, 2026 will turn out to be a gloriously revealing year, full of big little lies, naked aggression, total disrespect for all non-Cliftonians as well as the glorious celebration of unaccountability and deceit,” he concluded.
“This is already turning out to be a great year for mainstream media and its liberal journalists,” said Cliftonia Ali, Editor-in-Chief, Chief Executive Officer, Chief Mainstream Officer and Chief Liberalist of Zamzama Times, her family-owned news outlet. “As a liberal journo myself, I have never been more excited to implement Orwellian-speak than I am today,” she said.
Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram @faridalvie
Published in Dawn, EOS, January 25th, 2026