"The citizenry must have the right to bear arms,” he said. “For that is the only way to keep the government at bay. And, as we well know, the government wants itself to be unbayed at all times.”

“Yes, indeed. Every man, woman and child should be armed not just to the teeth but all the way up to the nose, the eyebrows and, I dare say, even the forehead!” she said in response. “The government is a foreign evil that likes to wrest control of the freedoms our forefathers so valiantly oppressed others for.”

“Oppression, according to DeWitt’s Notes on the Politics of the Posterior, is but the other side of a two-headed coin that is frequently ignored for its positive contribution to society,” he went on. “Never forget that it was Genghis Khan — also known by his grandmother as ‘Greenpeace Genghis’ — who killed mercilessly in order to promote compassion and kindness amongst the peoples of the world. You see, man is a violent animal and when that animal is forced to adhere to unnatural notions, such as equity and fair play, he rebels. He rebels vehemently because, deep within his bowels, he knows that others far better than him want what he wants, desire what he desires and seek what he seeks!”

“As someone who is not a man, that’s exactly how I see it too, when I see you climbing the corporate ladder to success, making three times more money than me, even though you are widely regarded as one of the — if not the — biggest imbecile to ever work for First Capital Cliftonia,” she said. 

A spirited defence of Cliftonia’s ‘Right to Bear/Bare Arms’ takes an unexpected turn with a suggestion to use it in the corporate sphere

“And yet, have you ever seen me brag about it? One has to work hard to become one of the — if not the — biggest at anything,” he responded. “And don’t mind my saying so but that’s what most of the women workers in the world do not seem to appreciate. Like bees, human males also work hard for their money… so hard for it, honey,” he said to her as he held her hand. “Just look around the world… nothing is ever handed down to anyone in any culture, except in those cultures where it is handed down.”

“So very true,” she replied. “That’s what Margaret Thatcher once told me when we went to drop her son Mark off at the South African embassy. Mark had heard the same from Donald Trump, who had heard it from George W. Bush who, in turn, had heard it from RFK Jr. No better specimens of hard work, intelligence and meritocracy can be found anywhere in the world.”

“Cliftonians produce the finest specimens,” he said to her with pride. “Brawny, brainy with bucketfuls of integrity oozing out of their every pore. We are incredible oozers!”

“To ooze is the quintessential Cliftonian trait, isn’t it?” she said with a smile.

“Indeed, it is,” he replied.

“If only we human women could follow suit,” she said. “One can only hope that we can follow in the footsteps of our heroes. But I feel there is time yet. When more women realise and appreciate the importance of the second amendment, only then will we truly progress. Sadly, we often confuse the two bears.” 

“Polar and panda?” he asked, looking a little lost.

“No, darling, the right to bear arms with the right to bare arms,” she explained. “The moment we get our ‘bearings’ right, watch out men!”

“However do you mean?” he asked.

“Just imagine me exercising my second amendment right and carrying a firearm into every meeting at work. Imagine a human male CEO of a financial institution trying to explain to a highly qualified but heavily armed human woman, who works twice as hard as her human male colleagues, why her human male colleagues make twice as much as her. Imagine the instant change in power dynamics!” she said excitedly.

“Hang on a minute. That sounds rather dangerous,” he said hesitatingly.

“He can be equally heavily armed, if he wants to… as if he isn’t already,” she muttered under her breath. “I think it’s a splendid idea. I wonder why no human woman ever thought of it. Cliftonia’s constitution gives her that right. Will certainly make a lot of human males think twice about how they negotiate… about the words they use, about the actions they choose, about the threat of physical danger looming over their heads in every business meeting, every social gathering, every walk that takes them home.”

“Wait! You can’t do that. There are restrictions on carrying firearms. I mean, everyone shouldn’t be allowed to…” he stammered.

“And imagine if, along with all the human women, all the human religious and ethnic minorities of every society, all the human LGBTQ folk, all the human marginalised, all the human impoverished and deprived, decided to take their second amendment rights seriously and carry a gun on their person at all times! Oh, what a brave new world it will be, Aldous!” she said.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 2nd, 2025