If I had to denominate anyone for the Noble Peace Prize, I would have denominated myself. I mean, just look how I’ve put up with Cobra and Psycho, Janoo’s sisters, not to mention The Old Bag, his mother, throughout the looooong years of my marriage to Janoo.

Majaal hai, that I’ve ever said one word to them in anger. EVER. No matter how sarrhial they’ve been to me, I’ve only been ghee and shakkar with them. And, for that matter, with my friends, Mulloo and Sunny and Baby, also.

Everyone has tried to kaato my patta, but not for one second have I ever respond karoed in anger or done one word of gheebat behind their backs or done kala jadoo on them or, for that matter, threatened to bomb them. Actually, come to think of it, I shouldn’t just be getting peace prize, I should be made a saint. Aur kya?

Apparently, Pope can choose people for sainthood. This new American Pope, he’s already chosen someone. But, come to think of it, maybe you have to be Christian to be a saint. And white also. Brown and black people, even if they are Christians, they don’t qualify for sainthood. Only white people are saints. Janoo tells me that even Mother Teresa, even though she wore saris and chappals, was actually white. Because from her backside, she was European, naa.

Vaisay, not to blow my own strumpet or anything, but with my fear skin and blonde highlights and green contacts, I’ve been mistaken for Spanish in London. Jee haan. Once, I think so, it was just after Brexit, and I was coming out of Selfridges, wearing a maxi, with three, three of their big yellow bags in each hand, and a gori in a nylon track suit and unwashed hair passed me on the street and she muttered, “Now that we’ve had Brexit, you lot can piss off back to Spain.”

Haw, you didn’t know? It’s because I don’t tell this story that much because people, particularly my petty, mean, grudgy friends, like Mulloo and Baby and Sunny, they get jealous, naa. Because no one would ever in a million years mistake them for foreigners. Also, it’s not in my nature to be boasty. Another reason I should get peace prize.

Vaisay, honestly if we had to denominate anyone for Noble Peace Prize, why did we have to denominate Trump? Aik tau, he’s besties with that dajjal Netanyahoo and has given him khuli chhuti to go right ahead and starve and shoot and bomb the people of Gaza, who have already suffered so much. Trump has told the world that they have the right because Israel, no matter what it does, is always right. Also, because I think so, the Gazans, they are brown, being Arabs and the Israelis, they are white, basically being Americans and Europeans from their backsides, naa.

Janoo tells me (he’s always telling me and telling me), there are some brown Arab Jews in Israel also, but they’re not in any ginti. And doosra, he’s gone and bombed Iran also (Trump, not Janoo, okay?), which is our brother nation and humsaya on top. Dekho zara! So shameful.

Mulloo says kay one good thing about our denomination of Trump is that Modi has sarrhoed to a cinder. Particularly after Trump didn’t wait for Modi to arrive at G7 meeting and after all the money the Indians spent going here, there and everywhere to say, kay Pakistan ko boy cott karo, and then Trump turns around and says so many nice things about us. Hardly suprising kay, Modi’s got so jay, so jay, that his sleep has become haraam.

But, as I said to Mulloo, bhai Trump ka kya hai? One minute he’s with you, next minute he’s against you. Haven’t you seen with Nylon Must? Besties one second and dushmans the next. Oopar se, he’s bombing Iran one minute and then doing sullah the next. And first giving green light to dajjal to bomb Iran and then bus, you can’t bomb them anymore, which I think so must have come as big relieve to dajjal because one, he’s running out of bombs and two, because he’s running out of friends.

Except for Trump, who continues to be his besty for now but, as I said, Trump pe kaun depend kar sakta hai?

I mean, his screen saver is a photo of himself. And frankly, someone who’s had three wives, they’re cereal mind changers, no? I think so, he also wants to be given the Noble prize for being the great pace maker. But, socha jaye tau, Obama also won the Noble prize and he bombed and bombed and bombed us. So, better nahin hai kay I should be given it?

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 29th, 2025