The La La Land Internal Jihad Movement of Pakistan (also called LLIMP) is a hybrid vegetable/fruit that is becoming popular among middle-class health food fanatics. The medical benefits of LLIMP have been known since ancient times. The Neanderthals are known to have used it to treat everything from general boredom to ideological indigestion.

In his book, ‘LLIMP: the Natural Secret for a Vigorous Jaw & a Full Fat Moustache,’ Hakeem Shahid Masood states that LLIMP has been used as a medicine in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Babylon, Gujranwala and Planet Zion for at least 14 million years. His proof? Harun Yea Yea. And Harun Yea Yea’s proof? Star Wars III: Return of the Jedia.

Today, scientific research in Pakistan is providing hard evidence for the health benefits long associated with LLIMP. For example, in 2007 the Journal of the National Institute of Manic-Depression published the results of an epidemiological study indicating that LLIMP reduced the risk of sensibility in men and women by nearly 80 per cent.

Also, researchers at the University of Chakwal in Switzerland recently concluded that LLIMP inhibits and impedes the growth of brain cells, thus greatly reducing the chances of rational thought that might lead to deadly diseases such as Common Sense. They warn that this grave disease may make you start looking and sounding like a navel-gazing intellectual, when, instead, one should always look like mardana taqat ka shahkaar, Atlas-e-Hind, Gen. (Rtd.) Hamid Bull. Yea, baby.

LLIMP is also reputed to be helpful in regulating the levels of good cholesterol (HDL-[N]) – also called Atlas-e-Punjab, Pa Nawaz, Pa Nawaz - and bad cholesterol (LDL-[Q]).

New evidence is emerging that LLIMP can also help dieters. The Punjab Journal of Nutrition & Schizophrenia published the results of a study at Lahore’s prestigious National University of Managerial & Botanical Sciences (NUMBS), in which researchers suggest that men who were given a combined extract of caffeinated rhetoric mixed with LLIMP burned more brain cells and calories than those who were given a mild diet amphetamine called Democraffeine.

The study said that Democraffeine led to an unhealthy medical condition called Khapay-ache, a hyper compulsive-obsessive disorder in which the patient keeps saying ‘Khapay, khapay, khapay’ over and over again, and whose remedy is only available in select hospitals of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Dubai; whereas the consumption of LLIMP led to a more healthier and energetic condition called Jamaat-e-Slimy.

Jamaat-e-Slimy is a robust state of mind and body that can be enjoyed during ‘Go America Go’ hairy-male-only marathons from the Tableegh Republic of Raiwind to the city of Lal-Masjidabad that replaced Islamabad as Pakistan's capital when Islamabad was destroyed in an earthquake due to the wrath of God brought upon by sin and debauchery in Kashmir, Karachi and Toba Tek Singh.

What's more, a small bacterial compound in LLIMP, Imran-Khanium, can help slow down ageing and lead to an accelerated growth of facial hair (under the skin), and better prostrate performance. This compound can also kill the harmful bacteria that cause lethargic medical illnesses like Patience and Logic.

Approximately two-thirds of the fat in LLIMP is saturated. These fats play a number of key roles in our bodies, providing protective padding for explosive meaty body parts such as holy-mountain-men-rumps and assorted heaven-bound limbs.

LLIMP also contains a naturally-produced laxative called Shireen-MazarymeShireen-Mazaryme guarantees long, fast-flowing tirades and regular on-screen flatulence, breaking the wind out of an airy-fairy neurotic state called Liberalism.

LLIMP also cures constitutional constipation usually brought upon by assorted Zardari-vascular ailments, especially in the seventeenth amended artery.

Chemicals like Zaid-phosphate in LLIMP break down useless tissue such as NFP thus making hearty reactionary glands more digestible. Furthermore,  Zaid-phosphate along with enzymes like Geo-zymes help protect these glands from unwanted bacterial infections such as Objectivity and Sanity.

These are but only a few medicinal benefits of LLIMP. For a more expert and detailed list of these benefits, I recommend the famous book, Better Bowel Movement through LLIMP by the renowned Greek homeopath, Sansar Abbasi (MBBS/LLB/DDT).

nadeem_80x80
Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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