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Smokers’ Corner: Let’s talk


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Due to the much justified pressure from a majority of honourable Pakistanis (especially motorbike owners), equally honourable journalists and leaders like Shahbaz Shaheen Sharif, Jim Khan, Mansura Hussain and someone called Billu, the Pakistan government has finally decided to talk to members of extremist and militant outfits operating in North Waziristan.

In fact it is being said that a peace agreement has already been signed between the government and the extremists. The agreement emerged after several rounds of negotiations between the two sides and many glasses of an orange juice brand that wasn’t packaged by a company owned by heretics.

The major points of the agreement are as follows:

• Strict Sharia-compliant LBW rules would be imposed in the Waziristan Premier Cricket League (WPL), and the cheerleaders will all be goats. • The Pakistani Army will gradually withdraw from the region so it can go back to doing what it does best: Play golf.

• The government and the extremists would exchange prisoners and gifts. The government will gift Sangsar Abbasi to the extremists who seemed to like that certain adolescent tinge of romantic sadness in his voice, especially when he is commonly whining, while the extremists will gift the government the severed head of someone called Billu.

• The extremists would halt attacks on barber shops, music shops and girls’ schools and instead attack saunas, discos and women’s driving schools. Though there are no saunas and discos in Pakistan, the government will build a few just so the extremists can blow them up.

• The extremists cannot display weapons in public, especially suicide bombers. The bombers will now have to explode in specially padded caves. • The extremists cannot operate training camps either, other than only for holding ballet classes.

• The extremists would denounce suicide attacks. However they can hail heart attacks in the name of faith.

• A ban would be placed on raising private militias; but holding public floggings is allowed. Government has agreed to telecast the floggings live on TV and provide the same commentators that TV channels used during the recently concluded Asian Kabadi Championship in Lahore.

• The extremists will cooperate with the government to vaccinate children against polio — especially that variant of mountain polio that causes hallucinatory migraines. In other words, instead of bullets, the government will now fight terrorism with aspirin.

• Only licensed FM radio stations would be allowed to operate in the region. However, the extremists will get to pick their own RJ’s.

• The extremists would allow the goats of Waziristan to perform their duties at the work place without any fear. However, the women of the region will have to wait for this opportunity. They are way down in the extremists’ priority list: 37 bellow men, suicidal boys, men, goats, more men, and Yeti the abdominal snowman.

• Government will stop US drones from entering Pakistani airspace. For this it plans to send brand new traffic signals and about 200 traffic constables to North Waziristan.

A similar agreement was signed with the extremists in 2008. But the militants promptly disobeyed the terms of the deal, and began to overrun police stations and enforce strict Sharia-compliant LBW laws through coercion. The extremists had blamed the government's plan to paint the Red Mosque in magenta colour. They hate magenta.

Historically, Afghani extremist outfits are behind the ideological inspiration of the Pakistani extremists who are behind the ideological inspiration of the Chinese extremists who are behind the ideological inspiration of the Luxemburg extremists who are behind the ideological inspiration of the Martian extremists, so on and so forth.

It is fair to remind one that the Pakistani extremist groups had sent over 10,000 fighters into Afghanistan to fight Darth Vader and his evil forces in 2001: A Space Odyssey, which was quite a trip, man. Like, far out.

The government is also close to signing a deal with Luke bin Skywalker, the leader of the Pakistani extremists. Luke bin was allegedly behind the brutal suicide attack that knocked off Mian Nawaz Sharif’s brand new toupee.

However, Sharif blamed Interior Minister, Rehman Wonka, after which enraged PML(N) workers staged a rowdy sit-in outside Mr. Wonka’s chocolate factory. To neutralise the protest, Wonka had turned off mobile phone services around his factory premises.

Cricketer-turned-politician-turned-turnip, Jim Khan, who had taught some of the extremists the art of bowling reverse swing, is not happy with the peace accord.

Disagreeing with the accord, Jim Khan hurled accusations at the present government and said he was right to boycott the 2008 elections because the results have brought nothing but blood, bombs and ball tampering. And Rehman Wonka.

He then set out with his party workers (on Facebook) to march against the government (on Twitter) to instate the jirga system within the Diplomatic Enclave in Islamabad.

Hearing this, President Zardari, while having orange juice with his Chinese counterpart said: “I say, Wong Tong, it will be a ghastly understatement to suggest that this fellow is rather confused,” to which his Chinese counterpart said something that nobody understood but Firdous Ashiq Awan insisted it meant “yea, baby, yea!”

Interestingly, the terms of the peace deal do not call for the extremists to halt cross border attacks inside Afghanistan, not that there is much left in Afghanistan to attack, except maybe some shaky magenta coloured ruins. They hate magenta.

Author Image

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and He is also the author of two books on the social history of Pakistan, End of the Past and The Pakistan Anti-Hero.

He tweets @NadeemfParacha

The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

Comments (92) Closed

ROHIT PANDEY Nov 25, 2012 10:06pm
Pakistanis/Muslims must re examine their core beliefs and try to reinterpret in a creative way before they can even start to aspire for liberalism in their value systems and ultimately the political ethos.
Sialkotia Nov 26, 2012 01:38am
army is to protect us against India, The Kafir Country. Muslim killing Muslim is ok ?
muhammad Nov 26, 2012 12:34pm
abc could you please enlighten us how this will happen
Shanawer hussain Nov 26, 2012 06:33am
Good comments
Seeker Nov 26, 2012 06:35am
Can any one tell me about all vices which Islam prevents,and can you tell me about model Islamic country in this world.
Agha Ata Nov 25, 2012 02:54pm
So, let's sin! :)
muhammad Nov 26, 2012 12:37pm
abc, good joke you are really very funny
Mr.T Nov 25, 2012 10:04am
You write all sects and religion except a MUSLIM ?
Raj Nov 26, 2012 08:08pm
Vishal Nov 25, 2012 08:16am
Let liberals rule in Pakistan. :)
Ram Krishan Sharma Nov 26, 2012 08:14pm
None except Pakistan
ROHIT PANDEY Nov 26, 2012 07:10pm
A video done by Dawn available on the Youtube and with Air Chief Marshal Asghar Khan in it . It is titled " Indian- An imagined enemy"...just helping and Dawn to look up resources which might help cobwebs????
Suleman Nov 25, 2012 05:11am
Haha, finally some laughs!
Ash Khan Nov 25, 2012 05:11am
Good job NFP.
Mr.T Nov 25, 2012 06:39am
Is there anything positive you see ? not even 1% ? if you have such a keen eye on the all bad things why didn't you write something positive of hopeful for the people. Play some positive role as a journalist. As they say no news is a good news but for media good news is not a news...
Indian Nov 25, 2012 06:43am
You use satire when you feel things are not under your control or you have no hope left.I feel hope is there for Pakistan if it becomes a secular country like the west where there is no role of religion in politics and you don't make use of religion to do politics.
The one would like to care Nov 25, 2012 05:32am
My Sunday morning is made. A point made through humor is the point made in the best possible manner.
Cynical Nov 25, 2012 09:23am
What about the atheists?
Seeker Nov 25, 2012 09:24am
Statue of Liberty in America show to the world that America follows Liberalism. Liberal is a person who does not interfere in the business of other.Liberal rulers advocate a liberal country. Liberal country :- The state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one's way of life.
Kausik Nov 26, 2012 10:15pm
NFP is master of satire his writings are hilariously truthful mirroring the duality of our society and mixed bag of values with tilt towards male chauvinism.He should write a novel espousing his analysis of present day politics as practiced in subcontinent with utter disregard to poverty and education.I admire dawn in publishing his bold blogs and my best wishes to him to keep writings his ideas.
shakrullah Nov 25, 2012 04:37pm
Seeker : Pakitan will be saved only if we transform it into a secular state in which religion is an important but a private affair of the individual . There is no other way . Ironically , even Islam can flourish only in a secular order . Consider : Is Islam really flourishing in Pakistan ? or in Iran ? or in Saudi Arabiia ? Is Islam actually practised in these so-called Islamic countries worth presenting to the world as the ideal way of life ? We should make 11th August speech of Jinnah as the basis for our constituion .
wajih Nov 26, 2012 10:10pm
Rehman Wonka....... hahahahhahahaa.......... Really funny article....... This is really called, To Read Between the Lines
Muhammad Ahmed Nov 25, 2012 10:09am
Good one! Hats off to you NFP.
Critical_Thinker Nov 25, 2012 04:05am
In fact, as part of the deal Talibans will be supported to extend their operations on both sides of the border now; west & east. In return, only the Shia and Sufi and Martian shrines will be attacked by Talibans.
emix Nov 25, 2012 10:56am
black humor.....amazingly written article. thumbs up!
shanawer hussain Nov 25, 2012 03:58am
Paracha sb. don`t be afraid, let the people GEO and JEENE DO.
Iqbal khan Nov 26, 2012 02:29am
May God give you wisdom.
Observer Nov 25, 2012 08:31am
God loves all,lets love all. God loves sinners too. :)
Sukhbir Nov 25, 2012 02:44pm
Ihad, once earlier, written that I can read the sorrow hidden in this satire by Nadeem. Dear Nadeem Bhai, may almighty God grant you readership of every Pakistani and grant every Pakistani the ability and intelligence to understand your words. I have heard that there is a large silent majority that knows what is required to eradicate the evil of Talibanization and I beseach Almighty Lord to convert this Silent Minority to a Vocal Majority within the foreseeable future. Thanks again, Dear Nadeem for a insightful post.
AHA Nov 26, 2012 03:02am
Thanks for getting it.
Derek Nov 26, 2012 02:45am
And you see the results of that terrible decision effected 65 yrs ago. How many more years do you want to suffer and cause suffering to everybody else around you? If you dont wake up from your religious "NASHA" you are doomed. Even god cant save you.
raw is war Nov 25, 2012 12:35pm
lol. rib tickling stuff. You are a genius, NFP.
ROHIT PANDEY Nov 25, 2012 10:06am
Indian culture has certain attributes to it...secularism and liberalism .Almost 100% of the population is comfortable with it.
Yawar Nov 25, 2012 07:51am
Hilarious. Said it all in the most satirical manner.
Rao Nov 26, 2012 01:22am
May be many Pakistanis lost their confidence on Pak Army to retrieve Kashmir, that too after 4 wars with India. Now Pakistanis along with Pak Army think that only Talibans can do the job.
lion_o Nov 26, 2012 12:02pm
LOL, really enjoyed reading this
Nasrullah Nov 25, 2012 05:05pm
Yes. They are going to do this for us one country at a time; then the moon and finally Mars.
Seeker Nov 25, 2012 05:07pm
Yes religion is a private affair and it has nothing to do with the business of the state.
Seeker Nov 25, 2012 05:10pm
The quote Jinnah quoted was of yore,he didn't invent the quote he just repeated it.
Seeker Nov 25, 2012 05:13pm
I left it for people like you.
Observer Nov 25, 2012 05:19pm
Shame Mr. T You are trying to cover up the bad news,how long can you cover it one day it will come out in open this is the day where the news has broken out to the masses.
ahmed Nov 25, 2012 08:04am
india 25% LOL
Seeker Nov 25, 2012 05:28pm
There is no problem adding atheist to the above list.
Zeeshan Hafeez Nov 25, 2012 08:48am
First of all would you like to define 'Liberals'?
Enlightened Nov 25, 2012 05:56pm
Please ask your army why it has not launched not any decisive operation against TTP so far despite beheading of its soldiers and killing of thousands of innocent people in Pakistan?
Nony Nov 25, 2012 04:57am
Thanks a lot NFP, it seems as if among those all with suicidal jackets, guns, slogans and outdated ideologies you are standing in middle with your paintball gun and hitting them in faces with red color to let everyone know who is the black sheep.
Irfan Kobra Nov 25, 2012 04:59am
LOL. Luke bin Skywalker!! I can't stop laughing!
AHA Nov 25, 2012 01:32pm
These Taliban are our strategic assets. ONE DAY they will win Kashmir for us.
babu Nov 26, 2012 11:55am
recently Intelligence bureau of India has a muslim head
shakrullah Nov 25, 2012 01:33pm
Fantastic! An imaginative piece which captures our truth better than endless slanging matches on tv talkshows between our politicians and learned analysts . But I do have an apprehension . Given our tendency to believe self-serving illusions rather than bitter realities , the satires may not work as wake-up calls , but as some sort of opiate. .
Seeker Nov 25, 2012 06:07pm
In Pakistan politicians are Mullahs or Mullahs become politicians or politicians act like mullahs and they render fatwas.
AHA Nov 25, 2012 10:07pm
Pakistan is run by a few power-hungry fanatics who have fooled us into believing that this is a sacrifice in the name of religion and territorial integrity. All that they care about is their ego. The life and wellbeing of the people of Pakistan, including the soldiers of the regular army, is of no concern to them
Arshed Nov 26, 2012 10:30pm
Just loved it; am deeply amused. Keep it up NFP!
ROHIT PANDEY Nov 25, 2012 09:45pm
Well said...high time Pakistan started producing engineers scientists entrepreneurs in a big way. To launch missions to Mars and the Moon perhaps? Or even launch an Information Technology revolution with a huge pool of techies. India has done both and we don't have any "taliban" problems!
Cynical Nov 25, 2012 09:22am
That's a very comfortable thought.
Usman Nov 26, 2012 07:12am
Could not have agreed more!
AHA Nov 25, 2012 01:30pm
Excellent analogy. Great choice of words.
abbastoronto Nov 26, 2012 04:13pm
The English Imperialists has militarized the NWFP. That riled the locals. One condition that NWFP would join Pakistan was that the military be withdrawn. It was Jinnah's first act. He replaced the Military by Political Agents. Let us demilitarize the area as promised.
Rafique Ali Nov 25, 2012 06:51pm
NFP, as usual you made mt Sunday great.
Abbu Humzah Nov 26, 2012 06:25am
Thanks for the laughs NFP, Which ever party wins this upcoming elections, Thorough Land reforms have to be on the cards, Why was this Pakistan created in the first place when all the land is still in control of feudal lords, chodrees, Waderas etc. What we need if this does not transpire, is a movement like of FARC in Columbia.
Parvez Nov 25, 2012 10:24am
Whatever your drinking and / or smoking, keep at it because we seriously need entertainment and if people can read something into all this that you write, even better.
vastav Nov 25, 2012 09:59am
I have my doubt about Jim Khan delivering the best for Pakistan.
riz Nov 25, 2012 09:28am
well,achieving a pakistan where u say that religion has no role to play in state work is impossible because islam was used as a tool(a very powerful indeed) to carve out pakistan out of hindu-dominate indian-subcontinent. so a country made in the name of a religion- islam can not so easily escape its very basic principle: in islam state and religion are not separate but interconnected.
ROHIT PANDEY Nov 26, 2012 07:10am
Utopia...people have been searching for it exists only in a person's imagination!
Billy pilgrim Nov 25, 2012 03:53pm
So my comment criticizing this piece was removed/deemed not relevant to this discussion? So much for liberal Pakistan eh
Remy Nov 26, 2012 02:21pm
You're right about that -Islam is like no other religion. Certainly nowhere close to Buddhism in its magnanimity and humanity. Or like the ancient Vedic religions in its profundity.
Agha Ata Nov 26, 2012 01:48pm
W have been hearing this story for fourteen hundred years. Model Islamic State is still a dream. Even in the best days, caliphs were murdered by their own people!
Saeed Nov 26, 2012 02:09pm
Absolute drivel, probably written under influence, what an embarrassing attempt at satire.
AHA Nov 26, 2012 02:05pm
In practice, it has been a nightmare instead of a dream.
Gee Nov 27, 2012 05:11am
Wow, since when you started to use word
Enlightened Nov 26, 2012 06:32pm
A nice one from NFP which makes enjoyable reading. Jim Khan would be playing an important role as militancy shall be completely controlled in the country as militants will leave their guns and would be playing cricket matches in his newly formed PPL( Pakistan Premier League).
Jalaluddin S. Hussain Nov 27, 2012 04:37pm
I enjoyed more your "Also Pakistan" series. Anyway, keep it up. I, living in this corner of the world (Quebec), always look forward to your kind of satirical writings!
Seeker Nov 25, 2012 08:04am
Pakistan can only be saved by liberals whether he may belong to any of the below Sunni Shia Sufi Ahmadia Wahabi Deobandi Barelvi Ahl al-Hadith Hindu Christian Buddhist Jew Parsi etc
farhan Nov 25, 2012 10:42am
you must write a book on 'Satirical Political History of Pakistan' Paracha Sahab! :)
Vastav Nov 25, 2012 07:35am
If there are no liberal left in Pakistan then consider it to be end of Pakistan. Liberals in America 70% Liberals in Britain 55% Liberals in India 25% Liberals in Pakistan 5% 5% belong to Hindus,Christians, Buddhists,Parsi and minorities If these 5% leave Pakistan that is the end of Pakistan.
Sialkotia Nov 26, 2012 01:34am
I like this one line satire of yours.
Atif Nov 25, 2012 06:41pm
Doubt is ok. Surety is something I will object on.
AHA Nov 26, 2012 03:34pm
Life evolves. We humans are just a by-product.
afrem Nov 25, 2012 08:47pm
That my friend is your choice. Contemplate on what happened at the Garden of Eden. That is where the downfall of us humans began.
Jeeves Nov 26, 2012 11:41am
NFP..Sirji, bas,,Abdominal me dard ho raha hai haste haste
Pervaze Nov 26, 2012 10:55am
Dear abc people with your kind of views started Pakistan and now have almost reached the xyz stage (that's the end - no more letters in the alphabet remain!!)
Capt C M Khan Nov 25, 2012 06:25am
Funny at the same time today I am SADDENED after viewing a video relesed by Talibaan of placing in a line Pakistani Soldiers and shooting them as target practrice. Gosh how long will the Ghairatmund Pak Army, Ghairutmund Jim Khans and all the Ghairutmund Shareef Pakistanis accept this HUMILIATION?...
ROHIT PANDEY Nov 25, 2012 09:57am
Actually it is something like 81% ..liberalism and secularism are ATTRIBUTES of the dominant faith Hinduism.
george Nov 25, 2012 11:51am
India has muslim vice president,foreign minister,chief justice.What do Pakisatn have? Nothing. Muslim population in India increases every year. Non-muslimpopulation in Pakistan decreases every year.
Nasir vohra Nov 26, 2012 01:58am
Cool as Ice as usual. As Late Cowasjee said once.."All religions actually teach humanity" so I love being human first and set examples rather scared off the world by imposing the strict things first without proving anything just to self amuse or please some sectors. Biggest wish to see Pakistan a good example of tolerant Islamic state where at least key things work. If we get the education/teaching right we wont be blowing things rather take everything in process and evolve.
Indian Nov 25, 2012 05:44pm
It is sad to see Mr. riz / Mr. T that you cannot come out of your Islamic obsession.
AHA Nov 26, 2012 12:27pm
abc - Can you name one model Islamic state over the last 500 years.
muhammad Nov 26, 2012 12:20pm
ROHIT PANDEY Nov 26, 2012 07:19am
Let live...!
mc duffy Nov 25, 2012 07:34pm
we are happy please dont be so concerned about us
abc Nov 25, 2012 07:59pm
I beg to disagree Sir. Islam is like no other religion. Everything worth knowing and following is already mentioned in the holy Koran and Hadith. And with the change of goverment in the next election, I'm sure Pakistan will become a model Islamic state, which in other words, is the perfect welfare state without any vices.
ahmad butt Nov 25, 2012 08:08am
No Vastav, the liberals are in a higher figure, just that they have been less vocal and gradually over the years, what bhutto and zia ul haq did for the country has caught up basically. Dont worry, we are still relying on Jim Khan to do political wonders as done on the cricketing pitch.