The Cliftonian Book of General Knowledge
A Textbook for Children in Grade Three
By Cliftonia Ali, BA, MA, KMC, PECHS, DHA (Honoris Causa)
Pages: 782
Single Curriculum Publishers
Chapter One: History
In the old days, there were no people in Cliftonia. It was empty. Like our minds. Then, suddenly, a big bang happened and many handsome, fair-coloured, warrior peoples started to arrive.
The story of how the world’s manliest warriors came to inherit the Republic of Cliftonia, its mountains and its sugar mills
From the backside, all Cliftonians are made up of Vikings, Mongols, Central Asians, Arabians and Englishers. All arrivals had one thing in common: they were extremely manly. It can be said that they were manly to the moon and back, that’s how manly they were. And since all macho men by nature are warriors, they became famous across all Cliftonian gated communities as the martial races. All the Cliftonian men we see today sitting in cafés and enjoying Sunday brunches in country clubs are descended from these fighter folk.
In 1139, one tribe of such fighter peoples saw a group of Browns in the distance, tilling their fields. Unable to tolerate such behaviour, the martial tribes attacked them and took over their villages. This was done for the benefit of the Browns because all their leading tillers looked corruptful.
When the Brown chief explained the rules of their village, the martial leader — who was tall, fair and lovely with big muscles and a bushy mustache — said these rules made no sense and should be thrown in the dustbin. The Browns were confused as they did not know what a dustbin was. In response, the martials showed them a dustbin and dumped them all in, along with their rules. Peace immediately prevailed.
Chapter Two: Geography
Cliftonia is a land blessed with rivers, mountains, seas, deserts, glaciers and sugar mills. In fact, the word Cliftonia comes from the Latin word clift meaning countless and onia meaning sugar mill. The rivers of Cliftonia flow from north to south and from here to there. They bring fish, lumber, gold, frankincense and myrrh to the arid regions of the Republic.
In 329 BCE, a great flood ravaged the upper echelons of Cliftonia. It was a sudden deluge. There was water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink. Admiral Coleridge, one of Cliftonia’s earliest heroes, came to the Republic’s rescue and diverted nature’s fury towards the Browns of the land, while ensuring the overflow of the rivers stayed as far away from the sugar plantations of the martial races as possible. This act was appreciated by all, Browns and martials alike. Much clapping was heard across the land.
The mountains of Cliftonia are a wonder to behold. That is why it is best not to behold them. But martial adventurers, who make up most, if not all, of Cliftonia’s gorgeously proportioned citizenry, love to mount things, including some of the tallest mountain ranges in the whole wide world. Cliftonia’s mountains are full of snow and ice. Many also have mountain goats and snow leopards, which are used to make shawls and cash.
Cliftonia also has deserts. One of the deserts reaches all the way to the sea. The sea has many fishes of all shapes and sizes. These fishes sometimes swim troutfully up the rivers and travel all the way to the northern areas for their summer holidays.
Chapter Three: Science
Nature is everywhere in Cliftonia. It is available for free and greets Cliftonians with open arms. Inside nature, there is a great deal of science.
Most of the forests of Cliftonia, for instance, are full of botany just like the people of the Republic are full of biology and the animals are completely zoological. The astronomy of Cliftonian skies at night is a wonder to behold, and like our mountains, it is recommended they not be beholden.
Cliftonia has its own gravity, just like some of the most advanced nations of the world. The laws of physics are accorded special gravitas by the scientists of Cliftonia, who seem to know everything under the sun. They also know everything under the moon. In this respect, they are just like the clergy, private equity experts and media folk of the country.
All Cliftonians have a lot of chemistry. It is visible in their electro-magnetic fields as well as in their auras, but only on clear, pollution-free days.
Questions:
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How macho are the men in your family, on a scale of Viking to Mongol?
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How many martial men in your tribe have been part of Cliftonian martial laws?
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What were you doing in 1539? Provide a detailed daily schedule with notarised proof.
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Do you personally know any Browns?
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How many glaciers does your father own? If not, why not?
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Can you reverse engineer a mountain goat out of a shawl?
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Who is the most astronomical person in your extended family? Provide proof, preferably via James Webb, if not Hubble space telescope.
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How much electro-magnetic energy does your family harvest from the Browns in your employ?
Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He’s on Instagram @faridalvie
Published in Dawn, EOS, November 1st, 2026
