Respected Auntie,

I am a 32-year-old male from Swat with a respectable job. I am currently pursuing my higher studies. I am not married and not prepared for it yet. Recently, I went home during vacations and found out that my parents had plans for my engagement. Earlier too, for years, they had asked my opinion on several viable propositions, but I declined, citing my studies and inconsistent future plans. But this time, they were being stubborn.

Despite my defiance, my parents went to the girl’s house. They asked her parents for her hand in marriage for me. After two to three meetings in quick succession, her family accepted the proposal. Within a matter of days — again, without my knowledge — my father asked me on the phone to immediately come over to her house — for dua.

I went there in fear. Everything had already been arranged without any input from me on any of the matters. There is yet to be a formal engagement though.

However, I still don’t feel comfortable when I think of the matter, even after a month. What should I do and how should I manage concerns regarding my family’s reputation and about my own life goals? I have never been this clueless throughout my life and I need your immediate help.

Caught Off-guard

‘I Wasn’t Consulted On My Marriage’

Dear Caught Off-guard,

What happened to you would unsettle anyone. In many of our families, once the elders feel it is ‘the right time’, things start moving quickly and, often, the intention is good. Your elders want to see you settled. They are thinking about your future and, in their own minds, they are securing it. But in all of that, sometimes, your readiness for marriage gets overlooked.

You are right to feel uncomfortable but, at the same time, please remember that your parents are not your enemy. They grew up in a different world and they are just operating from their own understanding of what they think is best for you.

Approach the situation with that understanding in mind — and without getting confrontational. Instead of resisting what is happening, try to slow things down. Sit with your parents calmly and tell them that you respect their decision and trust their judgement, but you need a little more time to feel mentally prepared.

Don’t make it sound like you have rejected the proposition and, instead, make it sound like you are preparing yourself mentally. This will make a huge difference in how your parents will hear you.

Also, since things have already progressed, give yourself some time to actually think about the situation. If the family dynamic allows it, try to start having conversations with the girl directly. Your discomfort with the situation is coming from the speed at which things are moving, but that doesn’t mean this girl or this marriage is not right for you.

You need to make a decision and for that you need clarity. Remember, respecting your family’s wishes and moving ahead with your own life doesn’t have to be impossible. Just handle things with patience and speak up respectfully, and you may find your family more willing to give you breathing room than you expect.

Taking a little time now is better than rushing into something you’re unsure about. Talk to them as a son who needs to be heard. And, definitely, try to talk to the girl if you can.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.

Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 3rd, 2026