Hello Auntie,
I am an interior designer from Lahore in my mid-20s. My issue is that my best friend has developed feelings for me and expressed them.

My friend came into my life while I was in a relationship that was draining my energy emotionally, mentally and physically. He helped me get out of that depression by supporting me consistently and guiding me on how to end the trauma bond. That’s how we got close. But while I appreciate his past support, I can offer him nothing more than gratitude.

I have always despised the idea of having romantic feelings or thoughts for one’s closest friends. I reacted to his expression of feelings by being extremely rude and ghosting him, for which I obviously feel bad now. Once earlier in life, declining a man empathetically had led to a chain of unwanted consequences, which I did not want to repeat. I also expressed disappointment, to which he said it was not in his control.

To be honest, I feel like my trust has been broken, as I have always told him he’s like a brother to me. I’ve just come out of a three-year long tough phase and I’m finally enjoying my carefree era. I was going to go to the US for a month to visit my elder brother, to clear my mind, as part of a fresh start for my career.

“My Best Friend Developed Feelings For Me”

I don’t know how to deal with this mess now, considering I’m indebted to him for his empathy. I’d also feel ill at ease being friends with a person who had something in his heart for me. But he was there during my lowest, and he’s not just anyone but my best friend. I might sound mean, but I can’t carry a new emotional burden now.

Kindly offer me some perspective.
No-new-baggage 

Dear No-new-baggage,
It is a complex situation that you’re facing and it is natural for you to feel conflicted and unsure about how to proceed. It’s also very normal to feel a sense of indebtedness to someone who has been there for you during tough times.

However, it’s important to prioritise your own emotional wellbeing and boundaries in this situation. It is great that your friend supported you through a difficult phase. However, it does not obligate you to reciprocate romantic feelings if you don’t share them.

Every relationship, including this one, should have boundaries. And you need to communicate them to him clearly and respectfully. Ghosting or being rude to him may not have been the best approach, but it is still not too late to address the situation with honesty and empathy.

You can, if you want, have a candid conversation with your friend, where you express gratitude for his support and empathy, but also make it very clear that you don’t share the same romantic feelings. You can tell him that you value your friendship and his support, but also emphasise that this relationship will need boundaries in order to move forward. Depending on where the conversation goes, you may be able to find a way forward in the friendship. Or you may need to end your friendship.

It’s also important to give yourself time and space to process your own emotions and figure out what you need moving forward. Taking a step back to clear your mind during your trip to the US could be beneficial in gaining perspective on the situation. Ultimately, remember that it is important to prioritise your own wellbeing and to set boundaries in your relationships, even with those who have been there for you in the past.

Take care of yourself.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 24th, 2024