Dear Auntie,
I am a 26-year-old boy who has been studying (for competitive examinations) to achieve my goals. Yesterday, one of my students, whom I taught in 2019, proposed to marry me.

She has been doing her BBA, and is probably in her last semester. From 2019 till yesterday, she often called and texted me. Sometimes, but very rarely, we had a long discussion about her studies and career plans. However, yesterday, I was shocked first when she shared her feelings and then got worried when she started begging me to accept.

I also went through this situation in 2020. I had proposed to one of my friends at the university while doing my undergrad. At first, she politely turned me down, but she also gave me a lot of time because of some of my bad habits, such as excessive smoking, truancy, etc. This became the reason she fell in love with me. However, due to her brother’s and father’s resistance and due to her mother’s deteriorating health, I changed my path for her happiness.

Now, I’m once again in a situation which I never wanted to face in my life. I am very worried about my student. At the same time, I’m not ready to waste a single second of my time, and I do not have any feelings for her, which I shared with her yesterday. Kindly guide me on how I can get through this situation. I do not want to hurt this pure and beautiful soul but, at the same time, I do not want to compromise on my mental and physical health and my career.
Regards,
Perplexed Soul.

“How do I gently turn down someone who has feelings for me?”

Dear Perplexed Soul,
Woah! This is quite a situation. And I really appreciate that you reached out to figure out how to approach this with sensitivity. I really hope others read your letter and learn from it because, unfortunately, there are people out there who, given the chance, might want to exploit such a situation.

It is very important for you to communicate with this girl and thank her for her honesty and openness. It takes courage for someone to share such feelings and she needs to know this. At the same time, you need to be honest with her. Tell her that, while you appreciate her feelings, you just do not share the same romantic sentiments.

This may seem cruel to you (especially since I think you are a sensitive soul) but, honestly, heartbreak right now is going to hurt less. If she doesn’t understand that you mean no when you say no, she will continue to harbour hope in her heart and get more emotionally involved. And then, a few months down the road, you will end up with a royal mess on your hands and potentially a bigger heartbreak.

You should also talk to her about your current life priorities and goals, so she understands the context for your decision. At the same time, encourage her to focus on her own studies and career.

However, once you have made your stance clear to her, you should establish clear boundaries. Remember, this is a professional teacher-student relationship and, after the conversation, you need to maintain your distance from this girl. You are her teacher and you should be mentoring her only academically. However, avoid even this unless it is absolutely necessary.

You are a caring person, so I trust you to handle the situation delicately and compassionately. It’s about being truthful while ensuring that both parties feel respected and understood.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 17th, 2024