Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a famous film director sat arguing with an equally famous scriptwriter over his next blockbuster project.

“I do this for a living. Trust me! This makes no sense. This story is too far-fetched. No one will believe this!” said the scriptwriter.

“Hear me out,” said the film director. “So what I’m saying is the hero then wears a gas mask and goes out to the court surrounded by bulletproof shields and scores of his armed supporters… when he enters the courtroom, the judge apologises to him and sends him on his way… but just as he is about to leave the courtroom, a black cat crosses his path. Right then, our hero stops. ‘Who the hell allowed this black cat to enter these hallowed halls of justice, a sanctuary I truly respect from the heart of my bottom?’ he screams. ‘This is a mockery of justice! But more than that, it is a direct extra-judicial attack on my constitutional right to  believe in superstition!’

“So you see, even though our courageous hero is the bravest man on earth, his Kryptonite is a little black cat… and funerals… and condolence meetings held at the home of the deceased… and search warrants… and any kind of legal summons… and regular appearances in the National Assembly of which he is a member and from which he’s been receiving a monthly salary plus perks for years,” he explains.

A popular film director goes head to head with a famous scriptwriter over a fantastical film story idea…

“On what planet does this sort of insanity even happen?” exclaims the scriptwriter. “Remember, you’re making a commercial summer hit and not some crazy, unrealistic, indie venture inspired by magic realism. By the way, what’s that other great hero of yours doing shopping at Harrods? Isn’t he supposed to be sick? So sick that he can’t come back home to respond to all the court cases filed against him?

“And what’s up with both your heroes and their utter disdain for the judicial system, eh? Neither of them respects the court… neither wants to appear in one… they are constantly badmouthing judges who they don’t like… they both want one set of rules for themselves and another for their opponents… and yet both can’t stop pontificating about how much they value justice, the republic’s constitution and the rule of law! Are they idiots or are we idiots to believe this nonsense? 

“And don’t even get me started on these so-called supreme judges in this movie? Does the writer have any clue what or who a judge is? What he or she does? You’ve got one judge jaywalking into government offices across the country berating public officials… another going around collecting funds to build some godforsaken dam… one whose scandalous audio recordings are being leaked on a regular basis… and a fourth who confesses on national TV that his most famous judgement which sent a man to the gallows was actually made on the instructions of a military dictator!”

“Yes but you see, the military general…” the director responds.

“And that lot!” interrupts the scriptwriter. “Especially that great warrior lot! My goodness, where did you find them? Did this story writer of yours think he was writing about the unaccountable Sicilian mafia? I don’t get it… are these professional soldiers or are they real estate magnates?

“All three generals in your film own millions of dollars worth of property both in Cliftonia and around the world? One owns a global chain of pizza parlours! Another admits to making millions selling containerfuls of his own countrymen to the West! And the third — the best friend of your main protagonist — has spent the past decade of his ‘glorious’ military career buying and selling politicians in a bid to install his own government!” 

“True, but half-way through the film, my protagonist warns the powers that be that he would be very dangerous if they try to take him on…” the director replied.

“Wake up, man!” said the exasperated scriptwriter. “Your hero is only repeating what Donald Trump has said. Didn’t you read the article? Didn’t you? No? Well, then let me enlighten you: Trump said that if he wants, he will violate the law and if you don’t approve of that, you can take it up with the mob that he can summon whenever he desires… his message being that he is too dangerous to arrest! Sounds familiar? Your story writer is a plagiarist! He is ripping off Donald Trump!

“These characters are too unrealistic… and don’t forget that all of them have supposedly taken an oath to protect the constitution and stay within their respective domains. Who will believe such outlandish, unbelievable, oath-breaking heroes and villains? I’m telling you, the public will reject them!” he concluded.

“If you honestly think the public will reject them, then you, my friend, don’t know a thing about our public,” replied the director with a smile.

The writer was born, he currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 2nd, 2023