Rebecca de Chandio: My guest tonight is a true middle class renaissance man — the son of a wealthy industrialist, the grandson of an affluent feudal, the brother of a retired general, the nephew of a former president, and the first cousin of one of the country’s biggest real estate moguls… Jimmy Jirga, welcome to Rendezvous With Rebecca.

Jimmy Jirga: Thank you for inviting me, Rendezvous.

Rebecca de Chandio: It’s Rebecca.

Jimmy Jirga: What’s Rebecca?

Rebecca de Chandio: My name.

Jimmy Jirga: Mine’s Jimmy.

Rebecca de Chandio: I know.

Jimmy Jirga: Know what?

Rebecca de Chandio: Your name.

Jimmy Jirga: Didn’t I just tell you, it’s Jimmy… Jimmy Jirga.

Rebecca de Chandio: I know!

Jimmy Jirga: Know what?

Rebecca de Chandio: Oh God, not again!

Jimmy Jirga: Relax Rehana. Can we just stop this name-calling and get on with the quiz.

Rebecca de Chandio: What quiz?

Jimmy Jirga: The quiz in the lightning round of your game show.

Rebecca de Chandio: But this is not a game show.

Jimmy Jirga: Isn’t it?

Rebecca de Chandio: No, it isn’t.

Jimmy Jirga: Oh well, no matter. You can still quiz me if you like. I like pop quizzes. My leader has trained all his Whatsapp revolutionaries well. He quizzes us on a wide variety of topics every time we meet. For instance, this morning he asked me what my bank account details were and how much time it takes to do an online transfer from my account to his. So, you see not only is he a political genius but also a financial wizard… except that he doesn’t have a beard like most wizards do… or like that Marx brother, Karl.

Jimmy Jirga and Rebecca De Chandio meet for a public tête–à–tête to discuss philosophy and their leader

Rebecca de Chandio: As you know I am a die-hard supporter of your leader… Our brave messiah. But this is not a political show, unfortunately. Here we deal mostly in philosophical issues.

Jimmy Jirga: Such as?

Rebecca de Chandio: Such as: what is life?

Jimmy Jirga: As my favourite philosopher Des’ree once said: “Life, oh life, oh life, oh life/ Doo doo doo doo…Life, oh life, oh life, oh life/Doo doo doo doo.” So, you see, life is nothing but a number one hit on the Austrian music charts.

Rebecca de Chandio: And death?

Jimmy Jirga: There is no song for death that I know of. If there was one, my leader would have told us. Also, I think my leader does not believe in it. Which can only mean it doesn’t exist.

Rebecca de Chandio: But then what about all the billions of people who have died throughout history?

Jimmy Jirga: Fake news.

Rebecca de Chandio: Is that why we must not trust mainstream media?

Jimmy Jirga: Not only the mainstream media but also no one at all except our leader. As he said in his recent CNN interview: “Trust is a one-way street that only leads to me.”

Rebecca de Chandio: Ufff, how profound! Isn’t life wonderful when he’s in it? Everything becomes so black and white, right and wrong, day and night…

Jimmy Jirga: Yes, of course. He is deeper than an abyss, more intellectual than the entire Library of Congress.

Rebecca de Chandio: And us, his admirers?

Jimmy Jirga: We are the font of all his wisdom, by the grace of God. As Cliftonians, we are where answers to all the mysteries of the universe reside. And therefore, he, being the quintessential Cliftonian, knows it all. So, we must thank our lucky stars that the universe transformed us into who we are. Imagine the lives of the billions of non-Cliftonians around the world… imagine the suffering… Imagine possessing the passport of only one country as your travel document… imagine not being able to indoctrinate your children at Aitchisonia, Etonia or Grammaria… Imagine the kind of dystopian future we would be bequeathing to them…

Rebecca de Chandio: Ufff, please stop! Mercy, ya Rab, mercy!

Jimmy Jirga: When I think of such things while driving in my Bentley, I immediately turn to my resident DJ and order him to pump up the jam!

Rebecca de Chandio: You have a DJ in your car?

Jimmy Jirga: Bentley.

Rebecca de Chandio: Forgive me, in your Bentley?

Jimmy Jirga: Yes, I do, don’t you?

Rebecca de Chandio: I don’t…

Jimmy Jirga: Are you serious? Didn’t you get the memo from the chairman’s office? All of us are to have a permanent DJ installed in our vehicles! He issued the directive last night while riding in my $210,000 luxury automobile, wearing his signature sunglasses and moving to the groove, baby!

Rebecca de Chandio: And this is why he is our saviour! He knows exactly how to solve the problems facing us ordinary, anti-status quo revolutionaries.

Jimmy Jirga: Hell yeah! So pump up the jam! Pump it up while your feet are stompin’! And the jam is pumpin’…

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.

He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 4th, 2022