ADVICE: AUNTIE AGNI

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Dear Auntie,
I’m a 19-year-old-girl and I am in love with my teacher. He is a mature and serious man in his 20s, who taught me chemistry in intermediate. I gradually got attracted to him. I was a brilliant student in college and also in everyone’s good books. It has been two-and-a-half years since I’ve left college. He still gives my examples to other students who later tell me about it. Since the time I figured out that I am developing feelings for him, I told my mother.

Every now and then I tell her that I still think about him and miss him badly, but she only says that whenever his thought comes to your mind, say ‘Lahaula wala quata illah billah.’ She says don’t think about him because you know nothing will happen. He will never reciprocate your feelings even if you tell him. And I myself don’t want any such thing to happen. I’m in a very confused state. I don’t want to spend my time daydreaming about a man who’s never going to be a part of my life.

Currently, I am graduating from a famous university. I am an ambitious and hardworking girl who only wishes to work on her goals, invest her time and energy on herself every single day, but his thoughts distract me. On my bad days, I miss him badly. I’m not happy with the girl I have become right now. I don’t want to be a broken, hurt, emotional and sensitive girl. I want to get rid of his thoughts. I want to feel happy again. I want to take my power back but I don’t know how. I really need your help to get out of this.
Crushed

Dear Crushed,
With crushes, the best thing to do is to give yourself some time to get over it. Crushes on teachers are quite common.  In fact, Sigmund Freud, who was the father of psychoanalysis, even gave this kind of a crush — which people develop on authority figures — a special name: Transference. This is ‘a shift of emotions from one person to another, a replication of feelings from someone important to you when you were a child towards someone new.’ You might want to introspect a little and think about who you are transferring your feelings from.

‘I am in love with my teacher. How can I move on?’

You cannot will your feelings away. However, you should also not try to suppress what you are feeling. Acknowledge what you like about your teacher but also know that you will not act on your feelings. In several countries around the world, even if it is not against the rules to be in a relationship with your student, it is definitely frowned upon. Knowing that should be a deterrent if you ever feel tempted to get in touch with him.

It is good that you have left college and don’t see your teacher anymore. The best plan of action on getting over your crush is to accept how you are feeling and have a plan about how you will use your time. You are already doing the right thing by working towards your goals. Every time your thoughts distract you, just bring your mind back to the task at hand and carry on. Apart from that, spend time with people you like and make plans with them. This will help you further distract yourself. But on the whole, be kind and understanding with yourself. Don’t kick yourself mentally for not getting over it yet. And know that getting over your feelings takes time and take as much time as you need to get over them.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, Octoberr 18th, 2020