Dear Auntie,

I have five children. The problem is my second son, who was a brilliant student till matriculation. During college days his company was not good and he started smoking cigarettes, hashish and drinking alcohol. I admitted him to a university, but he was not serious in studies, continued using hashish and got expelled.

When his activities were not tolerable, I tried to admit him in a government hospital, but he was not ready to mend his ways and treated me aggressively. At last, I admitted him to a private rehabilitation centre. He spent 72 days at this facility. When he promised that he will not use toxic substances, I got him discharged. For some time he remained normal, but after a few months, he started again.

He has had affairs with a number of girls. Some of them even approached me to tie the knot but he was not ready to marry them. However, one foreign national girl is in contact with him for the last eight years and he is serious about her. The problem is her mother is not ready for his proposal because of my son’s substance use. What to do? I am in a fix. I am going to retire next year and both my elder sons are not in position to even support themselves. What to do?

‘My son is addicted to drugs’

Disappointed Father

Dear Disillusioned Father,

Your son’s behaviour is a cry for attention. A mentally and physically healthy person does not abuse drugs. While as a parent you may think that you provided your child with everything possible, your child’s perception maybe different. An honest introspection may reveal that perhaps he didn’t receive the love and attention he craved as a child. Sitting outside of your situation, one cannot know what the actual root of your son’s problems is. However, a quality professional therapy will help pinpoint and heal him.

Reading your letter, it seems like you are running all over the place, trying everything to save your son. But do you know what the problem is? In all this, it seems your son doesn’t think his addictions are a problem. Only you seem to think he has a problem.

Before jumping in to try another attempt at rehabilitation, you have to sit down with your son and open lines of communication. If you want to influence your son, you have to understand what is happening with him. You cannot have knee-jerk reactions to his activities, even if you get angry when you have to deal with it. By reacting to what is happening with him, getting upset and being disappointed with him, you are pushing your son away.

The key here is to come from a place of compassion. Think honestly about your son while he was growing up. Was something missing in his life? Then connect with him and encourage him (don’t push him) to open up to you and share his problem. This could take time but, at this point, you are also trying to gauge how open he is to seeking quality professional help. Research the organisations that are working to rehabilitate drug users in your city, contact them and work with them on how to motivate your son to agree to rehab.

At the same time, your son needs some tough parental love from you. Treat him like an adult, sit down with him and tell him that you are stopping all his rewards and privileges, including money, till you are convinced he has cleaned up.

Absolutely do not let him get married. Your son has to grow up, clean up his act and become responsible before he can even think about getting married.

It is very difficult to let your children deal with the consequences of their actions, but you have tried everything and he has just gone back to his destructive ways. Be kind, but toughen up and learn to say ‘no’ to him. Finally, work with him to locate the right place where he can get professional help and stay closely involved in the process. Best of luck to you and your son.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 4th, 2020