Hi Auntie,
I am a 17-year-old girl, studying in the first year of college. I have three siblings, an elder brother, a younger sister and a younger brother. My elder brother lives at a boarding school. My family is facing a number of problems. Since my childhood, I have seen my parents getting angry at each other and arguing with another. My father always spoils the environment of our home. He gets angry over trifling matters. When my father stops, my mother starts getting angry. Due to this hostility and tension in the house, we can’t focus on our studies. Whenever my father has to spend money, he gets infuriated. He also gets upset when there are guests coming to our home. I am not saying that he doesn’t spend money or love and care for us, but due to financial pressures he is always feeling stressed. This ultimately spoils the environment of the home. What should I do?
Stressed

Dear Stressed,
You realise that financial pressures are the reason your father is angry all the time. He probably feels that he has failed to live up to his family’s and his own expectations, so his anger is actually directed at himself. He probably doesn’t even realise how angry he gets or how it is affecting his children. In such a situation, it becomes difficult to even get your parents professional help for anger management.

Regardless of why he or your mother are getting angry, the challenge here is how you deal with your father’s anger. You already know that his anger has nothing to do with you. So don’t let it define you or your worth. I am sure you are very good at judging the situation and leaving the room when your father or your mother are getting angry.

The most important thing, though, is to know that your parents are dealing with things the way they were taught while growing up. Of course, no one told them that anger was the way to deal with what they were feeling. However, they probably saw their own parents or other role models resort to anger when dealing with their feelings and they are doing the same. Understanding that should help you accept how they are responding to problems. It will also help you decide that you will deal with things differently in your own life.

‘My father has anger issues and it’s suffocating’

This is not to say that you should never, ever get angry. Anger is a part of a whole spectrum of emotions that we feel as humans. So it is important to feel anger, but it is also important to channel it correctly. For yourself, whenever you feel angry, try writing your anger out on paper, which you can later destroy. You can also scream into a pillow when no one is around, if it gets too much.

At the same time, focus on yourself and anything that is working in your life. Work on your self-development and on becoming the best version of yourself. Prioritise your health by working out, eating healthy and also resting and sleeping well. Focus on your mental health by prioritising yourself and finding people who support you and your life goals. Become your own cheerleader and know that, even if you make mistakes, you are only human. Be kind to yourself and make it a point to find things to be grateful for in your life every day.

Best wishes and I hope you and your family find peace.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 7th, 2020