With the world in the throes of an unexpected paradigm shift caused by a life-threatening pandemic, societies across the globe are coming to terms with lockdowns imposed by their respective governments to combat the dreaded coronavirus. Eos spoke to some of Cliftonia’s eminent personalities to see how they are responding to nature’s decision to place them in solitary confinement. 

Gen GHQ, the wisest Cliftonian to ever draw breath and the perpetual monarch of all he surveys:

“In the beginning, it was a little difficult. However, thanks to my professional training which has prepared me to deal with any eventuality (except court summons), I am now comfortably ensconced in my modest, salaried officer’s two million US dollars home, practising my meditation and self-healing techniques.

“During my stint as a strapping young officer in our special agency many moons ago, my commanding guru taught me the intricacies of a unique form of meditation that, with enough discipline and the rigorous practice of unaccountability, could bring me mental peace and make my problems disappear. And I’ve practised it ever since, especially whenever I’ve come across a situation that has vexed me and made my blood pressure rise. 

“Quarantined and searching for mental peace these days, I indulge in meditation on a regular basis … sometimes as often as 10, 12, or even 14 times a day, depending on how irritable I am. For instance, just yesterday, I couldn’t bear the questions of this obnoxious journalist on TV and so I closed my eyes and meditated and, sure enough, 10 minutes later, the journalist had disappeared from all TV screens … even his family doesn’t know where he is now. The same exact thing happened when I saw this traitorous liberal lawyer-activist-type blabbing on about something in her weekly newspaper column this morning. Eyes shut, meditation on, and voila! Within minutes, she’s gone AWOL (absent without official leave) … disappeared without a trace! 

How Cliftonia’s eminent personalities are coping with the lockdown to combat the dreaded coronavirus

“I would recommend that my fellow Cliftonians practise meditation in these trying times, as it is the only thing guaranteed to make one’s problems disappear.”

National Icon and Hope, Nazir Jr., selected as the most popular politician from Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab by a uniformed jury of his peers:

“I feel so claustrophobic stuck at home. Nowhere to go to except to my home-gym twice a day. This self-isolation isn’t meant for individuals like me, who live in tiny haciendas built on meagre 40-acre estates. I’m still young and therefore immune to everything so why must I be cooped up atop this godforsaken hill? It’s so suffocating! As a larger-than-life figure who has lived in the West, I need space to move around … doesn’t corona understand that? 

“It’s different for others because they are mere mortals, unlike me. An ordinary Cliftonian can make do with even 10 acres in bad times — because we are, by nature, a humble people — but I require hectares of vastness commensurate with my ego. Does the World Health Organisation [WHO] not appreciate that?

“Somebody let me out already!”

Cliftonia Ali, former investment banker, multi-millionaire philanthropist, founder of Help The Poors Foundation:

“I tau moved to my summer house in the hills as soon as I heard about the virus. I left my congested city and came here. At first, I thought I wouldn’t need my domestic staff and I’d just order in everyday. But an hour after landing, I realised there are no branches of Test Kitchenette or Iskanders’ or St Fujiyama here. How can any sane person cope with that sort of deprivation? After all, these are the fundamentals that our constitution guarantees us! I hold the 18th Amendment responsible for the lack of these basic amenities in this province. Thankfully, I called daddy and he immediately dispatched a masked and gloved retinue of domestic helpers my way.

“Having experienced such deprivation first-hand, I intend to launch an awareness and fundraising campaign about this issue as soon as this lockdown is over and I am able to return home. My Help The Poors Foundation will get in touch with both Malala and Greta and see if their respective foundations will join hands with me to bring justice to these hills.”

Jimmy Jirga, Minister of State for Brunch and Other Extra-curricular Activities:

“As an active member of the Cliftonian government and a patriotic national of Cliftonia, the United Kingdom and the Federation of St Kitts and Nevis, I find it incumbent upon myself to set an example to the people of my proud land(s) on how to face hardship and tribulation with grace and fortitude. This can be done in five easy and affordable steps:

Wear mask and gloves, Book a chalet in an exclusive, sparsely-populated island resort in the Pacific, Charter a private jet, Fly off to exclusive, sparsely-populated island resort in the Pacific, and Scuba, snorkel and Netflix until a vaccine has been invented.” Farid Alvie was born.

He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 12th, 2020