Hello,
I am a first year undergraduate medical student, living in Islamabad. Recently, I have been feeling distressed and miserable because of my uncle who is constantly criticising the way I dress. This is having a negative impact on my studies. I wear shirts (of appropriate length) and jeans, and I love Western style clothing. I am decent, respectable and a highly principled person who has not done anything that is considered immoral or unethical in our society. My uncle, on the other hand, believes that I am violating the Pakistani dress code and that Western clothing doesn’t conform to the customs and principles of this society. He says that I can wear short shirts and even skirts but only abroad and not here, to which I strongly disagree, stating that my religion did not permit us to dress indecently as long as it is being done abroad. All the other girls at my university wear shirts and are virtuous, right-minded and intelligent. My parents have no problem with the way I dress. They trust me and know I shall never damage their good name. They believe that people should observe the veil of the eyes rather than the body.

I want to change customs that only bind the women of this country. The boys in my family dress up in Western attire, yet I am being frowned upon by my uncle. Women and men should equally conform to the Pakistani dress code. I do not want to abandon this attire and I believe that we should be free to choose whatever we wear (just as men are) and that it doesn’t matter what you wear as long as you are noble on the inside.

Please, give me advice on how I should handle this. Should I give in or follow my ideals?

Feeling oppressed and enslaved

What you decide to do is totally your call. Obviously, the more difficult thing to do in your case is following your heart and dressing the way you want to. For this, I would suggest that you get your parents on the same page as you. Your parents and you should present your uncle with a united front on the matter of your dressing style. You will have won most of this battle if your parents are on your side and are willing to defend you whenever your uncle decides to bring up the matter.

You have not specified if it is your father’s brother or your mother’s brother who is trying to dictate your dress code. If it is your dad’s brother, ask your father to talk to your uncle and let him know his interference in your matters is not appreciated and also to convey your own family’s feelings on the issue. If he is your maternal uncle, ask your mother to do the same.

Make sure that when the relevant parent is talking to his or her brother, they let your uncle know that both the parents are on the same page as the rest of their family unit on this matter. So, for instance, if your father is talking to his brother, he should say, “I allow my daughter to dress in jeans and tops and I am totally okay with it, so I would appreciate it if you respected that.” The parent should have the courage to own the decision, instead of speaking against you or the other spouse. This would imply that the parent is being pressured into agreeing with you and not doing so of his or her own volition. When a parent even as much as implies that he or she is not a hundred percent on the same page as his or her child or spouse, it allows the other party (in this case your uncle) to try to drive a wedge between you.

Your parents don’t have to be rude to your uncle. He or she can simply say, “I appreciate your opinion, however, this is how we are raising our daughter.”

So get your parents on board and present a united front. This is who you are and you are proud of it.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 22nd, 2019