The following statement has been issued on behalf of the Office of the Supreme Leader of the Inherently Righteous Republic of Cliftonia to all media entities: 

“The Ministry of DisInformation, the Ministry of the Rights of Those Who Purport To Be Human, and the Ministry of Haberdashery, Brunch and Other Extra-curricular Activities have taken strong exception to a post that has gone viral and is incorrectly being used by unpatriotic elements to cast aspersions on the integrity and disposition of the incumbent administration and the glorious elements that comprise it. 

“The post, which mainly consists of a list enumerating the early warning signs of fascism, has nothing in common with the government’s mode of functioning, and is being used unfairly to describe the proclivities of the State. Written by Laurence Britt — a man the government is convinced has never once set foot on the shores of the Republic of Cliftonia — the list mentions 14 symptoms that signal a society’s tilt towards fascism. Mr Britt compiled this list after studying seven fascist regimes, including those of Messrs Hitler, Mussolini and Franco. Needless to say, it is obvious that only a liberal-fascist would have wasted so much time on such frivolous research.

The innuendo that the Righteous Republic is lurching towards fascism is nothing but a slur

“To prove how utterly ridiculous any contention that says Cliftonia might be guilty of exhibiting some of these signs of fascism is, we share a few from Mr Britt’s list to prove how they do not apply to our republic:

“#Sign — Fraudulent elections: By the grace of the Almighty, our glorious republic underwent the most transparent, free and fair elections ever conducted in modern history, as a result of which the most popular government in the history of the universe was elected to power. Not even the most rabid political adversary of the current government has questioned the integrity of these elections. So there!

“#Sign — Obsession with crime and punishment: Unlike previous regimes, this administration has — for the first time in our history — completely removed itself from the process of accountability and left it to the totally independent accountability bureau to prosecute those it deems worthy. Not a single member of this government has even thought of the word punishment, let alone speak of it. If you don’t believe us, feel free to check any of our dear leader’s public announcements since assuming power. So there!

“#Sign — Corporate power protected: There has not been a single instance of the rich and the powerful’s encroachments (and tax avoidance) being regularised by the authorities … not a single one! So there!

“#Sign — Rampant sexism: The recently held International Women’s Day marches were a resounding success not so much for the pseudo-liberal women that marred the proceedings with their vulgar placards but for the fact that, despite these Westernised and self-hating traitors ever-ready to malign our culture and national identity, many male television anchors, columnists, religious leaders and social media gurus exhibited exemplary levels of acceptance, tolerance and grace towards those asking them to find their own socks and warm their own meals. So there!

“#Sign — Controlled mass media: Journalists have never been freer than they are under our administration’s truly liberal rule. Columns are being freed of columnists, television channels have been freed of certain anchors, and media outlets are being liberated from journalists. Press clubs across the republic are full of journalists with nothing but free time on their hands. So there!

“#Sign — Supremacy of the military: This sign of fascism is so ludicrous that it does not even deserve a response. Suffice it to say: this notification is rejected! So there!

“#Sign — Disdain for human rights: Unlike previous administrations, this government is proud to ‘disappear’ any human rights grievance that crops up. And it will continue to do so until everyone from all castes, religions, creeds, genders, sexual orientations, colours and ethnicities is united like never before to serve our one supreme national cause. So there!

“#Sign — Identification of enemies as a unifying cause: From our glorious leader down to his cabinet colleagues to our uniformed saviours, no one has ever indulged in name-calling, especially against those we disagree with politically. We are proud to say that you will not have heard anyone in our administration label our adversaries unpatriotic or traitors-to-the-state or sell-outs or Western stooges or dollar-khors or lifafa journos or Jewish agents or Indian collaborators. So there! 

“#Sign — Religion and government intertwined: We have been assured by our intellectual guide, Mullah Do Piazza, that religion and the state have now been made separate, Alhumdulillah. So there!

“#Sign — Powerful and continuing nationalism: We have evolved beyond national slogans and anthems to provide an infinite sense of security to all the 18 amended nationalities that dwell within our borders. All are treated with federal respect. If you don’t believe us, ask anyone who doesn’t speak Cliftonian. So there!”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 31st, 2019