Dear Auntie,
A few months ago, my mom disclosed my father was in a relationship with another woman, right in front of our entire extended family. Before this, my father’s behaviour with my mom and us was really bad. He was always shouting at all of us. After we found out about his relationship, he sought forgiveness. However, after some time he started to tell my mom that this is his house, and he said it in a very humiliating tone. My mom has nowhere to go. She is a working woman, but her pay is very low, so she chooses to compromise.

I was already disturbed by this when, a few days ago, I had a fight with my father because as usual he was shouting at mom during which he said that he has kept mom in this house only because of us. Moreover, a few days before that argument, he withdrew all the insurance money which mom was supposed to get if anything happens to him. Dear Auntie, please tell me clearly, is he going to divorce her? It seems they both dislike each other with all their hearts. How can I support my mom in all this as I am just 20? And what should my mom do?
Trapped

Dear Love,
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this situation in your family. Also I cannot tell you whether your father is going to divorce your mother or not. Only your father knows what he intends to do, and in all likelihood he is also very confused by his behaviour and what is happening. So it seems even he doesn’t know what he wants to do.

‘I am afraid my father is going to divorce my mom’

Right now the only thing you can control is your own behaviour. You should try to see your parents’ marriage as objectively as possible. While it is difficult not to take sides in such a situation, you really should avoid it. You may think you know your parents’ marriage, but very few children actually do. I am not trying to defend what your father did, but he may have his reasons. As you grow older and get married or get into a relationship, you will begin to understand relationships better and realise that things are not always black and white. Right now, you are caught in the thick of things. However, given some distance, you may be able to see your parents’ situation through a more balanced lens.

The bottom-line is, parents are human beings. As children, we tend to put them up on a pedestal. Yet as you grow older you will realise that they have their flaws. Everyone — everyone — makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. I hope your parents are able to resolve this situation in a mature way.

Of course, you should be supportive of your mother and should hear her out but, as suggested, tell her that you don’t want to hear her bad-mouthing your father and don’t want to take sides. Even if you don’t like your father for what he has done, I suggest you don’t have a ranting session against him with your mother. By all means, help her out around the house and support her in going to work. For instance, if she wants to apply for a better paying position, offer to prepare her CV and send her applications off for her. Given the situation, she also probably needs more help getting her daily chores done, and you should support her with that. Encourage your mother to divert herself from the negativity at home by taking on a new interest or meet up with old friends. At the same time, keep an eye on both the parents to see if he or she is getting depressed. If that is the case, suggest to them that they seek professional help. Finally, give yourself some time, too. Take the time to really feel whatever you are feeling about your parents’ marriage. Grieve, if that is what you want to do. Feel your emotions and let the memories, good and bad, come up. Process what is happening as best you can.

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this. Hang in there.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 9th, 2018