Attended by some of the most powerful figures in global politics today, the launch of the “Bloat The Vote!” campaign was held recently amidst much fanfare at Mar-A-Lago, one of Russia’s most famous national landmarks located in Palm Beach, Florida. Autocrats, corporate tycoons and military dictators representing establishments from across the world were out in full force, banding together on a single platform to give voice to their grievances and demands.

Speaking to the international media after the opening session, Fyodor Nomenklatura, Senior Electoral Advisor to Russian President Vladimir Putin, said that strongmen leaders and other establishment figures had decided to come together to launch this campaign because they believed it was high time they stood up for their rights to openly engineer elections in order to decide the destiny of their (and other people’s) respective countries.

“It is shocking to see this sort of brazen disenfranchisement taking place in the 21st century,” Mr Nomenklatura said. “We, who know it all, are criticised and ridiculed by the average Joe simply for exercising our inalienable rights to bring about desired electoral results. It is a scandal that in this day and age, we have to launch an international movement just to make the ignorant, uneducated masses aware of our basic rights,” he added.

Strongmen leaders say human rights organisations turn a blind eye to curtailment of their freedoms

The “Bloat The Vote!” campaign was the brainchild of Mr Nomenklatura and General GHQ, Chief Martial Philosopher of the Republic of Cliftonia. Explaining the concept behind the campaign, Gen GHQ said that in most, if not all, constituencies, there is a great deal of lethargy prevalent amongst the sensible, the judicious, the discerning and the fragrantly-deodorised. “This sloth has to be countered to save the nation. And the only way it can be done is for state machinery to step in and vote on their behalf … and continue doing so until desired results have been achieved,” he said.

“I would like to echo the sentiments of my dear friend, Fyodor Nomenklatura, when he says that it is shocking, nay downright outrageous, that in the year of our Lord 2018, we are being censured for expressing our commitment to democracy and our undying love for our countries. Never before has history seen such blatant bigotry on such a universal scale. From Russia and Egypt to the United States and Cliftonia, voiceless establishments are begging to be heard. But nary a human rights organisation — fie upon you Amnesty International! — has the courage to acknowledge our woes. Where is the Human Rights Commission of Cliftonia, that so-called protector of the powerless and the marginalised, when we need it the most? Why does it not hear our voice? How is it that it can hear Malala and all those ‘disappeared’ pseudo-liberals whisper but it can’t hear our blood-curdling screams?” he asked.

But then who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth, especially when that horse can chomp my head right off, eh? I sincerely believe that my victory, which was crafted with so much love and affection, was ordained purely for the sake of promoting real democracy in our land.

“For God’s sake, we are human beings too! We also have hearts in our chesticular cavities … we also have emotions! To paraphrase the Bard, are we, too, not pricks that bleed? If so, then why are we constantly taunted for exercising our basic human right to engineer elections?” demanded Gen GHQ, with tears rolling down his democratically rosy cheeks. 

For Jimmy Jirga, the Republic of Cliftonia’s newly-appointed Minister for Haberdashery and Other Such Civilian Ambits, the woes of Gen GHQ and his ilk are a matter of serious concern and should be addressed promptly by rights organisations. He said that he was a firm believer in democracy and was certain that Messrs Putin, Nomenklatura and GHQ were just as committed as he was to democratic norms. 

“You see, a fortnight ago, I defeated my opponent by a margin of 1.2 million votes even though there are only 75 registered voters in my constituency,” stated Mr Jirga. “I, for one, firmly believe that it’s the quality and not the quantity of the voters that counts. But sometimes our benefactors forget that when engineering. I mean, between you and me, I would still have won without their assistance — for out of the 75 voters in my constituency, 62 are my immediate family members. I feel this enormous victory margin, therefore, has put a teeny tiny bit of a question mark on my win,” he confessed. “But then who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth, especially when that horse can chomp my head right off, eh? I sincerely believe that my victory, which was crafted with so much love and affection, was ordained purely for the sake of promoting real democracy in our land. And, for that, I can’t be anything but grateful.”

The “Bloat The Vote!” campaign will be addressed tomorrow by leaders of North Korea and Egypt. Following their address, the leaders will join a protest march to be held in front of the offices of Human Rights Watch, located on Suspended Constitution Avenue. All Cliftonians are welcome to attend.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 12th, 2018