For an evolved and politically mature state such as the Republic of Cliftonia, the rest of the world’s frequent skirmishes with the concept of democracy is a constant source of bemusement. It is difficult for Cliftonians to understand how this basic ideal is so often misconstrued and distorted by a vast majority of the voting public around the planet. Is it a concept the poor will never truly fathom, we often wonder?

For centuries upon centuries, the principles of liberté, égalité and fraternité have been practiced unencumbered in men-only corporate boardrooms all across the country. Democracy — which comes from olde Cliftonian words demoN (meaning ‘WTF!’) and crazy (meaning ‘do they know?’) — is an ancient system that has been practiced peacefully and successfully in Cliftonia since the dawn (before its circulation was restricted) of time. However, in other countries of the region, the practice of democracy and the engine that drives it — irregularly held, freely-engineered (s)elections — still hasn’t taken root the way it has in our glorious republic. Cliftonians have always wondered what it is that prevents others from following our example.

In order to seek an answer to that very question, Eos looked at our neighbouring state of Pakistan where millions are getting ready to vote for candidates who will represent them in national and provincial assemblies. So what do these elections mean for the average Joe (or Sheeda, in this case) on the streets of Rawalpindi? To help us better understand this phenomenon, we undertook months of exhaustive research to prepare a special questionnaire, which we then requested a few Pakistanis to answer. We share it below:

Mohammed Hanif, journalist, author
1) What can democracy give Pakistan that an absolute monarchy can’t?
MH: Raita.
2) Who the hell does the voter think she is, anyway?
MH: Absolute monarch.
3) What song best encapsulates the spirit of the forthcoming elections?
MH: Ang Ang Vich Masti Ban Kay Nachay Tera Pyar.

Kamila Shamsie, author
1) What can democracy give Pakistan that an absolute monarchy can’t?
KS: From my vantage point in London, it’s clear, the answer is that democracy gives us less tourism than monarchy. For all of Pakistan’s problems, at least it’s free of selfie sticks. The tourist lure of a monarchy would ruin this.
2) Who the hell does the voter think she is, anyway?
KS: Lionel Messi. But injured and on the bench. 
3) What song best encapsulates the spirit of the forthcoming elections?
KS: Madonna’s Where’s the Party?

Bilal Tanweer, academic, novelist, translator
1) What can democracy give Pakistan that an absolute monarchy can’t?
BT: It seems our calculation is based upon the running belief that an absolute monarchy can give you everything, including democracy.  2) Who the hell does the voter think she is, anyway?
BT: I don’t know. And I don’t know what she thinks. 
3) What song best encapsulates the spirit of the forthcoming elections? 
BT: A dialogue between democracy and the establishment recently appeared in a song. I reproduce it here:
Democracy: 
“Jhoota romance nahiN karuNgi,
Kisi aur se ishq laRa le,
MaiN item number nahiN karuNgi,
Jo karna hai karwa le.”
Establishment: 
“Tu kamar shake nahiN karegi,
Aur dance na khul kay karegi,
Tau cinema maiN ye picture kaise chale gi,
Tera item number full chalay ga,
Tu likh ke yeh rakhwa le!”

Moni Mohsin, journalist, author
1) What can democracy give Pakistan that an absolute monarchy can’t?
MH: Parliament.
2) Who the hell does the voter think she is, anyway?
MH: The aliens’ worst nightmare.
3) What song best encapsulates the spirit of the forthcoming elections?
MH: Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I’m Yours) by Stevie Wonder.

Nadeem Aslam, author
1) What can democracy give Pakistan that an absolute monarchy can’t?
NA: This: a teenaged factory worker I knew in the early 1980s swore at his employer who had knocked him down with his careless driving. He was nick-named “Bhutto” at the factory from that day onwards.  
2) Who the hell does the voter think she is, anyway?
NA: She is a woman in a shalwar-kameez and she is holding a child by the wrist as she walks. Her husband is a labourer in the Gulf. Her name is Umeed. The reader must choose the child’s name.
3) What song best encapsulates the spirit of the forthcoming elections?
NA: Declare Independence by Bjork, for the public and organised rage. Cloudbusting by Kate Bush for the personal, quiet sense of resistance and memorialising. “You looked too small in their big black car,” she sings of a father being picked up by the government’s thugs, “to be a threat to the men in power.”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 15th, 2018