Dear Aapa,
I am 20 and have completed my graduation. I fell in love with a boy who is six months younger than me. He is an undergraduate and unemployed. The problem is that I have been engaged since childhood to my cousin who works in a bank and is also doing his MBA. I do not want to marry him, but my family is forcing me and our nikah was held a month ago. I still meet my boyfriend and chat with him. He has promised me that after he completes his education and finds a job he will accept me in any situation. My husband also loves me but I cannot accept his love. Whenever he talks about my future with him I get angry. I need your advice. Should I wait for my boyfriend or accept my unwanted husband?
Stuck

Dear Married,
I hope you realise that a nikah means that you are married. And that staying faithful to your spouse is the foundation of marriage. By staying in touch with your boyfriend you are effectively cheating on your husband. Please stop it right now and make your peace with the situation. You should not have married your cousin if you were seeing your boyfriend. You should have fought with your family for what you wanted. But the time to do that has passed. If you leave your husband for your boyfriend, you will face a lot of criticism and flak from your own family, from society in general and from your boyfriend’s family too. People judge us by our past behaviour. A person who is unfaithful in a marriage can do it again. A person who takes the marriage contract lightly cannot be counted on to pull through with a marriage if things get rough… which they inevitably do.

Marriage is not a joke. Please don’t treat it like one. To everyone on the verge of tying the knot: if you are not sure about your future spouse or are involved with someone else, I urge you not to get married. It is better to fight the family right now, than end up in an ugly divorce or depressing marriage for life.

‘Should I wait for my boyfriend or accept my unwanted husband?’

Assalamo Alaikum,
I am 19 years old and in a relationship with a guy who is already married. At first I didn’t know about this but after some time his wife texted me and asked me not to disturb her husband. I was shocked to hear that he is married and father to two children. I decided to break up with him, but he said that he will support me at every moment of my life. He also said that it doesn’t mean anything for him to be married and that he will give me everything I want in life. Kindly tell me what I should do? Should I carry on with him or leave? I belong to a Pakhtun family and it’s very difficult to get married to somebody who is already married.
Confused

Walaikum Assalam,
To understand this man, I suggest you pay more attention to what he does than what he says. People say a lot of things because it is easy to say things. It is easy to say ‘I love you’ but it is more difficult to show it. It is easy to say ‘I will always be there for you’ but it is very difficult to prove it. So let’s analyse this man. It’s very easy to say that he will always support you and give you everything in life. But actually going out there, buying three cars (one for himself and two for the wives), renting/buying two houses and paying the school fees of at least four children (two yours and two hers) is a tall, tall order.

Now let’s look at the actions of this man. He conveniently ‘forgot’ to tell you that he is married. How does one forget something as fundamental as that? He didn’t forget, he clearly lied. He also ‘forgot’ to tell you he has two children. So now we know that this man makes tall promises and he also lies. Based on his track record this man is likely to a) make more tall promises and b) lie and lie again.

Auntie’s advice: run the other way!

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 22nd, 2017