Auntie jaan,
I have been married for nine years and my wife and I have one son. Last year someone from my wife’s office sent me screenshots of messages she was exchanging with him. That’s when I realised that my wife was cheating on me. When I asked her, she lied, then admitted it and then blamed me for everything. I understand that I have not been a great husband, but this is something I was not ready for. Now my wife is saying that she stopped whatever was going on between her and her colleague but I am always suspicious of her now. Whenever she is late at work or doesn’t reply to my messages I wonder who she is with. We are fighting a lot because of my suspicions and jealousy. She keeps reminding me that I never used to mistrust her before and that I have changed even though she had ended the relationship with the colleague. I don’t know what to do.

Cheated On

Dear Don’t Take the Blame,
Your behaviour is completely normal for someone who has been cheated on. You have a right to be suspicious and jealous because your wife has brought you to this point. Let’s get some perspective. The nature of marriage is such that neither spouse can be ‘great’ all the time. Partners get irritated with each other and they may even get very angry and disrespectful with each other. But cheating … that’s a big no no. For Auntie and many men and women around the world, it is a deal- breaker, because it shakes the very foundations of marriage. When you don’t have trust … what do you have?

Next time she blames you for her infidelity you have to remind her that she is an adult with a child, who made a choice when she exchanged text messages and whatever else with her colleague. You don’t mention any of the problems that you two were having, but show me a marriage that doesn’t have niggling issues and I will show you a water buffalo that can fly. Cheating is possibly the worst way to deal with your marital problems and Auntie would venture that it is one that is likely to occur again and again. Not only did your wife conveniently ignore that she was married, but also that she is a mother who is destabilising her child’s world and security. Have an honest conversation with your wife. Make her realise that she dealt the ultimate blow to your bond which will affect the family (yes your child too) for years to come. You can go for marriage counselling and try to save your marriage or you can part ways, but please do not let her put the blame of her cheating on you! Not for one second. By blaming you she is trying to distract you from the enormity of what she did. You are not responsible for anyone’s behaviour and you didn’t cause it. She made a choice and knowingly cheated.  

Dear Auntie,
I’ll be flying to London by the end of this year for further studies in a university there. To say that I am buzzing with excitement would be an understatement. It’s been my dream to study and work there and it’s finally all coming true. But that’s not the problem. I’ve been dating this guy for about two years and I really love him. He’s everything a girl could ask for in a guy — sweet, caring, supportive and trustworthy.

When I broke the good news to him about me getting enrolled in the university he was so proud and happy for me, but I could see the sadness in his eyes that I would be leaving him for some years. I don’t know what to do, should I tell my parents about us? Should I make things official between us before I leave? I really don’t know what to do. Moreover, the terrifying part would be confessing to my mother from whom I’ve hidden this secret. Help me out.

A Lovesick Puppy

Dear Lovesick,
Auntie is going to be blunt here: most long distance relationships don’t work. I am not saying yours won’t, but a lot of them don’t. The reason is you and your boyfriend will be leading completely different lives. You will be adjusting to university and a new country while your boyfriend will probably continue hanging around in the same social circle. It is not a matter of whether you will find other people. Your completely different lives are likely to turn you into two completely different people. Your new exposure might change your view on life and also your opinions. It could also change your expectation from a life partner. He might develop other interests which you aren’t a part of. And as it happens with a lot of people who live away from one another you might find it difficult to find things to talk about. This can lead to a lot of heartache, pain and anger. This is usually how it is.

However, there are couples out there who have managed to hack the whole long-distance relationship thing and you two just might be one of those couples. You are lucky because you certainly have more ways that help you stay in touch, but it will still take a real, concerted effort. I am not suggesting that you should end your relationship with this boy. Just don’t make it official before you take off for university. You also don’t need to tell your mother about this. For now go abroad and work hard at university. Also try to make your relationship work. Take each day as it comes and see where it goes.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 30th, 2017