Dear Agni Phupo,

My son does not take interest in his studies. He is in class 9th, but he doesn’t take any responsibility for his studies. He doesn’t complete his class work in school and doesn’t bother to complete it even at home. Till class 8th I had to sit with him and make him learn. With my effort he passed his exams, but this cannot go on. Now I have told him to study on his own and I am there to help him. After studying for an hour or so he stops and says I can’t study more and becomes stubborn and misbehaves. Now I think I should leave him to study on his own and he should face the consequences of his result. I have told him if he doesn’t get good marks, he will have to repeat the class. At this, he becomes angry. Other than studies he acts normal and is considered a decent boy.

Kindly tell me what should I do to make him study..

A worried parent

Dear Mom,

A lot of parents face the same challenge as you. A big part of being able to study well on your own involves managing your time well and working hard. One hour seems like a decent amount of time to allot to one’s studies. The main question is, is he utilising that hour well?

Avoid forcing him to study because that will only create resistance. None of us like to be ordered to study so look hard at how you ask him to study. Are you ordering him? If so, change the way you phrase your request. Instead make your son feel that he has some say in how his study time is utilised. Ask what are you planning to study today? And how can I help you?

Set a routine for your child. There should be a time to eat, a time to play, a time to relax,a time to pursue any hobbies /watch TV and a time to study. When a child ‘knows’ what he will be doing at a certain time, there will be fewer arguments about when to study and when to relax.

Having a routine also means he has fewer distractions. Since you have set a time to play, your child can play without distraction after he has studied.

Don’t completely leave his studies to himself. Stay in touch with whatever he is doing in school. Let him do his work, but take the time out to check it. You can also set tests for him to quiz him. So don’t be completely hands off.

And finally you need to be a good role model. Be organised and manage your time well, in order for your child to see that and learn from it.

Hello Auntie,

My family is looking for the “right bahu” for the family. I have left the decision entirely to my parents and with only minimal input from my side. However, I have had a class fellow and was good friends with her and only thought about proposing to her after getting established professionally. Now from certain unreliable sources, I have found that she was not exactly interested in me like that. Our chemistry says otherwise. I have met her parents at the graduation ceremony and I really liked them too. Now I am not sure whether I actually want to pursue this feeling of talking to her and her parents for “rishta” or not. My calculations say that she belongs to the higher strata in all aspects that people compare including financially, socially, etc. and I would most likely be rejected. She is extremely beautiful and very good at heart and her parents are beyond good. I only fear if she would want to spend the rest of her life with me and my somewhat broken dysfunctional family. There is another “rishta” of the famous “pupho ki beti” and that automatically gives me a calmness and my gut says to go for phupho ki beti with all certainty of being accepted. They would feel honoured if we accept the proposal. That is a sure deal. The only problem with that is that I have never met her and only found out that she exists and what her name is. On the other hand, I have spent a considerable amount of time with my class fellow and know her inside out including her flaws, but for that I would have to make sure all my life, to provide for the luxuries and lifestyle that she is used to. I do not know whether to go for the sure deal or the bumpy road with potential dead end when deciding to whom to spend the rest of your life with. I have never been married before.

Risk averse

Dear Risk averse

If you have left the decision entirely to you parents as you say, then why email Auntie with your dilemma? Maybe at some level you also want to be involved in taking this decision, because as you discovered that you did end up liking girl no.1 quite a lot. In any case, marriage is too important a life decision for you not to be seriously involved.

Do you really have to marry at this point when you are so unsure about both girls? Neither of the girls stand out as a clear choice — one you feel is out of your league and the other you haven’t met. Maybe you should leave this decision for now. Tell your parents you still need time. And perhaps also tell them that there is a possibility you may find someone yourself (because you, kind of have). Give the decision time and explore your options further, for instance by meeting your phupo ki beti and figuring out whether girl no. 1 is really out of your league, or if it is all in your head.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:

auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine October 11th , 2015

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