Famous TV anchor, Naushad Ghani, recently suffered a nervous breakdown live on TV while trying to explain the recent conflict and worsening law and order situation in Karachi.

On his show, News Blast, Naushad was discussing the situation in Karachi with some members of the PPP, MQM and ANP. But when he also called in (via telephone) leaders of Sunni Tehreek (ST), Sipah Sahaba (SSP), JI, Peoples Aman Committee (PAC) and the makers of Karachi’s famous ‘Bagla Agarbati’, he began to pull out his hair and shout out obscenities at the guests.

Most people thought he was doing this just to boost the ratings of his show, until his eyes went wild, his hair stood up, his moustache droopped and he began to talk to himself.

The following are some of the things the anchor was heard saying : ‘So, MQM is up against ANP but both are against the TTP, as well as against the ST that is against the TTP who are supporting SSP that is against MQM, ANP and ST but okay with JI and PAC that is associated with the PPP that was in a coalition with MQM and ANP that is against TTP, SSP and ST that are against some sects who are against SSP and ST and sometimes Haqiqi and ANP and all of these have armed wings that are fighting one another and also among themselves and against the police and the Rangers and the ISI is up against MQM that is up against ANP but both are against the TTP as well as against the ST that is against the TTP who are supporting SSP that is against MQM, ANP and ST but okay with JI and PAC that is associated with the PPP that was in a coalition with MQM and ANP that is against the TTP, SSP and ST that are against some sects who are against SSP and ST and then there is the case of Bagla Agarbati, what the heck is Bagla Agarbati doing here, can anybody tell me, please tell me, please, please, PLEASE …?’

It’s hard to satirise the behaviour of our talk show hosts, but Nadeem F. Paracha rises to the challenge nevertheless

The show that was being telecast live was suddenly taken off the air when Naushad, 47, began to tear off his clothes and started to jiggle his chest and stomach.

Before becoming a popular TV anchor, Naushad was a wrestler in the Punjab city of Sahiwal. Six years ago he was given the job of a TV anchor by a news channel after he completed a four-hour training course in shouting for the heck of it by TV anchor, Sakeela Manzoor, and a two-hour training by another famous TV anchor, Dr Junaid, in blurting out an average of 7,200 words per minute!

Most of Naushad’s shows were about diabolic conspiracies behind earthquakes, hurricanes and mosquito infestations, and about jotting down dates and days when he predicted the government would fall.

But recently he was asked by his TV channel to do a show on Karachi, despite the fact that the last time Naushad visited Karachi was 40 years ago as a young boy who came to the city with his parents to attend his maternal uncle’s valima.

The journalistic community has protested against the treatment meted out to Naushad by his employers and termed it as a conspiracy by those who were against journalists willing to openly report about the events in Karachi. They also blamed Michelle Obama but didn’t explain exactly why.

Journalist-preacher-philosopher-whiner, Dr Engineer Tariq Abbasi, criticised Naushad’s employers, saying that they had used a non-Sharia-complaint way to dismiss an employee: ‘This action will certainly arouse the wrath of the Almighty,’ Abbasi said in all seriousness.

After watching the tragic footage of Naushad frantically jiggling his chest, Abbasi warned that soon Karachi will be hit by a Sandy-like hurricane called Hurricane Sunny (Leone).

After getting some treatment at a local hospital, Naushad is reported to have gone back to his home-town and was not available on his phone ­ even though he did leave a tweet on his Twitter account saying: ‘Thankings alls 4 concern, dear fraands buts marks my words: Root cause of violance in Karachi lies in inquestionable quantities of alcoholic Greek scent in Bagla Agarbati.’

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, February 8th, 2015

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