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CII members urge a ban on the display of skinned chicken

Islamabad: In a meeting of the Council of Islamic Ideology (CII), the Council advised the government that strict action should be taken against restaurant owners who display skinned chickens in front of their eateries.

Talking to reporters, one of the Council members, Mufti Abul Taymiyya, said that displaying skinned chickens should be considered an act of vulgarity. He added that the Council was not against the slaughtering and skinning of chickens but it should be done within the four walls of the kitchen.

‘Display of skinned chickens triggers all kinds of bad thoughts in public,’ he said.

Heeding the advice of the CII, the Minister of Religious Affairs ordered a crackdown against restaurants and shops in Islamabad that were openly displaying raw skinned chickens.

One eatery owner whose business was sealed and his skinned chickens taken into custody, told our reporter that he respected the CII’s concerns and decree, but the government and the CII should not only blame restaurant owners.

‘The government should tell the CII the truth’, he said. ‘These chickens like to be displayed. It is the duty of the government to supply us with hens that are not fed on imported Dutch chicken fodder. This makes them want to be skinned and displayed in public, unlike the chickens that are fed Saudi chicken fodder. It is not our fault. It is the fault of the chickens.’

The Minister has assured the restaurant owners that he will personally look into the matter and punish those chicken-sellers who were feeding their chicken Dutch fodder. He also told them that not only will the accused chicken-sellers be punished; the chickens too will be taken into custody.

 A group of skinned chicken that were hauled up and taken into custody by the police from a restaurant in Islamabad.
A group of skinned chicken that were hauled up and taken into custody by the police from a restaurant in Islamabad.

‘The government cannot ignore such acts of vulgarity,’ the Minister said in a statement. He added: ‘I thank the CII for pointing out such an important issue and appeal to the public to boycott restaurants that are insulting the sensibilities of their fellow brethren, sisteren, fatheren and motheren with such acts of impropriety. “

The Minister then announced the launch of an operation against the display of skinned chicken by slaughtering two chickens with his own hands in a kitchen and then skinning them. He then put the skinned chicken in a refrigerator.

Though the CII welcomed the Minister’s initiative, its members suggested that the government publically flog a few skinned chickens to more forcefully exhibit its resolve to curb and banish such acts of obscenity.

The Minister said that the flogging advice will be put up for debate in the next National Assembly session.

TTP to take responsibility of not taking responsibility

Peshawar: The Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) has decided to take the responsibility of not taking responsibility of any terrorist attack that takes place in Pakistan.

This was disclosed by a leading spokesperson of the TTP’s negotiation team who added that the decision has been taken to honour the ceasefire agreement between the TTP and the government.

The spokesperson was talking to media personnel at a hurriedly called informal press conference held in the outskirts of Peshawar.

  TTP talks committee spokesperson talking to media in Peshawar.
TTP talks committee spokesperson talking to media in Peshawar.

Chief of the Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI), Imran Khan, and the Interior Minister, Chaudhry Nisar, hailed the TTP’s decision. In a statement, Khan said that the commendable move would help put the issue of terrorism in the right perspective and context.

‘The whole country has to be on the same page,’ the statement said. ‘The only way the issue of terrorism can be fully understood and eradicated is when each and every Pakistani agrees that the responsibility of terrorism in Pakistan lies entirely on the doings of the Americans and on the Pakistani war lobby being given US Dollars, and on the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB).’

Interior Minister Chaudhry Nisar appreciated Imran Khan for appreciating the TTP’s decision to take responsibility of not taking responsibility.

While briefing the media at Lahore’s Allama Iqbal Airport, Nisar said: ‘This is a good sign for peace in Pakistan. This proves that the last major terror attack in the country that killed a judge and a young female lawyer in Islamabad was surely the handiwork of anti-Pakistan miscreants and a jittery guard.’

When asked whether he meant America, Nisar said: ‘Yes. And Bangladesh.’ Nisar then took a flight to New York to meet his family that is settled there.

  Chaudhry Nisar briefing the media.
Chaudhry Nisar briefing the media.

It is not clear yet for how long the TTP has decided not to take responsibility of terrorist attacks, but the spokesperson of its talks committee told reporters that the whole nation should be praising the decision of an organisation that has taken responsibility of hundreds of terrorist attacks in Pakistan ever since 2007: ‘It’s their bread and butter,’ the spokesman explained. ‘But they have decided to sacrifice their bread and butter for peace. They are a noble and peace-loving bunch.’

But the question is will this decision also guarantee the much needed halt to terrorist attacks in Pakistan?

Replying to this the spokesperson said: ‘Not until the drone attacks stop.’

When media men pointed out that no drone attack has taken place in Pakistan since October last year, the spokesperson said, ‘not until the CIA stops recruiting polio workers.’

When told that none of the polio workers killed by the extremists were CIA agents, the spokesperson said, ‘in that case, not until yoga centres are shut down in Islamabad.’

Meanwhile talking to reporters at Karachi’s Jinnah International Airport, Imran Khan urged the media not to ask irrelevant questions from members of the peace committee: ‘I urge the media to concentrate on the real culprits of instability in Pakistan: The western powers!’ said Khan. He then took a UK-bound flight to London for a vacation.

Incensed Twitter users form political party

Karachi: A group of young Pakistani Twitter users have formed a political party that will work to identify and weed out anti-Pakistan agents active on Twitter.

Calling it the Pakistan Troll Movement (PTM), leading party members briefed the media about the party’s manifesto and plan of action. The leaders requested the media to address them by using the names of their Twitter handles.

Ghani’s Twitter handle is @DaBestestPakistani.

@DaBestestPakistani, however, is a Canadian citizen. Talking to the journalists, @DaBestestPakistani said: ‘What you mean I Canada Dry Soda Water? I first Muslim, then Pakistani Pakola, then Canada Dry Tonic!’

Mehmood Ghani, a 19-year-old Twitter user launched the party at a local hotel in Karachi during a gathering of party members and some cyber journalists.

 MehmoodGhani (aka @DaBestestPakistani). Pakistani patriot, Canadian citizen.
MehmoodGhani (aka @DaBestestPakistani). Pakistani patriot, Canadian citizen.

His Canadian nationality was defended by the party’s President, @ShockWaveMaMa, a 21-year-old college student settled in the United States. She said: ‘This no big deal as we all Pakistanis on earth that is round connecting peoples here and there.’

@DaBestestPakistani advised journalists that instead of finding faults in the party members, they should be highlighting the great deeds the party was planning.

He said: ‘It very clears fake liberals here too eating US Dollars abusing Pakistan faith, agents all of them, dogs!!!!!!”

When a journalist pointed out that the party’s President too was earning in Dollars in the US, the President responded: ‘EXPOSED!!!! Paki journo accepts taking US Dollars! #FakeLiberalCake’

Another party leader, @EagleHeadBud – a 17 year-old son of a CEO and an A Levels student at the prestigious Aitchison College in Lahore – urged the gathering to share the party’s manifesto: ‘Dudes, let’s get going with the manifatso thing. These elitist journos don’t understand da hardshipings of da poor, da dadadaaaa.’

A journalist reminded him that the word was manifesto, and not manifatso. To which he replied: ‘Dude, same thingie, stop being so elitist, dude. Ok ’

Meanwhile another party member intervened. It was the 31-year-ol @Bazm-e-Cheetah, a subeditor at an Urdu daily. He said: ‘English not Pak’s national language, flora & fauna. Speak in Arabi.’

  @Bazm-e-Cheetah arriving at the convention.
@Bazm-e-Cheetah arriving at the convention.

After the heated exchange, @DaBestestPakistani finally revealed the party’s manifesto: ‘AOA liberal fascists scum fake liberal anti-Pak anti-Islam destroyers of Pak ideology yoga bustards #RevolutionPakistanPTM now top trending jazzakallah!!!!’

He then went silent. When journalists asked him to read out the party’s manifesto already, @EagleHeadBud told the journalists: ‘Dudes that was the manifatso, dudes. Ok, dudes?’

@Bazm-e-Cheetah agreed: ‘Al-Inquilaabwal Bakistani, Habibihayahaya.’

When a journalist complained that the manifesto did not make any sense, party members accused the journalist of being an Indian agent: ‘Yes, that’s what you’ll say Indian RAW agent Zionist Elder of the Protocols of 9/11 conspiracy!!!’

Party members then left the hall in a huff to go watch Sharukh Khan’s latest Bollywood potboiler.

TV anchor loses mind trying to figure out Karachi violence

Karachi: Famous TV anchor, Yaqoob Bajwa, is said to have had a nervous breakdown live on TV while trying to explain the recent conflict and worsening law and order situation in Karachi.

On his show, ‘Fire Off’, Yaqoob was discussing the situation in Karachi with some members of the PPP, MQM, PML-N and ANP. But when he also called in (via telephone) leaders of Sunni Tehreek (ST), Sipah Sahaba (SSP), JI, Peoples Aman Commity (PAC), and owners of Karachi’s famous BBQ Tonight restaurant, he began to pull out his hair and shout obscenities at the guests.

Most people thought he was doing this just to boost the ratings of his show, until his eyes went wild, his hair stood up, his moustache dropped and he began to talk to himself.

  Bajwa suffering a breakdown on his show, minutes before he was taken off the air.
Bajwa suffering a breakdown on his show, minutes before he was taken off the air.

The following are some of the things the anchor was heard saying:

‘So, MQM is up against ANP but both are against the Taliban, as well as against the ST that is against the Taliban who are supporting SSP that is against MQM, ANP and ST but okay with JI and PAC that is associated with the PPP that was in a coalition with MQM and ANP that is against Taliban, SSP and ST are against Shias who are against SSP and ST and sometimes Haqiqi and ANP and all of these have armed wings that are fighting each another and also among themselves and against the police and the Rangers and the ISI up against MQM that is up against ANP but both are against the Taliban, as well as against the ST that is against the Taliban, who are supporting SSP that is against MQM, ANP and ST but okay with JI and PAC that is associated with the PPP that is in a coalition with MQM and ANP that is against the Taliban, SSP and ST that are against Shias who are against SSP and ST … and then there is BBQ Tonight, what the hell is BBQ Tonight doing here, can anybody tell me, anyone, anybody, please tell me, please, please, PLEASE …?’

The show that was being aired live was suddenly taken off the air when Yaqoob, 48, began to tear off his clothes and started to jiggle his chest and stomach.

Before becoming a popular TV anchor, Yaqoob was an insurance salesman in the Punjab city of Sahiwal.

Most of Yaqoob’s shows were about diabolic conspiracies behind earthquakes, hurricanes and mosquito infestations, and about jotting down dates and days when he predicted the government would fall.

But recently he was asked by his TV channel to do a show on Karachi, in spite of the fact that the last time Yaqoob visited the city was 40 years ago as a young boy with his parents to attend his maternal uncle’s valima.

The journalistic community has protested against the treatment fretted out to Yaqoob by his employers and termed it as a conspiracy by those who were against journalists willing to openly report about the events in Karachi.

Civil servant, historian, intellectual and pamphleteer, Orya Maqbool, criticised Yaqoob’s employers, saying that they had used a very western way to dismiss an employee: ‘This action will certainly arouse the wrath of God,’ he said.

After watching the tragic footage of Yaqoob jiggling his chest, Orya warned that soon Karachi will be hit by a hurricane called Hurricane Bobby.

Yaqoob, after getting some treatment at a local hospital, is reported to have gone back to his hometown and was not available on his phone – even though he did leave a tweet on his Twitter account:

Thanks for ur concern, dear fans and frands. But mark my words: Root cause of all violence in Karachi lies in the questionable quantities of salt in BBQ Tonight’s chicken tikkas. #JusticeForMe