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CM Punjab’s admirable moves against vulgarity

Updated January 09, 2014

In his last stint Punjab Chief Minister, Shahbaz Sharif, had said that vulgarity and obscenity in the name of culture would not be tolerated and strict action would be taken against those ‘de-tracking’ the younger generation.

CM Punjab, Shahbaz Sharif, gestures after scoring another victory against vulgarity.
CM Punjab, Shahbaz Sharif, gestures after scoring another victory against vulgarity.

In his recent stint as Punjab CM he has not only reiterated his stance on vulgarity but has also warned NGOs not to impart ‘sexual education in schools’.

He also constituted a high-level committee headed by the chief secretary to take action against those who violate rules by performing vulgar dances on stage and TV and has asked people to keep an eye on NGOs introducing ‘indecent sexual education’ in the syllabus.

This is a wonderful initiative taken by the Punjab CM. Especially in a pious city like Lahore, where people don’t have sex and babies just fall on mothers’ laps from the sky.

A pious Lahore daddy about to catch a baby falling from the sky.
A pious Lahore daddy about to catch a baby falling from the sky.

In fact, the Sindh CM, Qaim Ali Shah, should also follow suit. Otherwise cities like Karachi, Hyderabad and especially Tando Adam are in danger of becoming some of the most obscene and vulgar cities of the world (in fact the whole universe), with naked five-year-old kindergarten children discarding their pampers and indulging in vulgar dance moves on Nickelodeon.

A rebellious kindergarten student going wild after being given vulgar education by scheming NGOs in Lahore.
A rebellious kindergarten student going wild after being given vulgar education by scheming NGOs in Lahore.

Our leaders should realise that in Karachi too, people are always indulging in vulgar dances and irresponsibly imparting sex education in schools.

Like, for example, only last Friday night the moral minority of Karachi was shocked when throngs of young men and women got drunk, poured out and started to dance on the roads of the posh Lyari area which is already known for its steamy discos, nightclubs, bars and cafes where so-called intellectuals exchange atheistic ideas over glasses of beer, brandy and bhang. Sometimes all at once.

A group of secular intellectuals making suggestive dance moves outside a discothèque and bar in Karachi’s posh Lyari area.
A group of secular intellectuals making suggestive dance moves outside a discothèque and bar in Karachi’s posh Lyari area.

However, the most infamous chain of clubs in Karachi remains to be the notorious Nite Keelab.

This was also the club that was used by wicked film-makers in the 1970s. It was because of the activities of this club that staunch fans of Pakistan’s founder Jinnah, the Jamat-i-Islami, started a movement against the immoral Z A. Bhutto regime.

If they hadn’t done so, every Pakistani teenage girl would’ve been announcing, “Daddy, I go play badminton and dance in keelab,” on a regular basis and become a roving, rootless hippie chick, smoking hash and telling her elders “Oh you shut up, you nonsense!”

Two immoral Karachiites at the infamous Nite Keelab where inexplicably blonde Pakistani women went to play badminton, dance with sleaze balls and enjoyyzz.
Two immoral Karachiites at the infamous Nite Keelab where inexplicably blonde Pakistani women went to play badminton, dance with sleaze balls and enjoyyzz.
The JI were able to rid the land of Bhutto, but the night clubs, bars and assorted havens of vulgarity remained.

So much so, that by the time the glorious soldier of faith, Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq, brought about the much-needed moral revolution, Pakistan had become the second most vulgar country after the poor, corrupt and war-torn African republic of Holland.

The Mard-i-Momin, Mard-e-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq did everything a wise and decent Muslim leader could do to transform Pakistan into a country much like the beloved Saudi Arabia (minus the oil).

But because of the amazing discount deals offered by the Nite Keelab on its famous chicken tikka pizzas, vulgar dancing had almost become a genetic phenomenon in Pakistan.

So, logically Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq decided to take the matter by the horns and rid the country of vulgarity once and for all: He banned breathing.

For 11 years, Pakistan truly became the land of the pure. Though there were many deaths and millions of cases of sudden asphyxia and chronic asthma due to the ban clamped on breathing, but at least there was no vulgar dancing and sex education!

Unfortunately, the pure, decent and upright regime of Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq was brought to an abrupt end after a mere 11 short years.

Once again, Pakistan plunged into the darkness of vulgarity and sex education. On that fateful day, Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq was brutally murdered by the vicious Soviet spy, Boris Becker, and infamous Indian assassin, Kapil Dev, along with the clandestine owner of the Nite Keelab, Madam Najma.

1977: Owner of the Nite Keelub, Madam Najma, threatening a young Shahbaz Sharif, who wanted her to close down her evil club.
1977: Owner of the Nite Keelub, Madam Najma, threatening a young Shahbaz Sharif, who wanted her to close down her evil club.

The regime that followed was of Benazir Bhutto who, being a woman, at once lifted the ban on breathing.

All hell broke loose, and in the next 10 years Pakistan even beat the African republic of Holland to become the most vulgar and obscene country with rampant free sex, steamy night clubs, bars, AIDS, VDs, STDs and worse of all, sex education in co-ed schools!

The few morally correct people who refused to send their children to these co-ed dens were punished when Christian evangelists dressed as NGO workers administered polio drops to their infants.

Everybody knows polio drops are a way to sterilise sturdy Muslim male babies from raising armies that will one day conquer the world. And the fact that sex education at schools can turn them into sissies.

NGO workers administering polio drops in Waziristan.
NGO workers administering polio drops in Waziristan.

The heroic Ameerul Momineen, Mian Nawaz Sharif replaced Benazir and did all he could to revive the ways of his mentor, Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq.

He also tried to ban breathing, but because of the evil ways of a malicious Freemason, Asif Ali Zardari, Mian Saab’s gallant strides towards the re-purification of Pakistan were halted.

Distracted by Zardari’s suggestive disco moves, Mian Saab failed to sight a conspiracy against his just and peaceful rule. In 1999, the neo-Nazi tyrant, General Adolf Musharraf, toppled Mian Saab in a Bloody Mary coup and unleashed another wave of vulgar dancing and sex education in schools.

Under the general’s rule Pakistan again became a den of immoral activities as bars, night clubs, discos and hot dating spots and spas sprang up all over the country.

What’s more, even places like Bajaur, Swat and Waziristan weren’t spared, where the dictatorship closed down madrassahs and replaced them with Nato-run gambling dens.

The dens were run in Nato supply trucks, containers and tankers, the same trucks and containers that PTI’s gallant muscle man Shaheen Mazari has recently been running over with a Harley Davidson.

PTI’s Shaheen Mazari off to run-over Nato trucks with a motorbike.
PTI’s Shaheen Mazari off to run-over Nato trucks with a motorbike.

In Swat, whiskey ran in the river where once pure water flowed. It was a painful sight. The soul of Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq turned awkwardly in his resting place and the resultant rumbling caused the 2005 earthquake in Kashmir, the 2010 floods in Sindh and the 2014 Altaf Hussain speech.

This was a sign and a warning. The word ‘repent’ rang loud in the skies of the country.

Moralistic, upright men like the peace-loving Sufi saint, General Hamid Gul; former captain of the veiled Pakistani women’s cricket team, Madam Inzi, and the hero of the 1857 Indian Mutiny, Munawar Hassan, all struggled against Mush’s vulgar dancing demons to put Pakistan back on the right path, but to no avail.

Alas, in February 2008, Musharraf was overthrown. However, this did not mean Pakistan returned to the clean, pure days of Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq.

Sindh, KP, Balochistan, Mars and Neptune went to the Freemason Zardari who took back the Nite Keelab chain from Musharraf and continued the process of turning Pakistan into one big den of vice and vulgarity.

Asif Zardari flashes the victory sign after taking over the Nite Keelub.
Asif Zardari flashes the victory sign after taking over the Nite Keelub.

Women stopped wearing the veil, men shaved off their beards, cities stank of whiskey, everybody wanted to be a vulgar dancer like Mithun Chakraborty, and polio drops became freely available.

Only Punjab and Pluto fell to Mian Saab, whose brother Shahbaz Sharif has continued to sort out the obscene mess left behind by Musharraf and Zardari.

I strongly urge secular opposition parties like the PPP, MQM and ANP to take the path treaded so wisely by Mard-i-Momin, Mard-i-Haq, Ziaul Haq, Ziaul Haq and the Punjab CM Shahbaz Sharif and, of course, the Interior Minister Maulana Mujahid Chaudhry Nisar Ali Khan, the conquer of Bangladesh.

The ruling pious PML-N should merge with all other PML factions and form PML-ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ123 and continue to reopen madrassahs closed down by Musharraf, abolish co-education, sex education, shaving and polio drops.

But most of all, it must stop American drones from firing alcohol-laced missiles and distributing John Travolta dance manuals to the innocent shepherds of northwestern Pakistan.

The innocent shepherds hate to dance and would kill for their right to turn all of Pakistan into a proud society of righteous shepherds and obedient sheep.

I must remind our vulgar dancers and those trying to impart sex education in schools that this is Jinnah’s Pakistan, and not George ka Pakistan. Kyun, jee?