Dear Auntie Agni,
I hope you are doing well. My problem is that I was in a secret relationship which was discovered by our parents. As a result, I later found out that he is married and has two children. When he told me this, I kept in touch with him for a few months before I completely stopped talking to him.  

Now the issue is that he keeps texting me and, every time he does so, I fall for him once again. I don’t know what to do about this if nothing serious can ever develop between the two of us. 
Confused

Dear Confused,
People show us who they are all the time. If we decide not to see them for who they are, the fault is ours. I know you think you are in love with him and can’t let go of him. What is he doing? Is he telling you that you are the love of his life? Does he say that he is married to the wrong woman and feels stuck because of the children? That may be true. Let’s accept that he is someone stuck in a bad marriage.

‘Should I get involved with a married man?’

But he is also a man who deliberately hid the fact that he is married, which makes him a liar. He also encouraged a girl to go behind her parents’ back and meet him, all the while having a family at home. I can’t write down what that makes him because it will be edited out. 

If you want to figure someone out, stop paying attention to what they are saying and start watching what they are doing. It is the easiest thing in the world to say nice things and flatter someone. It is also very easy to tell someone that you really, truly love them. Talk is cheap! It is far more difficult to prove that you love someone through your actions. And actions are everything. Many argue — and I am inclined to agree with them — that real love between two people is something that develops slowly over a long period of living together.

Just because you like him or he makes you feel a certain way doesn’t mean you have to be with him. Accept this. Cry about it if you have to. Be sad but move on.

Regardless of what love is or isn’t, let’s turn the tables: Would you lie and mislead someone you loved? Would you take advantage of the man you loved and his parents’ naiveté for your benefit?  

Even now, this man knows you have a soft corner for him and that is why he is creeping into your phone and messing with your head. Control your feelings and do not respond.   

You have feelings for someone who is not available to you. It happens to a lot of people and the smart and right thing to do is to end it right now. That means stop responding to his messages and block him. 

You need to accept that you don’t have to have everything that you want. Just because you like him or he makes you feel a certain way doesn’t mean you have to be with him. Accept this. Cry about it if you have to. Be sad but move on. That is what is right and best for you and everyone else involved, including his poor wife and children.g

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 5th, 2023