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Dr. Q T Khan’s concise history of Pakistan - I

November 05, 2010

8th-19th century

Pakistan came into being on the 14th of August 712 AD. Gallant Arab leader, conqueror, poet, and expert javelin thrower, Muhammad Bin Qasim, is believed to have founded the country.

However, some modern-day Pakistani historians suggest that Pakistan was first established by Adam, eons ago (and that is why some areas of Pakistan produce such delicious apples).

Qasim’s forces entered what is now the Sindh province of Pakistan in 712 AD. After defeating the infamous infidel playboy Raja of the area, Qasim proclaimed a pious republic, which he soon called the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

After Qasim’s success (for which he was thanked by the Caliph through torture), Muslim rulers of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan expanded the boundaries of the country. Some Pakistani historians believe that Pakistan’s boundaries once stretched from Bharat through China and all the way to Alaska.

Though Islamic Republic of Pakistan remained large and strong with tall, dark and handsome men as rulers, it began to deviate from the true path during the Mughal era. Pakistani historians have blamed Mughal emperor Akbar for this.

Akbar, though a powerful king, was the only ruler of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan who was not tall, dark and handsome. This was due a peculiar virus that Akbar contracted from his many non-Muslim wives.

Had Akbar’s non-Muslim physicians not duped Akbar into believing that the virus was actually a show of tolerance and integration, Akbar too would have been tall, dark and handsome.

This virus made Akbar do things that can be considered blasphemous (especially the act of him becoming a vegetarian).

The deviating ways of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan were thankfully arrested by what most Pakistani historians rightly believe was the republic’s greatest ruler, Aurangzeb-ul-Haq. Aurangzeb took over the throne by peacefully blinding his dad and equally peacefully killing his two brothers.

One of Aurangzeb’s brothers, Dara Shikoh, was suffering from the same virus Akbar had suffered from. Had I been alive in those days, I would have advised Aurangzeb bhai to explode a nuclear device over Dara.

This would have killed that damn virus once and for all.

Aurangzeb imposed strict Shariah law across the whole country. He banned music, dance, alcohol, coffee, tea, basant, theatre, shaving (for both men and women), smoking, gyms (only for women), transvestites, vegetables, powered milk, shrines, Sufis and heavy metal music.

The boundaries of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan expanded even more dramatically under the pious leadership of Aurangzeb. Some historians suggest that under him, Pakistan’s boundaries stretched from the entire subcontinent across China, Russia, Europe, Alaska all the way to the legendary city of Atlantis.

Alas, the long pious rule of Aurangzeb came to an end when he died a natural death at the young age of 90. Instead of his sons, he designated a Yemeni camel to succeed him, but the camel was soon slaughtered by his sons and its meat used to cook biryani.

While his successors were having camel biryani, the country was invaded by the British imperialists. The British brought with them a new manifestation of Christianity, called science. All of sudden, after hundreds of years, Islam was clearly under attack in the Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

Many gallant Muslims fought bravely against the British, but some pansy Muslim scholars like Sir Khan advised his people to adopt the new religion, science, in spite of the fact that this religion was being promoted by camel stealing Jews and malicious Christian tea addicts.

Sir Khan was a well-meaning man, but was misguided. Some Pakistani historians believe he too had contracted the Akbar virus. He began to praise the religion of science, advocating the building of colleges instead of mosques; libraries instead of madressas; and private bath tubs instead of garam hamams (public baths).

Though he had a long white beard, famous Pakistani religious scholar, Inzimamul Haq, is of the view that Sir Khan’s beard was a fake. He thinks it was given to him by one Sir John Doe, who used to dress up as Santa for the kids of British imperialists during Christmas.

Inzimam believes that if a true Muslim reads Sir Khan’s writings carefully, he will notice that all he ever said, really, was ‘ho ho ho.’

20th century

British imperialists with the diabolic co-operation of Pakistan’s Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain, animist, atheist, communist, socialist and cannibalistic shrine worshipping communities, took control of the politics, military and economy of the Islamic republic.

These were the most testing times for the Muslims of Pakistan, struggling under the yoke of evil Christian Empire ruled by evil Seth lord Sir Lord Mount Vadar and the Borg Queen Elizabeth.

Two major political parties emerged in the region. The scheming Hindus formed the Indian National Congress – they had started to call Pakistan India – and the All Pakistan Muslim League (APML).

The Congress pretended to be anti-British to gain sympathy from misguided Muslims, but the hunger stricken state of its leader, Mahatma Thin Lizzy, was such that it did not take much for him to gather pity.

It was said that he almost never ate, never slept, never drank and at times never seemed to be breathing at all. Famous Afghan philosopher-king and mountain climber, Meeda Gul Bakaoli, claims that Mahatma was actually an inanimate coat-hanger who somehow became a spiritual leader and politician of the Hindus.

Journalist, intellectual and conspiratorial bowl movement expert, Sansar Abba disagrees. According to him, Mahatma was actually a prototype German android who was possessed by an evil sprit called Pazuzu, of The Exorcist fame, and which Sansar believes is a movie based on Zaradri’s doings.

In the entire ruckus, Muslims finally saw the emergence of a savior. His name was Hazrat Muhammad Ali Jinnah Rehmatulah Alaih.

Most Pakistani historians have refuted the claim that Jinnah was a western educated secular man. They say this image of Jinnah was propagated by such malicious propaganda masters as Dr. Peter Pervez and Zoroastrian sorcerer Ard Crowley (pronounced as ‘Cowasjee’ in Punjabi). Both were on the payroll of the Christian Borg Queen.

Jinnah plunged himself in the liberation movement, vowing to once again make Pakistan an Islamic republic free from all secular deviations and assorted evils.

But just as Muslim forces led by a yet unborn Zed B Hamid were able to push a combined army of British zombies, Hindu Brahmins, head banging Sikhs and naked Jains from what became West and East Pakistan, Jinnah sadly passed away.

Secular history records that Jinnah died of TB, but the truth is, that he died of radiation poisoning when an eggplant sent to him by diminutive Hindu tyrant, Punkit Nehru, exploded in his hands. Yes, sir, such is the evil one should expect from vegetarians.

Pakistan shrunk as it lost a lot of land to the Hindus. The remaining Islamic republic struggled under the incompetence of a number of anglophiles and the constant whining of East Pakistan’s Bengalis who were on the payroll of the Hindus (all 1.1 billion of them).

But, alas, in 1958 yet another savior arrived. He was Field Marshal Air Bender Khan. Though not a very observant Muslim, he was however the next best thing: i.e. a rabid capitalist.

He turned the Islamic republic into an industrial paradise, helped in this cause by 22 very enterprising families. Unfortunately, the great Khan forgot about the rest of Pakistan. When he realised that Pakistan had more people than the Army and the 22 families, he promptly went to war with India.

Pakistani forces fought gallantly, led by a 2-month-old Zed B Hamid who almost re-conquered all of India, but was denied this victory when Khan was kidnapped by the agents of the Elders of Zion, and brainwashed into agreeing to a ceasefire.

By 1969 Ayub was toppled by Soviet agents led by one Zulfi Bhutto. In 1970 Zulfi won the elections in West Pakistan and declared victory, forgetting there was also an East Pakistan. When the Army realized this, it promptly went to war with India.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.