Dear Britain,

Has anyone told you how amazing you guys are? Well let me clarify – we love you. You guys are incredible and we’re not just saying that because you are (allegedly) giving us close to a billion dollars in aid.

In recognition of how terrific you are, we humbly request you to take back Pakistan. Our government, as you may have noticed, is quite useless. The security situation, steadily increasing food prices and inflation, unemployment and incessant load shedding – all of this is wreaking havoc on our populace. We are tired and need respite.  And no one is better suited to solving our problems better than you, dear Britain. Your inflation is a mere 3.4% compared to our 13.07%. You obviously know what you are doing as we constantly fumble looking for the right formula.  You hate it when people are unproductive so you can put all our unemployed men and women to work. Even so, your unemployment benefits sound fantastic! You can even set up a few power plants and hydro projects, easing our power supply – that way we will actually have the basic necessities and uninterrupted power. We’re also quite keen on the National Health Service you have for your citizens – seems like an absolute dream.

We realise that you had to put up with a lot of complaining and discontent when you had previously um….occupied the subcontinent. But rest assured, with substantial evidence, we have since then developed into quite a docile bunch. Look at our politicians, we keep re-electing corrupt, ineffectual fake degree-toting candidates, which goes to show we have no standards and are as accommodating as they come.

You are probably wondering, what’s in it for you? For starters, we know how much you love cricket (which obviously means we love cricket as well). Can you even imagine how many world titles we could win with Shahid Afridi and Kevin Pieterson in the same team? With this winning combo, you’d even be able to retain the Ashes from Australia. Now that is magic just waiting to happen.

Additionally, you can justify your huge deficit by telling the world how you intend to increasing your tax revenue to GDP ratio (we’re one of the lowest –  it’s a game we can play together for a while. Take that IMF.

Admittedly, we’ve done a fantastic job of messing up everything in the country with our religious infighting and blaming Israel for everything. But with your guidance (and love of desi food), we’re sure that we can do better and improve drastically. So we implore you, take over and together we can re-kindle the glory of the British Empire. Uncle Sam out, Queen in!

Respectfully yours,

Your former and soon-to-be-current-colony, Pakistan.

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