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If some of Pakistan’s most renowned figures made New Year’s resolutions, what might they be?
Begum Nawazish Ali:
Merijaan, the only resolution required is a stiff one from the United Nations. Uff, kya bataon jaani, there’s so much shorsharaba happening in this town, hosting my many admirers is difficult these days. Ayla, pehlay to murhoom Colonel sahib ka istikhbal khushi se karti thi jab wo London se wapas aatayte every January. Fox-hunting in ‘shires, sweety. Aur chup chup kar wo caviar aur bubbly ka hamper laatay the, I mean it was like haazri with a twist. Darling, ab kya raha? Still, one can’t complain, what with all these suicide bombs and shirtless men beating their breasts, hallelujah, its raining men, literally.
The chief of the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan:
We believe the New Year’s resolution is an evil designed to take advantage of Muslims in Pakistan by synchronising them with the crusader’s calendar. We will target all infidels making and following a New Year’s resolution within 10 days. No place will be safe especially gyms, swimming pools, weight-loss centres, spas, quit-smoking facilities and evening language classes.
Firdous Ashiq Awan:
Vekhosirr, meri designation as a daactor heh, mujhay daactor ki hasiyat se aap ne nahi samja…(shouting) aur yeh ji beinsaafi aur lachaar harkat hai jo mai samajthi hoon ek liberal caaanspiracy hai jisme drawing room ke paidawaar aur aap jaisay beghairaton ki ulaad dono shamil hai…
Bilawal Bhutto:
Dude look, I’ve just come back from Karaaachi (is that how you say it?), I don’t have time for New Year’s resolution, you see Lord Balfour’s daughter, a blonde reading English at Worcester who I met at a Vincent’s party in Oxford, jolly lovely girl has invited me, oh sorry, I meant son, make sure you put that in right, yeah, anyways has invited to me to this flash country house party, Tatler’s covering it too and Christ, my tailor hasn’t even made my tux. Also my obsessive tutor’s on my back about my politics essay, says it’s spelt Sindh not Sinned… what would he know? Kensington zindabad. Actually, strike that off. (Phone rings). Oh wait, one second, I’ve got a press conference with the media of Thaaatta …Tatta? Is that how you say it? Oh ok, fine….Wait, can you hold on?
(Speaking colonial Raj Urdu): Hum roti, kapra, makaan deh ga Tattako, yeh Tatta mera hai, meray baap ka Tatta hai,yeh meri ma ka Tattata aur abbhi PPP ka Tatta hai. Hum Tatta ko sab kuch deh ga. Ummm, yes, yeh paaaah-ty jaan aur khoon ki hai. Err, oh yes, aur democracy is the best revenge.
Was that ok, Dad? No problem. Alright, I’ll see you in Switzerland for some skiing.
Imran Khan:
Well this year, I will be speaking more to the Tehrik-e-Taliban. Only last week, we discussed our mutual antipathy for American policies in South Asia over a warm cup of special chai and a spot of cricket. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not against Washington – some of my best friends are Americans. You see, the Taliban are really quite sensitive souls, they breathe and eat just like you and me. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not pro-Taliban. I’m pro-progress. We’ve just got to separate the good guys from the bad guys, that’s all. You see, foreign elements are ruining relations between Muslim brethren, not suicide bombs.
I just want to let everybody know that I’m here to table a talk with anyone who wants to speak to me: Taliban or government. I’m here, ok. Don’t forget. Ok? Right here… if anyone should ask… ok.
Meera:
The NyooYair plain, plate, pllllaaan, is favourite one me….Phir batain, sawaal kya tha? I the ree-cee…receive soo many taste prapoosal that I it the time for me to murree…no marry (uff, mujh se nahi hota, baba latrine kahan he…phir se kahain, doosra question nai hai?). I’m the belief that 2010 will be sexccessful season of the love for Meera….for me…if you want to murree me, please contact, but only the non-residential Pakistan at missmeerajee at the rate hot male dot cowm.
ISI:
No comment.
Brahamdagh Bugti:
From an undisclosed mountain location: This year I will be saying, Pakistan na khapay, na khapay, Pakistan na khapay and Pakistan na jamay, na jamay, Pakistan na jamay.
President Asif Ali Zardari:
In 2010, I will only be doing interviews with ARY TV.
Rehman Malik:
Well, we have evidence that 2010 is the year of peace for Pakistan, but it isn’t certain. We will need more evidence, so I am ordering an inquiry into 2010. I will resign if it is proved that this year peace isn’t operating inside of Pakistan.
Dawn.com invites its readers to share their New Year's resolutions for 2010.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.
