1. Likability matters in a host Seth MacFarlane’s predictably obnoxious hosting effort was yet another reminder (after Ricky Gervais’ increasingly unbearable Golden Globes gig) that it's preferable when the audience actually likes the host. Some people have excused MacFarlane, saying he has a “brand of humour”: yes, an obnoxious brand of humour. Hell, even the New Yorker thinks MacFarlane is obnoxious. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at the Golden Globes were a hit because people liked them. Seth MacFarlane at the Oscars? Not so much.

2. Rihanna and Chris Brown jokes don't work, so give it up

Can you make a funny about domestic violence. The answer, possibly, not gobstoppingly, is no, but that didn't stop MacFarlane from trying. “Django is a movie where a woman is subjected to violence, or, as we call it, a Chris Brown and Rihanna date movie,” he wise-acred. Oh, if only Charlie Chaplin were still alive to revel in this golden age of banter. The audience gasped, MacFarlane tried to turn it around by making his unpleasantness part of the joke. He failed.

3. Daniel Day-Lewis: unexpected wisecracker

While the host was a comedy dud, Daniel Day-Lewis turned out to be a bit of a hoot. Not, admittedly, a quality one generally associates with the Day-Lewis clan, especially ol’ “I must suffer for my art” Daniel. Nonetheless, when he made history and picked up his third best-actor award from Meryl Streep it was probably the funniest moment of the night: “Three years ago, before we decided to do a straight swap, I'd been committed to play Margaret Thatcher and Meryl was Steven's first choice for Lincoln. I'd like to see that version,” he said with a straight face. Funny, right? Hey, the bar was low.

4. Hollywood is an unsentimental town . . .

This year in the best actress category were the oldest and the youngest nominees ever in the form of, respectively, Emmanuelle Riva for Amour and Quvenzhane Wallis and her awesome doggie bag for Beasts of the Southern Wild. Heck, it was Riva's 86th birthday on the night of the ceremony, and the star of Hiroshima Mon Amour had flown over from Paris, despite ill health, for the ceremony. And who did the Oscar go to? To the 22-year-old, of course, who has been nominated before and will doubtless be nominated again. Have a nice flight back, Riva. LA's a cold, cruel town.

5. . . . but it will eventually forgive a man for Gigli. And Pearl Harbor

Many people have complained that Ben Affleck was “unfairly snubbed” by not getting a best director nomination. Those of us who suffered Pearl Harbor, Gigli and Jersey Girl say Affleck could do with some wrist slapping. But the Academy has proven that, while it will kick an 86-year-old woman in the face, it does have room in its heart for Baffleck. So while he himself might not have got the nod this year, at least his film was lauded. Which is nice-ish for him. Those of us who saw Gigli, on the other hand, are still in therapy.

6. The Academy loves gay men and imaginary tigers equally

Remember when they gave the best film Oscar to Crash instead of Brokeback Mountain? Jeez Louise. It wasn't as bad as the time Dead Poets Society won best screenplay over When Harry Met Sally (I know - I KNOW), but it wasn't far flipping off. Still, at least Ang Lee got the Oscar as compensation. And look what happened this year: Life of Pi was denied the best film Oscar but it scored Lee best director. So the conclusion we can draw here is that the Academy feels about as comfortable with gay men as it does with imaginary tigers. Which is progress. Of sorts.

7. Jamie Foxx: kind of a sleaze

Pity poor Corinne Bishop, Jamie Foxx's 18-year-old daughter, who is doubtless starting today by finding herself a good therapist. She was forced to stand next to her father on the red carpet while he tried, in vain, to chat up Kelly Rowland while Rowland roundly shut him down. The look on Bishop's face as her father simpers to the Destiny's Child singer, “I've always had a crush on you,” is a look that says: “One day I'm going to write a tell-all autobiography, go on a reality TV show and SLAY YOU.”

8. Colour is a good thing

Hollywood ladies, allow me to introduce you to a concept called “colour.” It's fun to wear and is flattering on literally everyone. So why are you all hiding behind blah greys, miserable blacks and predictable metallics? Adele, you are such a classy broad but your black Jenny Packham dress is bringing me down. And Amy Adams! Why are you wearing a dress the colour of aged pigeon? As for you, Halle Berry, if you insist on dressing like the lobby of an art deco hotel I cannot help you. Learn from your elders and make like Jane Fonda, who was a goddess in yellow, or Sally Field, gorgeous in red.

9. ‘Sick’ is now an adjective, and apparently a positive one

“Your body/dress/hair is sick” was a term uttered several times by American TV presenters to female celebrities and, judging from the reaction of the latter, this is now a compliment. Is “sick” the new “fierce” (as coined by Victoria Beckham), or will it be the new “fetch” (as one character attempted in vain to coin in Mean Girls)? It's hard not to hope for the latter, really.

10. Charlize Theron can really dance

She can act. She can make herself look ugly. And she can totally work her current Billy Idol-esque hairstyle. But who knew she could also dance? Once MacFarlane finished his brain-bleeding pig of a song about boobs, Theron and Channing Tatum came on and did a bit of an Astaire and Rogers routine to The Way You Look Tonight. While Tatum's moves aren't that much of a surprise, who knew Theron could do such high kicks and graceful slides? Also, according to MacFarlane, her name is pronounced Ther-on, not Ther-on. Something else I learned last night.

By arrangement with the Guardian