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My dog ate my memo

Published Nov 22, 2011 05:15pm

-Photo Illusration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

Pakistan’s ambassador to Papua New Guinea, Mr. Husain Luckani has been accused by a Papua New Guinean columnist and businessman, Mr. Manzooro Otto Otanga, of giving him a secret memo and asking him to deliver it to the chief of the Papua New Guinean Navy, Admiral Tropico Melon.

Manzooro Otto Otanga claims that the memo had pleaded that Admiral Melon put pressure on the Pakistan army, its intelligence agency, the ISI, and on Mr. Luckani’s mother-in-law because these forces were planning to undermine and maybe even topple the country’s current civilian government of President Ghadari.

After Manzooro leaked the memo incident while writing for Papua New Guinea’s leading newspaper, Coconut Times, ISI chief, General Basha traveled to Papua New Guinea and asked Manzooro to provide him with the evidence required to implicate Luckani in a case of treason.

Manzooro, who, ironically, has been writing against the Pakistan army and the ISI for the past many years, obliged General Basha and handed him the photocopy of the memo (originally written on a dried mango tree leaf). He also provided Basha the text messages he exchanged with Luckani written on the empty packs of Ben & Jerry’s blackberry flavored frozen yogurt.

On his return to Pakistan, Basha and Pakistan army chief, General Pervez Fellini, advised President Ghadari to summon Luckani to Islamistabad for an inquiry. Ghadari at once asked Luckani to reach Islamistabad and explain his role in what the media is now calling the ‘Mangogate.’

Meanwhile, the head of the Pakistan Muslim Geek (Naraz Group) [PMG-N], Mian Naraz Sharif, demanded that a thorough inquiry be ordered by the government so the truth behind the Mangogate affair can be known.

He added that he is shocked that Pakistan’s intelligence agency was being maligned in this manner by the government. He said this while throwing darts at a picture of General Basha on the dartboard hanging in PMG-N’s lavish gaming room.

Interestingly, one of the first politicians to unearth the story was the chief of Pakistan Tehreek-i-Maswaq (PTM), Mr. Dimran Can’t. This has now landed him in hot (but bubbly) waters with the media.

Accused by the PMC-N and some media monsters, I mean, men, of being backed and propped-up by the country’s military establishment, Mr. Can’t is being asked how he managed to know about the scandal long before anybody else did, apart from, of course, ISI chief General Basha.

Many analysts believe that Mr. Can’t has become an unwitting mouthpiece of the establishment. Perturbed by the accusations, Mr. Can’t at once asked Shahzad Roy and the Strings to compose a pop song in his defense.

Inspired as well as offended by the Beyghairat Brigade’s treacherous song, ‘Aalu Andey,’ Roy and Strings produced two songs, one called ‘Bhindi Gobi’ and the other ‘Channa Palao’ in which they poke fun at those who are suspecting Mr. Can’t’s actions and working for the status quo to stop PTM’s revolutionary tsunami of McDonald’s burger patties and streams of branded sunscreen lotion.

One song is sponsored by Telenor’s youth brand, deadjuice, while the other is being sponsored by rock-star-turned-bald-crusader-against-the-illuminati-and-the Knights of IKEA Furniture, Ali Icke’s favorite telecom company, MobiTindlink.

On reaching Islamistabad, Mr. Luckani told pressmen that he was innocent because first of all the memo contained nothing more than a recipe of pineapple mesala that he was working on and wanted to share with Admiral Melon. He said he only asked Manzooro to give this memo to Melon but before he could do that his dog ate his memo.

When asked why were Manzooro and Melon saying that they received the memo/recipe, Mr. Luckani said that Manzooro was jealous of his culinary skills and thus wrote a bogus recipe to impress Melon.

Mr. Luckani also claimed that the whole Mangogate saga was a plot to disgrace him. When asked who was behind the plot, Mr. Luckani named Zubaida Apa, the author of the famous Dalda Cook Book.

‘She too wanted to get her hands on the secret pineapple mesala recipe,’ Mr. Luckani explained. He added that once he refused to share it with her, she, in cahoots with Manzooro and ISI’s head chef, Major Sabri Nihari, conspired to oust him through this bogus scandal.

Mr. Luckani also informed that his dog, Fluffy, had also travelled with him to Islamistabad but had suddenly gone missing from the plane once the aircraft entered Pakistani airspace.

‘They knew that Fluffy could be used to rubbish their accusations,’ Luckani said.

He added that not only did his dog eat the memo, he (the dog) knew what the memo was about (i.e. pineapple mesala). ‘I got him here so he could vouch for that. But they’ve kidnapped him!’

A journalist asked how could a dog that can only say ‘woof’ vouch for what Luckani was claiming. To this Mr. Luckani said Fluffy was fluent in woofing in both Urdu and English albeit with a slight American accent.

After Mr. Luckani’s brief talk, we at Dawn.Commie, contacted Mr. Manzooro (by cell phone). Bellow is the brief interview we managed to conduct with the controversial Pakistani Papua New Guinea citizen and businessman:

Hello, is this Mr. Manzooro?

Yes, speaking.

Mr. Manzooro, we are talking from the Pakistani website, Dawn.Commie, and wanted to ask you a few questions on Mangogate.

Yes, speaking.

Errm ... okay. Mr. Mazooro, Mr. Luckani says that the memo was actually a recipe for a dish called pineapple mesala. And that you wanted to steal it, but after failing to do that you wrote a bogus memo in Mr. Luckani’s name.

Yes, speaking.

Yes, we know you’re speaking, sir, but what do you have to say about what we just said?

I am very wealthy, y’know.

That’s good to know, sir.

And very good looking too.

If you insist.

I do! I am wealthy and good looking and have contacts with some of the most powerful men in the coconut business. I’m da man! Here, check my biceps.

Sir, what has all this got to do with Mangogate?

What do you think of my moustache?

Well ... I’ve seen your picture, so at least in that picture the mustache looked kind of thin.

What has that got to do with Mangogate?

Errm ... nothing. I was just answering your question.

But I’m the one being interviewed, right? I should be answering all the questions!

Of course. So, Mr. Manzooro, tell us ...

Yes, speaking.

Yes, we know. Good. So tell us what do you have to say about Mr. Luckani’s counter accusations regarding the memo that he says was actually a harmless recipe that his dog ate?

Who’s Luckani?

The guy you are accusing of writing a damaging anti-Pakistan-army memo to Admiral Melon.

Melon is a good friend of mine. He has a dog too. In fact, I often take the dog out for walks.

And?

And it’s a Russian Samoyed. Very cuddly, fellow.

What about Luckani’s dog?

He has a dog too?

Yes. It was supposedly kidnapped once his plane entered Pakistani airspace.

Really?

Yes.

Is Pakistan a country?

What? Yes, it’s a country. Your ancestors were from this region as well.

My ancestors were related to George Washington and Henry Ford, my friend. Luckani is from Pakistan!

So you do know Luckani then?

I know his dog. Took him out for a walk a couple of times.

So did the dog eat the memo?

If so, then the memo would have been in his tummy, right?

Right.

(Woof!)

Was that a dog?

Yes, speaking.

No, I mean, that sounded like a dog.

Errm … yes. Has a slight American accent. Do you listen to FM89?

So YOU kidnapped Luckani’s dog?

I wasn’t alone.

Who else is involved?

Err … Paris Hilton?

You wish. How about Zubaida Apa and Major Sabri Nihari?

They’re true patriots!

And Mr. Luckani isn’t?

Who’s Luckani?

Jesus!

Yes, speaking.

 

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.