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The GMG: A history

Published Sep 15, 2011 11:17am

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—Photo Illustration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

Groovy Media Guys (GMG) is a group of superheroes operating in the cities of Pakistan.   They advocate religious tolerance through the killing of heretics and the glorification of quami ghairat (national pride) through free-style wrestling.   The GMG was formed through divine intervention when in 2005 God invoked a devastating earthquake in Kashmir due to the people’s liking for Indian movies and locally brewed delicacies.   This is when GMG gained a burst of popularity, asking people to repent, repent, repent … and buy Nokia’s new 657 SL mobile phones with Ufone connections.   GMG has shown great concern for the country’s political, social, economic, cultural, moral, sporting, judicial, nuclear, digital, physical, mental, intellectual, psychological, physiological, geographical, biological, chemical and puritanical state. Of course, anyone disagreeing is a dangerous fool on the payroll of Asif Ali Zardari, Barak Obama and Madonna.   GMG’s biggest weapon is a devastating exploding device. It is called the Chattering-Bomb. It is constructed with tons of anarchic talking, cheesy innuendos, fact-free gabble, all-round paranoia and awe-inspiring gossip.   When these ineffectual, I mean, intellectual compounds are mixed they generate a reactionary effect that helps produce the most vital condition used to crush infidels (also called viewers): Nausea.   So, unlike conventional exploding devices that go “ka-boom,” the Chattering-Bombs go “ka-blugghhh!!”

—Photo Illustration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

But I must add that the Chattering-Bomb is a fascinatingly unique device because it may kill the victim but never the bomber. It only makes him/her even fatter and louder.   The GMG’s leading superheroes are:   • Ka Ka Kamran who is an expert at making fast-talking jaws that explode every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but drop every time Altaf Bhai’s picture appears.   • Wamid Mir who has an invisible beard that explodes every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but shreds every time he talks to Kashmallah Kalashnikov Tariq on his show.   • Ansar Bhai Ghotki (also known as Sangsar Abbasi) has a sleeping disorder that induces nightmares that explode every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned, but these nightmares turn into sweet lullabies every time the Swat girl flogging video is shown.   • Shireen Naswari (also called Haseena Atom Bomb) has diamond rings on her fingers that are actually tiny, baby atom bombs that explode every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but sparkle every time Jimran Khan flexes his tribal panther biceps at the many jirgas that he loves to hold in London.   • Ghalat Masood who makes pens that explode every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but run out of ink every time there’s a suicide bomb attack in Pakistan.     Another effective weapon that GMG possesses is intriguingly called ‘Choti se break.’ Though its immediate translation is “a short break,” but this weapon’s technical name is Coatis Commercialus Interruptus. This device pops more than explodes, both suddenly and rudely. Their fuse maybe short but the break that they induce in the infidels’ patience can be devastatingly long.

—Photo Illustration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

However, the most violent weapon of the GMG remains to be a device called the Breaking News Grenade. It is actually a small sized version of the Chattering-Bomb.   It is indiscriminately hurled at infidels even more suddenly and rudely than the Coatis Commercialus Interruptus. Though highly destructive, the Breaking News Grenade is surprisingly made with nothing more than hot air!   Thus, this grenade makes a lot of noise and is mainly used to impede an infidel’s senses and bring everything to a stand still, making the infidel feel that the Day of Judgment has arrived and it’s time to repent, repent, repent … and change your shampoo. 

Over the years, GMG has gathered great power, presence and popcorn. It believes that a revolution is at hand in Pakistan and that it is GMG that will be bleeding it, I mean, leading it.

—Photo Illustration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

That’s why most GMG leaders are wonderful speechmakers, passionately speeching instead of speaking, gallantly deforming instead of informing, and declaring jihad against infidel concepts such as objectivity and common sense.   Contrary to popular belief, the GMG has a lighter and a tad more liberal side to it as well. It has a cultural wing consisting of sirens in the shape of trendy looking androids that are fed burgers and french fries to further fatten their complete ignorance of reality. They talk in strange tongues also called “minglish,” and “Hinglish.”   One of the biggest successes in this respect has been the conversion of Zion Hamid who was once an uncaring, burger-popping DJ at a Tora Bora disco. Today he is a hero of the GMG.   Speaking on the issue, Zaid said: “Yo, man, like, I was a no-good dude, until the I-Mess-I, I mean, the GMG, picked me up, and, like, far out, man, like, repent, repent, repent!”   GMG’s history has been short but eventful. It believes it is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I mean, intellectual meltdown, I mean mental showdown, I mean showdown with the infidels that will lead to a glorious Islamic/Marxist/Judicial/Fundamentalist/Bollywoodist revolution that will save Pakistan from the wrath of George, Gog, Magog and Rheman Malik’s curly hair.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.


Author Image

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com. He is also the author of two books on the social history of Pakistan, End of the Past and The Pakistan Anti-Hero.

He tweets @NadeemfParacha


The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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Comments (34) Closed



Fatima Sep 15, 2011 12:51pm
'.....Rheman Malik’s curly hair.' --- epic, hahahhaahhha
AKG Sep 15, 2011 12:52pm
hahaha crazy!!!...but i thoroughly enjoyed. 'George, Gog, Magog and Rehman Malik's curly hair' hahaha
Usman Sep 15, 2011 12:56pm
When I started reading this article, i thought who could b the writer and thought abt a person and at the end of it he was the person. Total waste of time. Sorry for breaking ur heart but i think its necessary to let u know b4 next article
Jan Haider Sep 15, 2011 12:58pm
[[GMG has shown great concern for the country’s political, social, economic, cultural, moral, sporting, judicial, nuclear, digital, physical, mental, intellectual, psychological, physiological, geographical, biological, chemical and puritanical state. Of course, anyone disagreeing is a dangerous fool on the payroll of Asif Ali Zardari, Barak Obama and Madonna.]] LOLZ! NFP's a genius. Yet another striking piece od satire. In fact NFP himself is a weapon. :)
Mac Sep 15, 2011 01:14pm
nicely put
Rushmila Khan Sep 15, 2011 01:31pm
"Coatis Commercialus Interruptus." :D NFP your mind is a wonderful thing to experience.
1337 Sep 15, 2011 02:07pm
Epic Drama!
Ali Sep 15, 2011 03:04pm
hahaha very funny... put a smile on my face! Thanks
Akbar Ali Sep 15, 2011 03:10pm
lOl! this list sure has more names perhaps talking too much abt the heroes would make us villains .... BrilliaNto!
Rajeev Sep 15, 2011 03:28pm
I have read many of your articles. This one should be among the topmost. Couldn`t stop laughing though of course the media and politicians in your country are no different from ours. This could also be relevant for India.
T.A Sep 15, 2011 03:47pm
Good effort but i couldn't help but dislike your (un)conscious stance on Zardari's bashings.. he really deserves every bit of it and much much more. The rest of the article is good and i enjoy your style of writing.. Keep it up.
FreedomOfHeresy Sep 15, 2011 04:11pm
Bravo!!! Impeccable flow.. I really miss NFP on TV. So called 'Tajziya-nigaars' would stitch themselves once they face this man. Keep this space colorful Nadeem Bhai. :)
Bilal Khan Sep 15, 2011 05:38pm
NFP I really like your articles but when you start defending the most corrupt & incompetent politicians like Zardari and NS et al .. it spoils every thing ... Never expected from a person of your caliber to be defending these corrupt people.
Zardari Very Happy Sep 15, 2011 05:38pm
"Well done NFP. I'm proud of you son. I'm very happy too. You shall be paid in gold coins." Other than that, the article was a Bomb!
Bilal Qureshi Sep 15, 2011 06:06pm
very well wrtitten .. thumbs up NFP
Saleem Malik Sep 15, 2011 06:11pm
This was one of the best articles I have ever read !! Kudos !
Mohsin Sep 15, 2011 06:44pm
'burger-popping DJ at a Tora Bora disco'. lol !
G.A. Sep 15, 2011 06:58pm
Saying so much without even saying it. Can't say I always enjoy your satire but this one was the Bomb or 'Bum' as the GMG action figures would pronounce it. Illustrations were world class and at par with Japanese animations.
Ghani Khan Sep 15, 2011 07:40pm
NFP - Keep on defending Zardari, his defenders are becoming fewer from fews as days go by. Soon you will be a lonely voice.
MohammadAli Ghanghro Sep 15, 2011 07:54pm
Truly Amazing I love reading your blogs. After a hard day of work, reading your blog, makes one laugh and I am really gald there are people like you in the media in Pakistan.
Manzoor M. Panhwer Sep 15, 2011 08:22pm
Bingoooo!! NFP you rocks.....just carry on dude....best ever article.
Momina Alvi Sep 15, 2011 09:07pm
Very Nice ! Amazing..I Love GMG !
Kamal Memon Sep 15, 2011 09:23pm
Classic NFP !
Fahad Sep 15, 2011 09:58pm
Just love it right from the start to the end. I have to say, this one goes into one of my all times favorites. You are like Eminem of the Journalism and media. Satirical, harsh, rude, cynical, mocking, scoffing whatever they tag you, You are a rational and straight forward person, who loves to unveil the true faces of these masked wearing double standard people.
Saad Salman Zia Sep 15, 2011 10:32pm
Yet again another disappointing piece..I like your serious articles better.
Fatima Sep 15, 2011 11:49pm
Very good article, satire at its best. Well done NFP.
Snowball Sep 16, 2011 01:40am
Can't stop laughing as usual great stuff, keep sowballing mate.
sohaib Sep 16, 2011 03:37am
while GMGs criticize everything, you consistently criticize GMGs; Duniya gol hay! perhaps they dont talk directly about the topics that interest you (suicide bombing etc) is because they think that these problems are mere outcomes of the main problems
salim Sep 16, 2011 07:29am
oh brother usman, golden bhai golden! NFP repent repent repent :)
Amer Sep 16, 2011 10:30am
Pungent and piercing as ever.
adam Sep 16, 2011 10:53am
Ha ha that is funny
Nasir Usman Sep 16, 2011 11:51am
@Ghani Khan You say NFP keeps defending Zardari and soon he will be a lone voice. Do you think NFP would have been NFP had he worried about going against tides? Wasn't once NFP one of the lonely voices defending tolarence, prularism and liberalism, until things like Taliban began making a lot of Pakistanis like me to think why what NFP defends usually comes out to be right. :)
Zafar Siddiqui Sep 20, 2011 06:44pm
Well done. Voice of some sanity in the Pakistani media, finally. Keep it up dude.
sannan Ali Sep 20, 2011 10:53pm
Can you reffer a book for starters on pakistan foreign policy history or current affairs. Youre style :)