—Photo Illustration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

Groovy Media Guys (GMG) is a group of superheroes operating in the cities of Pakistan.   They advocate religious tolerance through the killing of heretics and the glorification of quami ghairat (national pride) through free-style wrestling.   The GMG was formed through divine intervention when in 2005 God invoked a devastating earthquake in Kashmir due to the people’s liking for Indian movies and locally brewed delicacies.   This is when GMG gained a burst of popularity, asking people to repent, repent, repent … and buy Nokia’s new 657 SL mobile phones with Ufone connections.   GMG has shown great concern for the country’s political, social, economic, cultural, moral, sporting, judicial, nuclear, digital, physical, mental, intellectual, psychological, physiological, geographical, biological, chemical and puritanical state. Of course, anyone disagreeing is a dangerous fool on the payroll of Asif Ali Zardari, Barak Obama and Madonna.   GMG’s biggest weapon is a devastating exploding device. It is called the Chattering-Bomb. It is constructed with tons of anarchic talking, cheesy innuendos, fact-free gabble, all-round paranoia and awe-inspiring gossip.   When these ineffectual, I mean, intellectual compounds are mixed they generate a reactionary effect that helps produce the most vital condition used to crush infidels (also called viewers): Nausea.   So, unlike conventional exploding devices that go “ka-boom,” the Chattering-Bombs go “ka-blugghhh!!”

—Photo Illustration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

But I must add that the Chattering-Bomb is a fascinatingly unique device because it may kill the victim but never the bomber. It only makes him/her even fatter and louder.   The GMG’s leading superheroes are:   • Ka Ka Kamran who is an expert at making fast-talking jaws that explode every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but drop every time Altaf Bhai’s picture appears.   • Wamid Mir who has an invisible beard that explodes every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but shreds every time he talks to Kashmallah Kalashnikov Tariq on his show.   • Ansar Bhai Ghotki (also known as Sangsar Abbasi) has a sleeping disorder that induces nightmares that explode every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned, but these nightmares turn into sweet lullabies every time the Swat girl flogging video is shown.   • Shireen Naswari (also called Haseena Atom Bomb) has diamond rings on her fingers that are actually tiny, baby atom bombs that explode every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but sparkle every time Jimran Khan flexes his tribal panther biceps at the many jirgas that he loves to hold in London.   • Ghalat Masood who makes pens that explode every time Asif Ali Zardari’s name is mentioned but run out of ink every time there’s a suicide bomb attack in Pakistan.     Another effective weapon that GMG possesses is intriguingly called ‘Choti se break.’ Though its immediate translation is “a short break,” but this weapon’s technical name is Coatis Commercialus Interruptus. This device pops more than explodes, both suddenly and rudely. Their fuse maybe short but the break that they induce in the infidels’ patience can be devastatingly long.

—Photo Illustration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

However, the most violent weapon of the GMG remains to be a device called the Breaking News Grenade. It is actually a small sized version of the Chattering-Bomb.   It is indiscriminately hurled at infidels even more suddenly and rudely than the Coatis Commercialus Interruptus. Though highly destructive, the Breaking News Grenade is surprisingly made with nothing more than hot air!   Thus, this grenade makes a lot of noise and is mainly used to impede an infidel’s senses and bring everything to a stand still, making the infidel feel that the Day of Judgment has arrived and it’s time to repent, repent, repent … and change your shampoo. 

Over the years, GMG has gathered great power, presence and popcorn. It believes that a revolution is at hand in Pakistan and that it is GMG that will be bleeding it, I mean, leading it.

—Photo Illustration by Faraz Aamer Khan/Dawn.com

That’s why most GMG leaders are wonderful speechmakers, passionately speeching instead of speaking, gallantly deforming instead of informing, and declaring jihad against infidel concepts such as objectivity and common sense.   Contrary to popular belief, the GMG has a lighter and a tad more liberal side to it as well. It has a cultural wing consisting of sirens in the shape of trendy looking androids that are fed burgers and french fries to further fatten their complete ignorance of reality. They talk in strange tongues also called “minglish,” and “Hinglish.”   One of the biggest successes in this respect has been the conversion of Zion Hamid who was once an uncaring, burger-popping DJ at a Tora Bora disco. Today he is a hero of the GMG.   Speaking on the issue, Zaid said: “Yo, man, like, I was a no-good dude, until the I-Mess-I, I mean, the GMG, picked me up, and, like, far out, man, like, repent, repent, repent!”   GMG’s history has been short but eventful. It believes it is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I mean, intellectual meltdown, I mean mental showdown, I mean showdown with the infidels that will lead to a glorious Islamic/Marxist/Judicial/Fundamentalist/Bollywoodist revolution that will save Pakistan from the wrath of George, Gog, Magog and Rheman Malik’s curly hair.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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