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Advice: Fun in the bubble bath

May 09, 2010

I better not call you Auntie, because many people now call me Auntie. I am 45, divorced, highly successful in my career, earning fairly well by all standards, parenting a teenager alone (since the child's birth). In short I had no problem except that I was alone. Bored of my social situation, I thought of remarrying. And can you imagine what happened? I landed up with the smartest, most interesting, decent, well bred, highly educated person on earth... that too on the Net. But alas! He is married for 30 years and can't marry me. I knew from the beginning that he was married (he never lied) and that he loves his wife very much (he says he loves me as much.) Whenever I ask him to marry me, he doesn't say anything. When I stop seeing him, he becomes very upset and starts begging me not to do it. Well, you can imagine my frustration. My situation is still the same... ALONE. Nevertheless, he offers much needed strong emotional support. He is very intelligent and we both enjoy each other's company. Dear Auntie, I can't reach a decision, what shall I do? Shall I walk out and wait for a suitable person (I have never met a person like him before) or shall I continue seeing this gentleman, oblivious of his wife's presence and her feelings?

Dear Auntie,
No you shouldn't be oblivious to the wife because if you marry this man (if he will, and it is a big IF), three years down the road his new girlfriend will be discussing similar issues with her best friend, while you sit alone and wondering in some shady apartment. Don't believe me? Please don't try and find out the hard way.

So you think he loves you as much as he does his wife, eh? If he did he would marry you, like he did her.

And he never lied to you, right? But he does to his wife, so he isn't some saint you know. Your problem is loneliness, and trust me you can have the same problem even if you are married. It's not you, it's not his wife but this guy who is having a party in his self-created bubble bath of fun and you, darling have to pull out the drain stopper. Set yourself the task of cultivating a good support group of friends and family, and use it to replace the vacuum this cheat leaves in your life.

Salam dear Khala G,
I am a 28-year-old PhD student in a well known Institute of Pakistan. Last month I was in Malaysia for a conference. On the second day of the conference I met a Malaysian girl and we had coffee and dinner together. We spent two days together and I fell in love with her. Now we are in touch through email and mobile.

Khala G, the problem is that I want to marry her but my parents disapprove of my wish to marry a foreigner, as we belong to a Baloch family. She is ready to live with me in Pakistan or we could also live in Malaysia. Both of us don't have such issues.

Please Auntie, tell me what should I do to convince my parents?
Love in Malaysia

Dear Bhanjayji,
What worries Auntie is that you have spent just two days with this girl and are convinced that she is The One. How well do you know her? A nice girl in pretty foreign surroundings doesn't give much insight into being married to someone. More importantly, if you take the plunge, will your love keep the two of you going if your parents stop meeting you after marriage? I know this is the worst case. But it could happen, you know.

You have tried to convince them but your parents detest the idea ask yourself if you are willing to give up your family for this woman? Do you know her that well? Are you sure? These are tough question, but ones that you need to ask yourself. And while you do that, postpone the marriage.

Hey Auntie,
My story is kind of different from others in that it's not a problem but a big confusion.

I am in love with one of my cousins and the issue is that right now I am 19 years old and she is just 13. I don't know what to do now. Please don't take it the wrong way because it's not attraction but true love and I mean it. I used to like her from the beginning but now I know that it's love. I don't know what to do next. I can wait for sure. But am confused about whether I should tell her myself or ask my mom to convince her or whatever through all this rishta stuff. Please help me with this.
Older cuz

Hey Nabakov,
You know at 19 and 13, the age gap between you two is as wide as the Swat valley. Only it's not as pretty. Auntie is almost tempted to say, 'How dare you!' because she is only a child. In fact pray tell, if by the time she turned 13 you are head over heels and thinking of marriage and rishtas, when was the 'beginning'?

Do not tell her or your mother. Or anyone else. In fact try to get over it because this ain't love, it's... hmmm... a fetish.

However, if Auntie is wrong (which she seldom is) and you still feel this way ten years down the road, by all means let her know. But at the moment, lay off!

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to