Dear Auntie,

I hope this letter finds you in good health. I am writing to you with a heavy heart. My mother and I are going through a very difficult situation.

My father passed away 13 years ago. Since then, my mother, my sisters and I have been living with my father’s brother. When I was younger, my uncle had me engaged to his daughter, without my consent. However, now that I am grown up, I have decided that I do not want to go through with this engagement.

Unfortunately, my uncle and his family are very unhappy with my decision. They have threatened to disown me and my mother if we do not agree to the engagement. This has put a lot of pressure on us and we are both very disappointed with the situation

‘Should I Marry to Keep Peace in the Family?’

I am reaching out to you as someone I trust and value for your guidance and advice. Please let me know what you think would be the right course of action for me to take in this situation. What steps can I take to alleviate the pressure and stress that my mother and I are currently facing? Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Orphan Boy

Dear Under Pressure,

Losing a parent so young often means that you grow up carrying the burden of responsibilities and pressures that other people do not fully understand. What your uncle did likely comes from a traditional mindset and from a desire to keep ties within the family, but marriage is too big a decision to be made without the consent of the people involved. You were a child when this engagement was decided and it is understandable that, as an adult, your feelings about it have changed.

At the same time, I can also understand why this situation has become emotionally charged. Your uncle likely feels hurt and rejected after considering — for a long time — that the engagement was an understanding between your families for years. In many families, these matters become about honour and expectations.

So, the way forward requires that you remain calm and respectful towards your uncle’s family and avoid any kind of confrontation. You should definitely not insult the proposal or attack your uncle’s family. Instead, gently make it clear that you do not feel ready about moving forward with the marriage.

While you are gentle, you also need to be firm at the same time. If possible, ask an elder that people in your family trust to mediate the matter between you and your uncle. Make sure it is someone your family listens to because often these situations calm down when another elder explains things diplomatically.

You should definitely not allow guilt to force yourself into a marriage that you do not want. When you are resentful inside a marriage, it damages everyone involved, including the woman and their families.

As for your uncle threatening to disown you and your mother, it is possible that he is saying that in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, families say extreme things in moments of anger. It is coming from his pride, which has been wounded. You should give your emotions some time to cool down before you assume that every relationship is broken forever and work on finding a family mediator.

In the meantime, you should focus on becoming financially and emotionally stronger so that you and your mother are not as vulnerable to pressure. When you are stable, you have choices.

Know that you are absolutely right to want to have a say in your own future. You just need to handle it with patience and with respect, even if others around you are getting emotional.

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 17th, 2026