A itchisonia-upon-Chenab, February 22: In a startling new development that has sent waves of huzzahs throughout insane asylums, nothing happened in the Republic of Cliftonia yesterday. Peace prevailed, as it always has, in every nook, corner, niche and alcove of the Republic. In fact, reports coming in from across the nation confirm that even the Republic’s round edges remained bathed in bucketfuls of undiluted peace.
Last week, 595,629 flowers bloomed in Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, ushering in the much-awaited spring season. Around 320,450 beautifully-plumed Siberian Bloompanthers — Ciftonia’s national bird — flew and nested in the 927,328 evergreen trees planted by the authorities last Friday, as part of their ‘A Bird In Tree Is Worth Two In The Bush’ campaign.
Speaking to the media, Jimmy Jirga, Minister of Bird-Settling, Cravats and Brunches, said that the arrival of such an unprecedented number of birds augured well for the future of the food industry.
“There has been a deluge of birds to match the tsunami of trees that I had personally planted last month,” he said. “For what is a bird if not nature’s way of supplying us with eggs. And you will be pleased to know that not a single one of our birds has found mention in the X-Files, which have recently been released by the Federal Bureau of the Department of Justice and Central Intelligence. This has proved, yet again, that even our birds are as pure as the driven snow,” he stated.
In the Republic of Cliftonia, peace is permanent, statistics are miraculous and anything missing from official records simply never existed
“Speaking of which, I am pleased to report that our Met Department registered almost two million snowflakes that fell across the length and breadth of Grammaria county, sending snow-starved Grammarians into uncontrollable bouts of delight and delirium. The government played its part in setting up stalls that sold colourful and delicious snow cones, which could be licked, chomped or snorted as per the discretion and mood of the customer,” he added.
“And once again, we are happy to report that none of our snow cones were mentioned in any of the emails that were part of the recently released X-Files.”
According to the Ministry of Chocolate, Caramel and Fine Dining, more than 53,000 high quality chocolate nougats were distributed to children in private schools in the western borough of Mrs. Agha. This distribution was sponsored by a generous Cliftonian tech-billionaire based in the Valley of Silicon.
“Expatriate Cliftonians are undoubtedly the greatest suppositories of our country, for they have a solution for every supposed ailment that afflicts our land. Their wealth, intelligence, qualifications, multiple passports, distance, extremely high (double) standards, and desire to ensure their children study and make a career somewhere as far away from the motherland make them shining exemplars of those seeking the last refuge,” explained Minister Jirga.
“The nougats provided were of stellar quality and satisfied one of the most basic needs of our children. Who but a billionaire can gauge such essential needs? Who but a babydoll robber baron can respond with such alacrity to requirements that are crying out to be met by large-hearted Siliconians? None but them,” he said.
“Let me also tell you that not one of the thousands of nougats delivered found its way into the X-Files, even though their donor did. But then that is the beauty of this wonderful, peaceful universe that we’ve created.”
The ministry also released information on the 3,298 cultural events held over the past few months, which helped reinforce the peace that the world has ceaselessly enjoyed since right after lunch on Wednesday, 23 August, 1142 CE. Ballets, classical music recitals, defence industry exhibitions, literature festivals, sports events, anti-terrorism conferences, food fests, and kidnapping, ransom and home security seminars jostled with each other for attention, as governments across the world celebrated peace and harmony and imposed it on its citizens with an iron foot, as their hand was busy doing other things.
“As a distinguished member of many panels at these events, I can tell you for certain that I was quite nervous at how fragile the peace we have imposed globally on our collective peoples is and how it can be shattered by one unwanted phrase, one misspoken word, one unfunny joke and one broken wind,” said Minister Jirga.
“But fortunately, mankind has learned to live with us and our many moods and better sense has always prevailed. As contemporary history’s greatest sage, St Morrissey sang about us many moons ago: ’Don’t blame/ This sweet and tender hooligan/ Because he’ll never, never, never do it again/ Not until the next time.’ I sincerely believe no truer words have since been spoked.”
Minister Jirga also said that, lest anyone forget, it was imperative to note that not one event, festival, symposium, seminar etc held was mentioned in any of the emails, photographs, videos, secret recordings, locker rooms and islands listed in the X-Files, thereby proving that such files were nothing more than a sinister effort by his mother-in-law to blame him for everything that’s ever happened in Cliftonia’s peaceful little world.
Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram @faridalvie
Published in Dawn, EOS, February 22nd, 2026
