Dear Diary,
Today was a long day. It was the longest day any popular world leader in the history of popular world leaders has had to face. I had at least half a dozen meetings scheduled with foreign folk, social media influencers and my family members, some of whom turned out to be the social media influencers I had to meet. I don’t know what people expect from me. Just because I’m the smartest person in the room doesn’t mean I should know what I’m doing.

I met the head of a very senior delegation from Congo. He was someone who was very high up in the chain of hierarchical high-ups. I think he was a king or something. Maybe a president. He was wearing a military uniform, so he could have been a very senior and important general… in fact, maybe even a colonel!

You know only very important people come to see me because I only see very important people as I am one of the — if not the — busiest presidents in the history of our republic. I am sure even Alexander the Great, that famous Macadamian conqueror, wasn’t as busy as I am. How could he be? There was no social media in his time.

An exclusive peek into the private musings of Global Leader Extraordinaire, D. Drumpf…

‘What is a Congo?’ I asked one of my assistants during the meeting. Before he could answer, I felt a rumbling in my stomach, which is my body’s way of telling me that I am not just hungry but also bored. My boresome levels are very low because I went to an Ivy League university and, usually, I need mental stimulations in order to function on a golf course that I own in Florida, which is very popular with Russian oligarchs. They are mega rich but not as rich as I am. I am still the biggest rich in the world!

I had a beef burger with cheesy fries for lunch right after the Congos left. Lettuce is a waste of time and space. Must tell my team to ban it. We are not Chinese, so why should we be eating lettuce. I’d rather take a nap than eat foreign vegetables. We need to make our own vegetables great again.

Today, I saw a couple of pigeons mating outside my office window. The Congoleans probably saw that, too. It did not set the right example. For an administration that believes in family values and banning books and firing librarians, I was hugely shocked to see this occurring right in front of my eyes! It looks like there’s no shame left in this country. I blame the corrupt, evil previous administration.

I was so angry. Heads had to roll. I called my son and told him to fire the head of security asaply. Sex on the windowsills might make a good title for my next book but it will not make this country great again. Thank God, my son is as smart as me (or as close to being as smart as anyone can try and be to me) and he took care of this matter straight away by issuing orders that all birds on the premises be shot on sight. Also squirrels, because they can be just as frisky.

Later in the day, I met someone from Japan. But I don’t remember who, so she can’t be that important. I like sushi. I have a sushi restaurant in New York. Sushi comes from Japan. And California. I know this because I am a student of history. And also, because I once visited a sushi factory during my first and very important trip to Japan. The factory was located along the Japan-Germany border. Many Germans are also blonde and fascist, like me and my sons.

I work so hard that every two days I need a four-day holiday to recuperate. According to my doctor, I am the best recuperator. He said he has never seen anyone recuperate as quickly and as beautifully as me. Not even George Washington, even though he was a general and fought in a war called independence, which was held against the British on two prime real estate locations: one was the Boston Harbour, which was well known for tea parties, and the other was Madison Square Garden, which is the hub of mega events such as the Miss Universe pageant.

I remember my father telling me that, one time, when George Washington had just finished attacking a village of Navajo children and elders in the middle of the night, he was shocked to find the Navajo nation attack his fort the next morning in retaliation. “I can’t believe this! Just because we attacked them, they thought it was okay to attack us?!” he had said disappointedly to his assistant, J.D. Rostopovitch.

And how right he was. How can you make the world a peaceful place when the people you bomb, bomb you right back? 

Bigly sighs,

D. Drumpf,
Global Leader Extraordinaireg

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 15th, 2025