Last month, while we were having lunch, totally out of the bloom, Janoo said, “I’ve been thinking, it would be fun to go abroad on a week-long trip, no?”

I was so shocked, so shocked, I almost dropped the water jug I was holding at the time. Thanks God I didn’t, because it was cut glass from my jahez only.

Janoo suggesting something fun? Janoo actually wanting to go abroad? Without any pushing and plodding from me? Had he gone mad? Had he had an overnight personality transplant?

“Theek tau ho, Janoo?” I asked.

He laughed and said, “I thought it would do us good to get away from the smog, but if you don’t want to…”

An unexpected vacation in Egypt has Butterfly making comparisons and pondering about giving its dusty capital a much-needed facelift

“Don’t want to?” I shrieked. “Am I crack that I wouldn’t want to go abroad? Of course I want.”

In my mind, I was already strolling down Bond Street, popping into Prada, checking out Channel, looking at Lay Lo Piano, or maybe I’d go all the way to New York, where I’d try on Jimmy Choo ki heels in Sacks Fifth Avenew, a D&G jacket at Barney’s and take photo of myself having brunch at a cute café, wearing a fur ki hat like Rehana at Fashion Awards, to put on Insta to saarho all my friends inhaling smog in Lahore…

“Excellent,” said Janoo, rubbing his hands. “I was hoping you’d agree, because we’re booked to leave for Cairo on Friday.”

“Cairo?” I gasped. “Cairo, meaning Egypt?”

“The very same,” he grinned.

“But, but I thought you said abroad!” I protested.

“Cairo is not abroad? It’s in Pakistan? Next to Tando Allah Yar, perhaps? Or just up from Mandi Bahawuddin?”

“Now, don’t be funny, okay?” I said. “You know fully what I mean.”

“No, I don’t. What do you mean?”

“Abroad is, you know, cold places with goras. Not dusty and brown and poor like us.”

“So, Bangkok is not abroad then? Nor Cape Town? Nor Beijing? Nor Istanbul? Oh no, wait, Beijing gets cold, as does Istanbul. It’s Nairobi which can’t be called abroad…”

I must admit, vaisay, Cairo has an acchha bhalla abroad type airport. With a Duty Free like Dubai, selling designer bags and even whisky, vodka vaghera. Imagine! And their new museum, GEM, that is also straight out of abroad. Huge and big with long, long escalators and vast halls and professional lightening and glass cases, like they have in the Met and Loove.

But it’s full of stony old Egyptian things. You know, mummies and all? Them only. No Chinese dishes or Persian carpets or Carter kay diamonds or paintings by Maanay, Monnay vaghera. But still, it is getting a lot of tourists. And rich gora ones at that. And busloads of Chinese also. You should have seen them around the pyramids. Big, big parties in big, big hats, all taking selfies.

Pyramids are huge and tall, like multi-storey plazas, but honestly, they’re a bit same to same — once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Also, don’t want to be mean but, like Mulloo, the Spinks is really showing her age. Their Nile is bigger and fuller than our poor dry little Ravi, and they have all these restaurants and bars next to the river, where you can sit in the evening and enjoy. You can also take a boat down the Nile and enjoy. One thing I’ve noticed about Egyptians, they really know how to enjoy.

Egyptian oranges are nice, and dates and strawberries also. And they make nice fresh juices. But even though Janoo says they’re the mother of all civilisations, they haven’t discovered kala namak yet. And their kebabs are not as nice as the seekh kebabs at Ashraf Tikka Shop in Main Market.

Cairo reminds me of Karachi, with its bad air and bad traffic, and crowds and crowds of people and no trees but, unlike Karachi, it has lots of old mosques and palaces and tombs vaghera. I think so, it’s a

little bit older than Karachi. It’s very dusty, but if I had a big hose like a fireman, I’d give the old buildings a proper ghusal. So nice and clean they would look then.

In restaurants, they are serving wine shine khullam khulla and people are drinking araam se, and no one is minding even this much. Egyptians are even growing their own wine. Imagine! Also, they are going to bars and clubs, and dancing and enjoying. Like that, Cairo is same as Istanbul and Dubai and KL and all.

I think so, it’s only Saudi Arabia and us and Afghanistan that are pukka like that anymore. And the way Saudi is going, soon there will be only two of us left in the world. The Talibans and us.

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 9th, 2025