Dear Auntie,
I am a 25-year-old female and not very desperate to get married. My mother, on the other hand, is desperate. She has been trying for me for the past three years. Several people have come and met me. Sometimes we reject, sometimes they do. But I am unable to find the right match.

The proposals I get are usually of divorced men, as I am residing in Pakistan, although we are seeking proposals from abroad. But even in proposals from Pakistan, we haven’t had much success. Going in front of people itself is traumatic, let alone listening to their comments and dealing with their fake demeanour. Sometimes I think of love marriage, but nowadays you cannot tell who is serious with you and who is playing.

My mother wants me to register in matrimonial groups. I find the idea to pay people money so that they would come and scan you ridiculous. But I don’t think I have many choices left anyway. I don’t have any potential guys in sight, neither at my university nor at work, and this entire process is extremely draining and is feeding on my self-esteem. I am very well-educated and pretty, but still I don’t know why it is not working out for me.

Please suggest ideas and strategies on where I can improve and get out of this cycle asap.
Thanks and regards,
Concerned.

‘I Can’t Find the Right Match’

Dear Concerned,
You are in a tough spot, navigating the pressures of your family’s and society’s expectations and your personal desires. Firstly, it’s essential to prioritise your own well-being and happiness. Marriage is important, but you shouldn’t rush into it just to meet others’ expectations.

Think about expanding your social circles or joining interest groups where you might meet like-minded individuals. Sometimes, couples find each other unexpectedly when they are engaged in activities they enjoy. Also, online platforms can help broaden your scope beyond Pakistan. While paying for matrimonial services can feel strange, it can increase your chances of meeting someone compatible from abroad. I would suggest putting your judgement aside and using the service.

If you feel that people who come through the service are ‘scanning’ you or ‘checking you out’, you are also ‘checking out’ the potential partner. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating that you parade in front of potential in-laws with a tea trolley. Just do what you would do when regular guests come to the house. There may be decent people out there using the service because they are unable to find appropriate matches. Keep an open mind.

It’s also worth having an open and honest conversation with your mother about your feelings and concerns. Together, you can explore alternative approaches and strategies that align more closely with your values and comfort level when it comes to meeting potential in-laws and spouses.

Finding the right match can take time, and it’s okay to take breaks when you need to prioritise your mental health. Trust in yourself and don’t lose sight of what truly matters to you.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 19th, 2024