Last year started with a prime minister being deposed, and went on to see an economy going down an IMF-monitored drain, an army presser saying they do not interfere in politics after they did, in fact, interfere in politics, an assassination attempt on that former prime minister and, finally, audio leaks about political logrolling and sexual fantasies.

So just like any other year then.

Imran Khan recently blamed the incumbent government for letting the Tehreek-i-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) regroup, which started attacking civilian areas again. This, from a man who once said they should be allowed to open offices in the country — maybe share PowerPoint presentations on their bombing plans with the city government — and called for peace talks with our “misunderstood brothers”.

Which is how they regrouped. I don’t even want to meet our more understood brothers.

The present government has responded in strong terms — by doing absolutely nothing — while the TTP has formed a parallel government. All differences aside, maybe they can lend us their finance minister?

This new year looks like it’s going to be worse than the year before, which was even worse than the year before, which was even worse the year before that…

Let’s forget the past year and a looming worse year. Instead, let’s recount our achievements on our Diamond Jubilee…

In more positive annual developments, the last year also saw Pakistan’s diamond jubilee. Not as great as our golden Jubilee, the chocolate, but still an impressive feat, considering we’ve suffered through three wars, three dictatorships and three Ali Zafar albums to get here.

We overcame covid. That’s good news. Even the virus couldn’t survive the Air Quality Indexes of Lahore and Karachi.

We’ve concluded 75 years of independence. In fact, we’re so independent, we’re independent from taxation, housing by-laws, the justice system and toilet manners — because everywhere you go there’s some graffiti imploring us to not piss on the wall.

We’ve had 75 years of political bickering and accusations of corruption. We have a party based on fighting corruption, we have songs about corruption, we have generals and bureaucrats with offshore accounts who sing those songs about corruption. But little of it is actual corruption, they call it ‘smart tax management’.

Seventy-five years of sporting excellence, four hockey world cups and one cricket world cup that people now wish we’d never won. World domination in squash, the sport, and the drink. I don’t know in which one we hold the most records.

Seventy-five years of film and music. We had greats like Nusrat, Noor Jehan, Nayyara Noor, Mehdi Hasan, Nazia Hassan, and then we had… Saleem Javed in a sleeveless thong bodysuit. We had the great Waheed Murad, the exceptional Babra Sharif, the ‘I’m running out of adjectives here’ Sultan Rahi. And now we have…. Shaan Shahid and Hamza Ali Abbasi. That’s no criticism on their acting, that criticism will come when they manage to do any.

Seventy-five years of great comedians. Anwar Maqsood, Moin Ali, Bushra Ansari, Ismail Tara, Sohail Ahmed and now we have… Junaid Akram’s podcasts. That’s no criticism of his comedy, no wait it is, the funniest thing about him is still his bald head. He left Dubai to pursue a career in comedy in Pakistan. Dubai is still laughing.

Seventy-five years of great science. From Abdus Salam who won the Nobel Prize for his contributions to the electroweak unification theory, to Engineer Agha Waqar who should have won the Nobel Prize for claiming to have run a car on water. Or, at the very least, a Noble television set.

We’ve had giants of dissent against state oppression, from Bacha Khan to the student unions against Ayub to the women’s movement against Zia, to Malala Yousafzai, to Zohair Toru melting in the heat for the ideals he believed in, Iced Latte, sunglasses and a cricketer who could both bat and bore… sorry bowl.

Seventy-five years of great writers, Manto, Ibne Insha, Shafeeq ur Rehman, Patras Bokhari, Bano Qudsia, Altaf Fatima, Umaira Ahmed and now Khalil ur Rehman Qamar, whose best work remains his letter of resignation from Geo.

Seventy-five years of great advertisements. It’s the industry that keeps this country together, united in our hatred for Telefun and that Diamond Supreme foam jingle promoting child labour — we couldn’t have made it without you.

Seventy-five years of complaining about what women are wearing, why women are out on the streets, why women are working, why women are dancing, why women are breathing. One hopes Orya Maqbool will put his two brain cells together and figure out an answer, eventually.

Seventy-five years of Radio Pakistan. Yes, even they forgot they still exist. Seventy-five years of 75 years. At least nobody’s stolen our calendars. Yet.

It’s been a rough journey to 2023.

First alcohol was legal, then it wasn’t, clubs were legal, then they weren’t. Human rights were legal, then they weren’t. This is the only country where people are terrified of sitting in the backseats of luxury vehicles.

We can only hope the 76th year will bring the better moments out of us more often. Like making worldwide viral memes, and films that get Oscar-shortlisted and documentaries that get showcased at Cannes despite being banned at home.

The writer is a medical tourist who has almost died on three continents.
He tweets @haseebasif

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 8th, 2023