Dearest Auntie,
My parents want me to marry one of my cousins. She is the daughter of my mother’s sister, and my mother has been constantly and persistently telling me to get married to her.

I do not want to marry her, as my cousin and I have no understanding and have had little interaction.  I have been refusing this engagement, but my parents do not understand. Kindly help me
Regards,
Distressed

Dear Distressed,
You haven’t said anything about how old you are, but the fact is that no one can force you to marry anyone. If you live in Pakistan, please also know that forced marriages are against the law. (Dear readers please do not start sending legal queries to Auntie. The law on forced marriages is and should be common knowledge. Please spread the word.) Hopefully, in your case, the law will not need to get involved and you will be able to sort this matter out with your parents within the confines of your home.

‘I don’t want to marry my cousin’

It is important for you to sit your parents down and have a conversation with them. But before that, gather your thoughts so you know what you want to say. So for instance, you could say that you consider your cousin your sister, and the idea of marrying her is one that you cannot digest. Or that you know your cousin and that the two of you are just incompatible. You can also say that you don’t like the idea of marrying a cousin for scientific reasons. 

Whatever feels right chose that line and go with it. Make sure that you do not vilify your cousin. It should be clear to your parents that you not liking your cousin as a candidate for a spouse does not make her a bad person. That sounds like an obvious thing, but you would be surprised at how many people take offense at being turned down for marriage and equate it to you not liking the other person. Stay focused on explaining to the parents why you do not want to marry her. Talk calmly with them and avoid losing your cool if things get heated.

Make sure that you do not vilify your cousin. It should be clear to your parents that you not liking your cousin as a candidate for a spouse does not make her a bad person.

At the same time, keep reminding yourself mentally that your parents cannot make you do anything against your will. If I assume that you are a Muslim, then your religion also gives you the right to reject a marriage that is against your will. Your parents need your consent before they can fix your match with anyone. Since the girl in question is your cousin, you may also want to broach the subject with her and let her know that you are not interested in marriage at this point or that you consider her a sister and would not dream of marrying her.

The bottom line is that your parents cannot force you to marry anyone. Yes, they can put a lot of pressure on you and try to emotionally blackmail you. However, they cannot coerce you into taking your vows at gunpoint. You will have to be strong and keep bringing your parents back to what you want. If it gets heated, calmly let them know that forcing you to marry anyone is against the law. If you are Muslim, you can also throw in the religious argument and hopefully that will be the end of the conversation.

If you have siblings or an adult relative who your parents respect, you could also get them on your side and have them defend your stance to the parents. Half of successful communication depends on what you say and the other half depends on how you say it. So do not beg or plead with your parents. Make sure through your tone that they know you are serious. You have to stand up to them and tell them that this is not happening. All power to you!

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 27th, 2021