In an effort to curb increasing obscenity, vulgarity and all manner of immodesty afflicting Cliftonia’s naive, vulnerable and deodorized polity, the Ministry of Enlightened Morality and Extracurricular Affairs has released a set of guidelines to help the citizenry identify what is moral and ethical and what falls within the ambit of fahascism. This will help the innocents of the Republic save themselves and their souls from the confines of black Vigos and the wide-ranging torments of purgatory.

According to the Fahascism Guide — published as a booklet in over 25,000 languages and distributed free of cost to all press clubs, NGOs, writers’ associations, organisations associated with the rights of minorities, art institutes, and every single woman in the land — the following will henceforth be considered fahascism and all seditious deviants found practising them, fahascists:

• Sleeveless tops for women — all sleeves of all tops must extend till the tip of the index finger at least, if not longer, of the wearer of said top.

• Half sleeve tops for men — all half sleeves must cover the elbow joint of the owner of said joint.

• All couples behaving kissfully in a public airplane.

• All marches organised to highlight/ demand the rights of women.

• All women participating in marches organised to highlight/ demand the rights of women.

• All women speaking about the rights of women.

• The rights of women.

• All women.

The Republic of Cliftonia has issued guidelines to root out moral and ethical evils among its population

• Journalists pursuing stories they have been told not to pursue via civilised, non-confrontational, standard-issue death threats conveyed through SMS, WhatsApp messages, WhatsApp voicemails, emails and random attacks on their home, offices and persons.

• Cucumbers used excessively in sandwiches as done, quite often, in the liberal West.

• Wearing Western attire as a matter of routine while living in Cliftonia, unless one is gym-ing at home, in which case it is permissible to jog bare-chested for reasons of health and social media.

• Wearing Eastern attire while hanging out with friends at Annabel’s.

• Turquoise kurtas on both men and women.

• Assembling to demand a fair wage.

• Assembling.

• A fair wage.

• Individuals — men and/or women — getting

together and resembling in any way, shape or form, a workers’ union.

• Individuals with a single passport and no foreign currency bank account.

• Beautifully groomed beards worn without accompanying turbans.

• Questioning the statements of anyone wearing a martial uniform.

• Questioning the actions of anyone wearing a martial uniform.

• Questioning anyone living next to anyone wearing a martial uniform.

• Looking at anyone wearing a martial uniform.

• Overtaking anyone wearing a martial uniform.

• Breaking wind in the direction of anyone wearing a martial uniform.

• Not giving a discount to anyone related to anyone wearing a martial uniform.

• Not offering ice cream to the youngest child of anyone wearing a martial uniform, even if the child has crossed retirement age.

• Not buying a plot of land from anyone wearing a martial uniform looking to sell his or her plot of land. (Note: This could legally, morally, and ethically be deemed as unpatriotic behavior and the charge of sedition could be added to the charge of fahascism).

• Wearing non-suede flip-flops at the Aitchisonia Yacht and Country Club brunch.

• Asking someone feudally-inclined to pay their fair share of income tax.

• Asking popular evangelical babydolls to share the business plan of their latest commercial venture.

• Exposing your ankles if you are a woman.

• Not exposing your ankles if you are a man.

• Ankles.

• Not knowing the recipe of kaddu sharif ka halwa.

• Not wearing a dupatta in bed.

• Not wearing a dupatta in the kitchen.

• Not owning a luxury apartment in Mayfair.

• Not owning a chateau in the south of France.

• Not owning a private jet.

• Requesting the authorities to regularise your home when it is not a hacienda situated amidst acres and acres of illegally occupied hilltop heaven.

• Not employing senior, retired robed and uniformed messiahs.

• Fighting for your home against powerful encroachers hell-bent on building a gigantic house of worship on the land that belongs to you.

• Not possessing a certificate of patriotism delivered by a kind gentleman in a black Vigo.

• Asking the kind gentleman in a black Vigo for an arrest warrant when he and his associates barge unannounced into your home at three in the morning.

• Not knowing the crucial role a Vigo (Mortensen or otherwise) plays in the world.

• Not sporting a moustache macho enough to make you want to invent a history of the self-imagined warrior clan that spawned the likes of you.

• Crème Brûlée and all those who enjoy it.

• The color puce.

• Pretending to be a German tourist by wearing thick, woollen socks with your Birkenstocks.

• Questioning the patriotic motives of pizza chains franchised patriotically for the sole purpose of patriotism.

• Ordering a medium pie from said patriotic pizza chains, instead of the large-pie-combo-meal offered by the vendor to instill patriotism amongst the young and the restless.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 6th, 2021