Hi Auntie,
I am a 26-year-old girl and have studied till post-graduate and obviously everyone around wants me to get married. Previously, some of the marriage proposals I received were not entertained by my family and, once, I even refused to marry one of my cousins.

Now, I am once again expected to marry one of my cousins. He is 27 years and an undergraduate. He is not financially independent nor — I have assessed by talking to him — does he have any career plans. I agreed to the proposal to please my family in January of this year. At that time, I didn’t have the slightest idea of my cousin’s disinterest in planning a future for himself and his family. For three months now, I have been resisting an official commitment and have spoken to my parents and siblings, but they probably fear that they will hurt my uncle. I am extremely stressed. I don’t have a plan B or another suitable suitor.
Depressed

Dear Dejected,
The only way to do this is to be upfront and just tell your family that you do not want to marry your cousin, because you two are incompatible as a couple. You are an adult — start thinking of yourself as one — and your family cannot force you to marry anyone you don’t want to marry. Tell your family you made a mistake when you agreed to the proposal, but since then you have had the chance to talk to the boy and find out that the two of you are not compatible.  

‘My future husband lacks ambition and drive’

At the same time, you have to be very sure that you know what you are talking about. In case things don’t go as planned after you say no to this boy, you still have to know that you did the right thing. This means that, in case it takes longer for you to get married, you will not regret turning down your cousin. Or, in case your cousin suddenly becomes career-focused after you say no, you should still not regret your decision.

If you want to live life on your own terms in a close-knit society such as ours, you will have to learn not to let family pressures get to you. People do talk, and many parents worry about what others say so, be ready for everyone’s opinion on your life and, more importantly, learn to tune people out. You are not asking to commit a crime, you are simply saying no to a marriage — which is your right.

If you want to live life on your own terms in a close-knit society such as ours, you will have to learn not to let family pressures get to you.

Looking at the issue from another perspective could help strengthen your resolve. For instance, instead of thinking that saying no will hurt your uncle and your family, change the angle and think: “Both families will be upset if my cousin and I are stuck in an unhappy union and it will be more difficult to get out of it then, than it is now.” This shift in how you are looking at the issue should help strengthen your own belief in what you want to do.

Also, if you are looking for an ambitious partner, I would strongly advise that you also have some ambitions and plans. It is almost never a good idea to count on a partner, or anyone else for that matter, to fulfill your vision for your own life, no matter how great they look on paper. You have a post-graduate degree and might want to consider working.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 31st, 2020