Dear Khala Jan,

My female colleague and I are of the same age, and working in a federal government organisation but in different departments. I joined here last year, but she has been working for the last five years. I am also pursuing higher studies and so I regularly go to the office library where she is in-charge. Initially, I was always immersed in my studies and never focused on her. However, since the last two months, I have developed a crush on her.

I desperately want to marry her but can’t communicate my feelings to her because I am afraid of being rejected. Our thinking is also similar on many issues and we have a lot in common. I know this as we routinely talk about social issues and human behaviour.

‘I am scared of being rejected’

However, the following issues are bothering me:

1) Cultural differences: we are from different castes and my family is from the rural area. She is from a city-dwelling family.

2) She belongs to a Syed family.

3) I wanted to send my parents to her home with a proposal, but I fear that I will lose a good colleague who has respect for me.

4) She may not be too pretty, but she has a gorgeous personality and I am an average-looking guy with dark complexion.

5) I am earning more than her but it is not an extraordinary salary. I think she is from a well-established family, but she claims that she belongs to a middle-class family.

I have discussed this with my uncle and he said okay you can proceed, but these issues are obstructions in my way. Please guide me.

Fearful

Dear Nephew,

These reasons you have listed are obstructions because you are making them obstructions. You are overthinking the issue and seeing obstacles where there may be none. Everything you have listed here has its roots in your own mind. The cultural differences, the Syed family, your salary not being extraordinary — all of these are your own thoughts. They are not the girl’s or her family’s thoughts. Till you make a move and let the girl know how you feel about her and that you intend to marry her, you will not know. After you approach her, things may go well and you may discover that she reciprocates your feelings. In which case, congratulations in advance!

On the other hand — and I feel this is what you are really scared of — she could reject your proposal. Either way, once you make a move, you will know where you stand.

On to your fear of getting rejected, it may seem like the worst thing that could happen. However, there is an upside to being rejected, too. For starters, a rejection is just that, a rejection. It is not a comment on your character. It is natural to feel unattractive after you get rejected. However, you should not let it define you as she will probably base her rejection on factors such as her family traditions or caste and ethnicity. She could also base her rejection on her opinion of you. She may not have found you smart or good-looking enough for her. That is just her opinion. For every person who finds you unattractive, there are others who would find you attractive. That is how the world works. And finally, many people don’t hit gold till they have been rejected several times in their quest to find a partner. So, in case things don’t work out for you, keep trying. Good luck to you!

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.

Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 29th, 2019