Hi Auntie,
I am 15 years old, studying in 9th grade and engaged to my cousin. Initially I was in love with him, but then I got to know that he has a lot of girlfriends. He says to my family that she is my love, but I don’t trust him. I think he proposed just because he is a selfish person. I have no contact with him, because our families don’t allow us to talk with each other. Last year I met with him without our families and he called me ugly, which made me sad. Now I have no feelings for him and I give attitude to him and his family and that’s what my mother hates.

On my birthday he didn’t give me a gift, which made me feel very bad and I went through depression. His girlfriends are really beautiful. He is basically a playboy. His sister told me that he loves you a lot and that he just has girlfriends for “time pass.” I am sad and lonely and I have become very antisocial and my mother is unhappy with the situation. Please give a solution to my problem. My love life is ruined. I am lonely and lost. I don’t feel the same about him anymore and I just want to break this engagement, but my mom says no. She says that after my graduation she will think about it. But I just want to break it off right now.
Lonely and lost

Dear Khala,
At 15 you are too young to be engaged. You have not said anything about how old your fiancé is, but I am assuming he isn’t much older than you.

‘I want to break off my engagement right away’

If your fiancé is making you feel small and ugly, then it is definitely not okay to go ahead and stay engaged to him or to marry him. If he is seeing other girls, then it is not okay to be with him regardless of whether his sister thinks this is “time pass” or whatever. You should not be making such big compromises on what you want in a marriage or a relationship. As a first step, you will need to become very clear about what you would like in a marriage and also identify what counts as a deal-breaker. For instance, you probably want someone who is committed to only you who is respectful to you. At the very least, you should deserve these qualities.

From what you have said, it is clear that your fiancé is not ready to commit. It is not his fault. He is just too young and so are you. This engagement was a bad idea to begin with. I know it is your parents’ idea, but our parents are human too and make mistakes. Also culturally, getting you engaged to a cousin makes a lot of sense to them. It looks right to society and it is the done thing. We live in a society where ‘loag kya kahenge’ (what will people say) is a big part of people’s reality. And for a lot of us, our actions are dictated by what others will think of us, no matter how unhappy it makes us.

You have to make a choice about what you want from life. Once you are clear about what you want and don’t want, you will be better equipped to deal with this situation. Communicate with your parents. Be brave and find the courage to broach the subject with your parents and tell them you are extremely unhappy with the situation and want to end it; that your fiancé makes you feel small and is not ready to settle because he is messing around with other girls. If they say that he is still young and will come around to you, tell them that then he is too young to be engaged in the first place. Please respect your own feelings about this situation. And find some allies — people who understand what you are saying, who are on your side and will support you and defend you in front of your parents (if they decide not to listen to you).

Know that you might face a lot of pressure from the family, but if you keep reminding yourself why you are doing this — because you respect yourself and only want to be with someone who respects you — then it will keep you focused. You are still very young and this situation is a tough one. I hope you are successful. Best of luck.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 18th, 2018