Dear Sister,
I am a 40-year-old married woman with three children and live in a joint family. A year ago, I found out that my husband has married another woman with a disabled child. It hurt me a lot when I heard about it, since ours was a love marriage. My husband found out that I know of his second marriage. Since then he has started to come home after many days (months even) and doesn’t bother about his children or his family. He doesn’t even give me any money. Now, I am thinking of doing something since it is difficult for me to live with the little money provided by my mother-in-law. I have worked in two hospitals as a staff nurse before my marriage. But now I don’t know what to do to save myself and my children from all the humiliations we are facing (or will be facing). Please guide me.
Lonely Mother   Dear Woman,
The first thing that is usually affected in such a situation is your self-image. It is quite natural for many women to start believing that they are less than the other woman or not good enough. So before anything else, you have to prevent this from happening as far as possible.

Please start working on yourself and know that your husband did not leave you because there was something wrong with you. He left you because of his own issues. Remind yourself of this whenever your mind goes into overdrive with thoughts of how you could have prevented him from leaving or stopped the breakdown of your marriage. Some people leave their partner regardless of how nice, successful, or beautiful he or she is.

‘My husband has left me for another woman’

It is also necessary that you start work on yourself to stop being bitter about the situation as soon as possible. And that will only happen when you forgive your husband. Try and let the situation go and think of it as part of a greater plan for you. This is not always easy, but it is necessary if you want to do something constructive with your life, which I believe you do. By all means, grieve for the end of your marriage and accept that your husband has left you for someone else. Allow yourself to feel sad, but at the same time try and forgive your husband.

Another thing to avoid, but which is totally natural, is to start comparing yourself to the other woman. We are only human and on a day when nothing seems to be going right, it is quite easy for us to start feeling inferior to someone else. It might help to put together a list of your best qualities and read it often to remind yourself why you are special. You are special and you will get through this!

Finally, go with your gut feeling and definitely step out and do something new. Take a class, join the gym or do something you have always wanted to do, but hadn’t found the ‘time’ to do.

Finally, go with your gut feeling and definitely step out and do something new. Take a class, join the gym or do something you have always wanted to do, but hadn’t found the ‘time’ to do. I am not sure how old your children are, but please do make yourself a priority and find a minder for them, while you go out and explore things to do. As you step out into the world, also look for employment options as there is nothing quite like earning your own money. It is empowering and will prevent you and your children from living off your mother-in-law. The last thing you need is someone wielding power over you and deciding what you do with your life. It is not too late, as many women join the job market in their 40s. You may not enter the job market at the position you wanted to but, if you are dedicated, you will make up for the years you missed out. All power to you girl!

Do seek professional help or speak to a spiritual leader, whatever appeals to you, if you feel that nothing you try is helping.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 4th, 2018