Hafiz Saeed has just launched his own political party. After having launched everything but nuclear missiles in India’s direction, I suppose it makes sense for him to do this. Makes even more sense that he’s already under house arrest, in case he becomes the next prime minister. His party has announced that it will be filing papers to contest the 2018 elections. He’s a United Nations designated terrorist, alleged mass murderer and looks like he hasn’t bathed since 1994, but at least he’s Sadiq and Amin.

I for one can’t wait to vote for Lashkar-i-Taiba, oh sorry Jamaat-ud-Dawa, oh sorry Milli Awami Party in 2018. The first act of parliament they will pass is to make Indian-occupied Kashmir part of Pakistan and move the federal capital to Srinagar. That’s where most of his party are right now, anyway.

I am rapt to see what their intikhabi nishan will be, a gun? A bomb? A gun and a bomb? They will obviously win the Muridke constituency and finally fix the patch of GT Road that goes through the city; or alternatively turn the rest of GT Road into the remains of a rocket barrage too.

But will voters elsewhere vote for the Milli Awami Party? Or will Mr Saeed’s polling agents just stamp everyone’s ballot papers in his favour? That’s a convenience of sorts, having your vote cast for you. Mr Saeed will obviously enter into a coalition with Sheikh Rasheed who’s been seen with him, arm in arm, on the stages of all Difa-i-Pakistan rallies; and Parvez Musharraf who considers Mr Saeed an asset to the country.

Jamaat-i-Islami will likely join him as well, because why not, and because most Jamaat enthusiasts wouldn’t mind the utter and total destruction of India, as a side to their main agenda of making the Islamic Republic of Pakistan the More Islamic Republic of Pakistan. If the Jamaat joins Mr Saeed, then Imran Khan will simply have to. He has already taken into his party Mian Mithu, the man with a beard as large as a bush, the man who everybody names their parrots after, the man who stands accused of facilitating the abduction and forced conversions of hundreds of Hindu girls. So Mr Saeed would be a natural step forward.

Plus Mr Saeed’s knack for not letting witnesses testify in court will come in handy for Mr Khan for his next harassment/ defamation/ inciting public unrest case. Mr Khan runs the party of justice and Mr Saeed runs the party of just — the just not very nice. They should sweep the 2018 elections in Punjab, the true and proud heartland of militancy and extremism. Mr Saeed might be allegedly running one of the biggest qabza groups in Lahore right now but at least he’s Sadiq and Amin.

One thing that would be great about Mr Saeed becoming an MNA is his support for the local film industry. He’s a great enthusiast of cinema, but only cinema that shows #PakPositive things. He thinks there’s too much negativity about Pakistan around the world. In a press conference earlier this week he said that, “I don’t understand all this ‘most dangerous place in the world’ talk. Why does the world think we’re a violent people?” He talked at length about his portrayal in Phantom and felt that the director missed the real spirit of his work.

There is no person more deserving of a political party than Hafiz Saeed. The nation has been crying out for a great leader to ride a horse into Delhi for decades. Or at least Zaid Hamid and Oreo Maqbool Jan have. He has all the makings of a prime minister who can finally complete their term. A beard, a mehrab, a club membership card at Aabpara, popularity at grassroot levels, bulletproof jackets, the support of people who have served at Aabpara, jail time, no understanding of the constitution of Pakistan and, finally, enduring friendships with all sectarian groups in Punjab. He might have a bounty worth 10 million dollars on his head but at least he’s Sadiq and Amin.

One thing that would be great about Mr Saeed becoming an MNA is his support for the local film industry. He’s a great enthusiast of cinema, but only cinema that shows #PakPositive things. He thinks there’s too much negativity about Pakistan around the world. In a press conference earlier this week he said that, “I don’t understand all this ‘most dangerous place in the world’ talk. Why does the world think we’re a violent people?” He talked at length about his portrayal in Phantom and felt that the director missed the real spirit of his work. “They also didn’t show my philanthropic side. Which is my left.”

That’s why he moved the Lahore High Court and had the film banned in Pakistan. “I didn’t like it anyway, Saif Ali Khan is only in the industry due to eugenics, not talent.” He also thinks Humayun Saeed, his long lost brother, should have named his new film Punjab Zaroor Jaungi instead. “I will make big changes in the film industry if I am elected, you will see a lot more art movies that show the sensitive side of jihadi groups.” He might not be the most honest man in the world, but at least he’s Sadiq and Amin. Oh wait.

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 13th, 2017

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