It’s only June, and we already have an excellent candidate for the 38th Golden Raspberry Awards. By the time the Razzies roll around in early 2018, I bet Baywatch will be a shoo-in for Worst Picture. Directed by Seth Gordon, who after competently directing The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters (2007) can’t seem to land a good project, Baywatch is mostly 119 minutes of cinematic torture.

The film describes itself as an action comedy, where the word ‘comedy’ was clearly used in the loosest sense, as there is hardly a funny moment in the film. This is especially surprising because there is an army of writers credited in the film, but it seems that the only jokes they could come up with were related to genitals. Unfortunately, the rest of the jokes aren’t worth cracking a smile over either, even though some of the cast seem to give it their best.

Yes, while you shouldn’t consider watching Baywatch anyway, you especially shouldn’t if fasting — if the lowbrow humour doesn’t endanger your fast, you yourself might when cursing out the filmmakers.

Based on a mediocre TV show, Baywatch was doomed all along

It’s a pity that the narrative snags don’t end with the dead-end jokes. Baywatch features a long cast of talented actors, including the always likable Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson as Mitch Buchannon, the leader of the lifeguards, Ilfenesh Hadera as his deputy Stephanie Holden, Zac Efron as a former Olympic champion-turned-lifeguard Matt Brody who loves his alcohol, Priyanka Chopra as Victoria Leeds, a drug smuggler who the lifeguards try to shut down, and Alexandra Daddario as Summer Quinn, a smart new lifeguard who forms a bond with Matt. The problem is that Baywatch gives these performers very little to do. The dialogue is bad, and the characterisation is at times strangely inconsistent, as if the film was directed by more than one filmmaker and then pieced together.

The story is what you would expect. When the film begins in Florida, we learn that there is some friction between the lifeguards and the law, partially due to Mitch’s nature to get carried away with things that aren’t part of his job. This is exemplified when some drugs are discovered at the Huntley Club, which is a property managed by Victoria. Here, our heroes investigate the contraband while following the sort of character trajectory you’d find in a by-the-numbers film.

The special effects in Baywatch are surprisingly substandard. I am guessing that after paying the hefty salaries of some of the bigger name actors, there was little left over from the 69 million dollar budget. The worst offender is a scene starring The Rock that involves fire, where the CGI is so poor that it reminded me of the special effects featured on a certain Pakistani anchor’s ‘documentary’ about the day of reckoning.

Considering that Baywatch is based on a mediocre TV show, perhaps the film was doomed all along, but the same hurdle didn’t stop 21 Jump Street. The Jump Street films are proof that talented actors and a good script can reinvent the source material. I have a feeling that the powers that be behind Baywatch wanted to emulate the success of 21 Jump Street — they just didn’t know how.

Rated R for sexual content, language and graphic male nudity

Published in Dawn, ICON, June 4th, 2017