As event management companies enact their silent coup and take over Pakistan, we are witnessing more and more red carpet events around the country, for things you might think don’t deserve such revelry and carousing. But as any college child hosting an energy drink-sponsored volleyball tournament will tell you, you’re wrong. Companies and organisations rent spaces at hotels, parks and mansions as they unveil new products endorsed by a slew of celebrities queuing up to have their photos taken.

Just yesterday, a drinking water company celebrated their 10-year anniversary for being sued for bottling tap water and charging money for it. The event was attended by Faysal Qureshi, Hadiqa Kiyani, Mahira Khan and senior members of the Punjab Water and Sewerage Authority. Mahira Khan said that I only survive on bottled water and limit my food intake to once a week, while Hamza Ali Abbasi showed up uninvited.

Earlier this month a processed food company launched microwaveable haleem in a red carpet gala that included the likes of Shehzad Roy, Amir Zaki, Fakhr-e-Alam, Ali Haider and other musicians whose careers are over.

After years of tutoring and advice by senior PPP officials Bilawal finally finished Candy Crush on his phone, leading the the Bilawal Lovers’ Association, which does not include his dad, to hold another Sindh festival with even more dancing and singing on gigantic, flashy stages.

A multinational clothing company launched a new brand of tighter, more uncomfortable underwear and had Fawad Khan model it at a mall full of swooning ladies, after which Jamaat-i-Islami burned it down, then burned a fast food outlet, the old American embassy building and tyres on Shahra-e-Faisal. Hamza Ali Abbasi showed up uninvited.

Musician Salman Ahmed celebrated a tweet that finally made sense at Imran Khan’s home in Bani Gala with disco lights, DJ Butt and Ataullah Issakhelvi. They also threw a red carpet to welcome him but, unfortunately, they missed.

Week Pakistan Fashion — not to be confused with Fashion Pakistan Week or Pakistan Fashion Week — arranged a fiesta for its first-ever show. They rolled out the red carpet and Ali Xeeshan walked in wearing one.

There was also a parade on Constitution Avenue in Islamabad and an F-16 fly-by show as retired army chief Raheel Sharif won a round of golf.

Speaking of Constitution Avenue, a welcoming ceremony took place as Nawaz Sharif came back to Islamabad from a two-day trip to Raiwind. Parvez Rashid brought a red carpet from his own house lest the opposition inquire about the money trail for a new one.

Hafiz Saeed also hosted a red-carpet affair at the Expo Centre in Lahore on the occasion of the 8th anniversary of his release. Celebrities flocked to the decked-out building in support of jihad in Kashmir, where Shaan Shahid, having freed Kashmir many times in his films, gave an inspirational speech.

McRonald’s opened a new restaurant in Lyari and the celebrations included a hostile takeover by a gang and theft of all mayonnaise, chilli garlic sauce, the coffee machine, the soda dispenser, the tables, the chairs and the lights. Nobody bothered with the food.

#### Earlier this month a processed food company launched microwaveable haleem in a red carpet gala.

Twaadi opened a new shop in Waziristan and threw a white carpet affair for the Taliban, who said they were impressed with the quality of the kurtas but that they were too pricey and out of their range, so they’ll have to take them on gunpoint, with sincere apologies.

Meanwhile, SoWhat Linen opened a new branch in Cholistan on the border with India where middle-aged women drove for eight hours and wrestled each other to get inside first before it was blown down by artillery fire.

A major soft-drink brand launched a new, honest to goodness 0-calorie can which has no beverage at all inside, and thus no calories. Freiha Altaf led a bouquet lineup of celebrities to attend the event, and declared that she was thrilled that finally she can hold something to her mouth without it being fattening. Hamza Ali Abbasi showed up uninvited.

In response, the competitor beverage company changed the font on their bottle and hosted a music festival where all contractually obliged celebrities were asked to sing. Even some who had never sung before.

On the other side of town, there was also a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the inauguration of the new and improved men’s toilet at the Jinnah International Airport in Karachi. The Chief Minister of Sindh himself was to grace the red carpet but unfortunately due to a urinary tract infection the Chief Secretary had to go in his stead.

Frozen dessert company Balls released a new flavour of its signature dessert with chocolate, turmeric powder and onions, and hosted a five-day gala in which celebrities dressed up in chocolate-themed costumes. HSY showed up as a chocolate cupcake, Ali Xeeshan showed up wearing a waffle cone on his head and Hamza Ali Abbasi showed up uninvited.

Ahmed Ali Butt was spotted rapping at the shutting down ceremony of the Lahore branch of a burger outlet, which had not seen a customer in four months. ‘I was always called a fat burger in school’, he explained in front of flashing cameras.

Even the Council of Islamic Ideology got into the act and threw a red carpet affair at Serena Hotel celebrating that they still existed in 2017. Hamza Ali Abbasi showed up invited.

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, January 29th, 2017